Olly Murs Singer Songwriter

Dear Mr Murs,    

I assume by your fairly recent song Dear Darlin that you prefer to be contacted in letter form, which is surprising and somewhat refreshing to see given the current social media frenzy we now live in.

Having said that Olly (You’re cool with me calling you Olly right?) regarding the song, I don’t really know why you didn't just call, arrange to meet and tell her face to face that you miss her. It seems a very long drawn out process for you to write a letter telling her, especially with the postal service the way it is these days, how would you know she got the letter ok. Why not a Facebook message or What’s App least you know if she had seen it or not and then if she doesn't reply you can start to move on properly. You did mention that it was short and sweet so maybe there’s a reason for that, but at the end of the day no one knows what you went through so I can’t interfere too much.

Sorry to go on but I do have another query Olly, if your hands were shaking so much why were you trying to write you silly Billy! I understand you want to get this letter done and sent off but at least wait and until you've calmed down a bit. A badly written letter in my opinion just shows that not a lot of effort has been put in. If your hands were in fact shaking due to the fact you have an early case of Parkinson’s disease then I apologise wholeheartedly.

All the best

O. Trout

(Royal Mail)

Tom Daley Professional Diver

Dear Mr Daley, 

I just want to say firstly for you to come out as a homosexual on a Youtube video really must have taken a lot of courage to do, so I commend you for that. It did come as little surprise to me though Tom (Don’t mind if I call you Tom do you?) as it was my understanding, correct me if I'm wrong that you had to be gay to be involved in the professional sport of diving?

I would also like to add my input regarding the video itself, as much as it must have been difficult for you to do and with it being a serious subject, I do think on the whole it lacked creativity and humour. I think Tom to make it funnier you could have had your boyfriend bring you breakfast in bed halfway through with a pink thong on, or maybe had posters of half naked men up on your wall in the background just to make people aware before you got to the point. Another scenario could have had your mum or a member of your family interrupting halfway through and saying ‘You’re are gay! When were you planning on telling me’ or something like that, but what really would have made it for me would have been if you had done the whole video dressed like Daffyd from Little Britain, honestly it would have been hilarious.

Look I understand this was a sensitive subject and on the whole you delivered it very well but I'm a firm believer that humour in any situation makes everything better, with the exception of a funeral maybe, probably best to wait until after the service for any jokes about the deceased, you don’t want to be in that situation believe me. I guess what I'm saying is if you can’t laugh at yourself eh Tom.

All the best

O. Trout

Anne Robinson Television Presenter and Journalist

Dear Mrs Robinson,

I was round visiting my 90 year-old Grandmother the other day and after I’d eaten her out of biscuits we decided to watch a bit of TV, we came across your show The Weakest Link, now either of us had seen it before but thought we’d give it a go as there was nothing else on, plus who doesn't like a nice friendly early evening quiz show to lighten the mood.

In the hour that followed we were utterly appalled at the way you spoke to the contestants on the show, how on earth the BBC allow this to be aired is beyond me. My Grandmother and I couldn't believe what we were seeing. You asked the contestants to introduce themselves and then you just ridiculed them about their occupation and appearance, amongst other things. Yes some of them were tossers but you as a host of a prime time quiz show should have been more mature in letting it slide. Then when one of them got a question wrong you absolutely slaughtered them, I mean that’s hardly going to give them confidence for the next round of questions. Then just when we thought you couldn't be any more vicious, when one of the contestants was voted out you just said ‘you are the weakest link goodbye’. There was none of this hard luck, you did really well and thanks for being on the show!!

Now I have already sent a strongly worded letter to points of view about this but I am so disgusted that I thought I’d write to you directly. I very much doubt I will get a reply as you don’t seem a particularly nice person Anne (I'm calling you Anne whether you like it or not). I have to say my Grandmother did make a good point when she said; how would she like it if someone was to call her a shrivelled up ginger, botox induced cunt with a face like a hippo’s arse and she’s right how would you like it Anne?

Yours sincerely,

O. Trout

  

Mark Foster Ex British Swimmer

Dear Mr Foster,  

I have just found out recently that we are in fact related. I've always admired you as a sportsman so I'm delighted to get this news. I was also a good a swimmer when I was young so there must be something in the blood, unfortunately I had to stop because the training at the club used to clash with my paper round job. Anyway it’s a shame I didn't know you was my nan’s cousin’s grandson before as we could have arranged a family get together or something. Having said that Mark (I presume it’s ok to call you Mark?) if you haven’t any plans for Christmas yet, you’re more than welcome to join us round my mum’s house in Chessington. As you’re family I imagine you also have a Turkey dinner and a few drinks, so it will be nothing out of the ordinary for you.

I'm guessing you are thinking I better bring a few presents or something but honestly Mark I don’t want anything much, I’ll leave a little list below just in case though. Let me know what you’re up to and we’ll arrange times and stuff.

My Christmas list

New Audi A7 Sportback RS7 (not too bothered about colour but would prefer silver).

Armani Collezioni classic Cashmere slim fit coat (Try House of Frazer).

New watch- Anything by Rolex really, maybe The Oyster Perpetual 42 mm White Gold Sky-Dweller with two time zones and innovative annual calendar, but not too fussed.

All expenses paid holiday to the Caribbean (preferably two weeks around June next year) Go to destinology.co.uk and click on luxury holidays Caribbean and any of those will do.  

Hope that gives you a bit of an idea Mark, as I said don’t go mad, just one or two from the list. Look forward to seeing you Christmas day.

All the best

O. Trout

(Your nan’s cousin’s grandson)

  

Brian May Musician Singer and Songwriter

Dear Mr May, 

I am a great admirer of your work with Queen and all the great songs you have been involved with over the years, you've worked tremendously hard to get where you are, which is more than I can say for the actual Queen, I mean what has she contributed to music, absolutely bollox all is what. I can never understand people who just sit on their arse all day doing nothing and its decent, honest, hard-working people like me and you paying for it!! Learn to play an instrument or campaign to save badgers for fuck sake!!

The reason I write to you today Brian May (May I call you Brian May?) is that you have obviously been involved in music for years as we know and more recently have become involved with badgers, now you won’t believe this but I am an aspiring musician with a love of badgers, I have just finished an album called ‘Badger love’ which consists of songs just about badgers and I'm sure you’ll be very interested in hearing it, the track listing is as follows;

1. Badger me softly
2. When a man loves a badger
3. Tadger in my badger
4. I see you badger (shaking that arse)
5. It doesn't matter if your black and white
6. I want your badger
7. Wild thing
8. Too busy thinking about my badger
9. Prickly heat
10. Come back to me badger
11. Locked up for the love of a badger

Now I've only got one copy at the moment so I'm unable to send you one but as soon as I have a spare one I’ll send it to you, just try and be patient. Also if you’re interested in collaborating on new badger material in the future I'm more than happy to do so, I think with both of our musical talent we could produce something special.

I look forward to hearing from you Brian May.

O. Trout

(HM Prison High Down)

Lady Gaga Pop Singer

Dear Miss Gaga, 

I watched your performance the other week on the X Factor and I have to say I was disappointed to see you had to perform in just your bra and knickers. This wouldn't be the first time this has happened and if I were you, I would be seriously considering getting a new wardrobe team as they keep forgetting to bring your outfit with them and poor you has to go out and sing with just your underwear on. I mean what are they getting paid for if they can’t do a simple job like this, it does no favours to your dignity whatsoever. I know exactly how you must have felt because I had a similar experience back in my school days when my mum forgot to pack my PE kit and I was made to do it in just my white pants and vest, not only that but I had a bad case of the trots as well, that was a tough day I can tell you.

Now Miss Gaga, I was wondering if you can help me, whenever I'm playing cards with the boys once a month I can’t seem to get my poker face right and I'm getting found out quite easily, leaving me nearly skint two days after pay-day. Now I know you have perfected the art of the poker face as you told everyone a few years back, so if you could possibly spare a little bit of time to help me get mine right I would be very grateful. The other week I was trying so hard to get it right that I left my cards upright on the table, so embarrassing. Also if you’re not too busy maybe you can teach me how to actually play the game as well, because to be honest Miss Gaga I don’t really have a clue, I mean I would sound a bit of a knob if I told the boys that now after nearly a year of playing it. Actually thinking about it maybe my poker face isn't the problem because they don’t know I can’t play poker, they just think I'm really shit. How foolish are they!!

Bye

O. Trout (AKA brown pants)

Michael Parkinson Broadcaster Journalist Author

Dear Mr Parkinson,

I wondered if possibly you would be kind enough to do me a favour. I have an addiction to doodling, which if you didn't know is where you have a need to scribble on something with a pen, that could be on paper, walls, desks anywhere you can find.

Now I know you do that advert on the television for life insurance for over fifties, in this you give away a free parker pen for people who enquire about it. I have tried to get one but unfortunately I don’t qualify because I'm only 30. Is there any way you could send me one? The reason I ask this is because my missus has removed all pens from my house, the local shops won’t serve me any as I am on ink watch and I owe money to people who sell pens on the black market. I know you’re a respectable figure but I'm asking you please Michael (Do you mind me calling you Michael?) I'm a desperate man in need of a scribble. If you send me this pen I promise once the inks gone I’ll get help. I've tried before Michael but people won’t take me seriously, I even went on Jeremy Kyle but he just told me to put something on the end of it. I don’t want to blackmail you or anything Michael but if you don’t send me a parker I may have to steal and people could get hurt.

My address is at the top of the page, do the right thing Parky and send me a parker.

Yours sincerely,

O. Trout

P.S If when this is over you would like to interview me I'm free most days except Friday.

Sir Bruce Forsyth Television Presenter and Entertainer

Dear Mr Forsyth,

Having tuned in to watch Strictly Come Dancing the other night, I noticed you were still very much alive and kicking, ok maybe not kicking but alive, so it is a credit to you that you’re still presenting and performing at your age. I do want to say though if you do have trouble reading off the Autocue, don’t worry people will be patient and if you’re concerned that recycling old jokes week in and week out is a problem, it’s fine, people understand that it’s difficult to come up with new ones. Also if you do need to sit down or go for a piss during the show don’t be embarrassed about it, Tess Daly is more than capable of doing the show alone for a bit.

Now Sir Bruce (Do you mind me calling you Sir Bruce?) as you have no plans to retire any-time soon, I was thinking perhaps you could update some of your catchphrases, below I have come up with a list of new ones you might be interested in using;

‘Me again’

‘Haven’t I done well?’

‘Nice to still be here to be here nice’

‘You get nothing for a pair….oh sorry wrong show’

‘You’re my favourites….who are you again?’

‘Give us a twirl….no seriously I need chocolate my blood sugar is right down’

What do you think Sir Bruce? I reckon that would go down a treat on Saturday night, feel free to use them as and when.

All the best

O. Trout

Penelope Keith Actress

Dear Mrs Keith,

Firstly I would like to say what a good actress I think you are. I remember watching the Good life when I was young and it left me with a feeling of warmth and happiness. All though the characters would often fall into problems they always had closeness with each other that left me thinking life was always like this. Then I grew up and realised that it was actually full of selfish tossers, broken dreams, stress and loneliness. But anyway how are you? I haven’t seen you on TV for a while.

Talking of seeing you Penelope (May I call you Penelope?) it is with my understanding that you live quite near to me in a village called Milford and there have, I've been told numerous sightings of you in the Godalming area. Now it’s been a quite a long time since I've seen a famous person close up so next time you're in the vicinity could you make yourself known a bit in the hope that I'm around to see. Don’t worry I'm not going to come up and pester you, I just want to say to whoever is with me or to myself, oh look it’s Penelope Keith picking up a banana seductively in Waitrose or look there’s Penelope Keith from To the Manor Born breaking up a fight outside Wetherspoons, or maybe oh look it’s that lady from the Good life getting chilli sauce down her top whilst eating a Doner pissed up outside Kebab centre. Failing that you could wear a name badge or swoon down the high street speaking loudly mentioning your own name.

See you around

O. Trout

(Village drunk)

Sebastian Vettel Formula 1 Driver

Dear Mr Vettel,

Having watched you racing in formula one, well I say watching, more hearing on the news you've won another race; I thought I could do a bit of that motor racing lark; the only problem is I have yet to pass my driving test. I was wondering if I can learn to drive in a racing car like yours and skip all the tests in normal cars, is that possible or do I have to start at the beginning? In fact maybe you could teach me? I know you’re busy and that but if you don’t ask you don’t get.

Also Sebastian (Do you mind me calling you Sebastian?) It really annoys me when people come out and say formula has become boring with you winning all the time. I totally disagree with all those people because in my opinion formula one was already boring.

Let me know about those lessons Seb.

Cheers

Ollie Trout

Ed Miliband Leader of the Labour party

Dear Mr Miliband,   

I have been listening to your speeches over the past few months most notably at the labour party conference, where you explained how your party were on the side of normal people, whatever normal is these days. Also how you would freeze the price of fuel for two years, reduce the voting age and how 200,000 new homes would be built by 2020. This all very well and good Ed (May I call you Ed?) but the question I’d like to ask is what are you going to do about your nasal problems, because I tell you now I'm not prepared to have you leading my country when you sound like that.

I too have suffered with sinus problems over a number of years and am still battling a nasal spray addiction. The difference is Ed although I sound similar to you when I'm blocked up; no one really cares when you’re a kitchen assistant at an old people’s home. I appreciate you have had surgery to try and rectify this problem, but unfortunately it doesn't seem to have made much of a difference. You could perhaps try speaking through some kind of voice box or machine; if not maybe have your voice dubbed over by a famous celebrity.

I don’t want to put your nose out of joint, but if you want the full support of me and many others then I think you should take action. If this is not the case by the next election then I'm afraid to say my vote is with the conservatives, as David Cameron has a clear speaking voice. I hope I've made my point.

Good luck

O. Trout

Lenny Henry Comedian and Actor

Dear Mr Henry,

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that your career has taken a traumatic downturn and you’re now working for Premier Inn. I really admired you back in the day, you’re a funny, intelligent man and have brought a lot to the entertainment industry and the work you have done for comic relief over the years is very commendable. You've never managed to make me laugh out loud, but don’t be disheartened by that, it comes down to personal taste that’s all.

Now Lenny (I take it its ok to call you Lenny now?) I'm sure you have been the butt of a lot of jokes with the whole working at Premier Inn thing, but I wanted to make a serious point regarding my stay at the Premier Inn back in January. I'm not sure if you are part of the complaints department but I thought I’d write to you anyhow.

During my one nights stay I had no problem with the service, the food or in fact the room but the thing that disappointed me was that not once was I told beforehand or during my stay that this is not a good place to have an affair. Whether that is down to location, the constant e-mails about my booking, or the gossiping from staff when I was continuously kissing my lover in public I don’t know, but it is no coincidence Lenny that only two days after my stay I was thrown out by the missus after she had followed me that night. I subsequently ended up with nothing and yes you might say it is my own fault but I feel like Premier Inn and yourself Lenny should take some responsibility.

I am not asking for a refund, but I would like you to make it aware to people before they book of the dangers they face in being caught. Unfortunately due to my experience I will be taking my affairs elsewhere from now on.

Yours Sincerely,

O. Trout

Gok Wan Fashion Consultant and Television Presenter

Dear Mr Wan,

I was thinking as I sometimes do about the various television shows you have done such as How to look good naked and Gok cooks Chinese, have you thought about doing one called How to look good naked whilst cooking Chinese…..ha ha what am I like.

On a serious note though I did wonder if you have any plans to bring out a show called how not to dress like a geography teacher unless of course you are a geography teacher.

The reason I say this Gok (is it ok to call you Gok?) is that when I went out with some friends last week they said from what I was wearing that I looked like a geography teacher, now I am not a geography teacher and I have no plans to be a geography teacher, so if you are making a show called how not to dress like a geography teacher unless of course you are a geography teacher, I would be very interested in being on it.

If you could let me know before next Thursday as I'm going travelling, that would be fantastic.

Yours sincerely

O. Trout

(Leisure and Tourism teacher) 

Miley Cyrus Actress and singer

Dear Miss Cyrus,

One of my close friends from work has a 16 year old daughter and she is absolutely crazy about acting and singing, she has been going to a performing arts school for a few years now and had started to get really good. The reason for all this is because you are her idol and she wants to be just like you. Her performance is based solely on you and her fashion and hairstyle changes when yours does, which is a lot I presume.

Now after your antics on stage last month her parents have noticed a dramatic change in her behaviour and attitude and they are very worried that this is affecting her bid to become an actress, she is going out to nightclubs nearly every night dressing provocatively and twerking, now I’m not entirely sure what twerking is and quite frankly I don’t want to know Miley (I’m calling you Miley whether you like it or not). Her parents are at a loss of what to do as she won’t seem to listen to anyone so I have taken it upon myself to write to you today.

I would be grateful if you could tell me why all of a sudden you’re a dancing sexually with next to nothing on when you are an actress and singer with whom teenage girls look up to. I know in your song you say you can’t stop and you won’t stop but I would appreciate it if you at least tried. I would like it if you could explain this to me over dinner and a bottle of wine at the Bel and Dragon bar and restaurant in Godalming, Surrey, next Friday at 7.46pm. We don’t just have to talk about this though. Oh and wear your best going out clothes because I was thinking we could hit a nightclub after dinner. Who knows maybe you could teach me this twerking thing as well haha…….actually no, no that’s not on.

Look forward to seeing you then Miley,

Ollie Trout

Sir David Attenborough Broadcaster and Naturalist

Dear Mr Attenborough,                

I would like to say firstly what an amazing broadcaster I think you are. To still be going strong at your age is really quite remarkable and when it comes to narrating a film there is no one who can capture a moment quite like you. Actually you don’t happen to offer a service to narrate a person’s life for a day do you? Because I would love to have you do that for me, my everyday life is pretty mundane, but if I was to go out drinking all day it would make it a hell of a lot more interesting I can tell you. Let me know a price Sir David (May I call you Sir David?).

Now Sir David the reason I write to you today is that I have this Polish friend called Remek and he tells me he is having real problems with wild animals getting into his loft. He has had Lions, Tigers, Zebras and even Bears getting in there, he’s not sure if there is something attracting them, or it’s a nest, but he tells me that the noise is horrendous, they’re a damaging the house and he’s unable to go up there in case they attack him. He has tried pest control but unfortunately they don’t deal with wild animals, he’s contacted Zoo’s and animal organisations but they don’t seem to be taking him seriously. I understand you’re a busy man Sir David but is there any chance you could help him out? It is well known that you are very close to animals in general and know how to talk to them so I wondered if you could perhaps have a word with them and ask them to move on. Remek would appreciate this very much as he really is at his wits end with it all.

If you could contact me A.S.A.Y.C.O.W.Y.A.F. (As soon as you can or whenever you are able to).

Thank you

O. Trout

(Village drunk)

Ben Affleck Actor, Director and Screenwriter

Dear Mr Affleck,

I think it is terribly unfair the criticism you’re getting for being cast as the next Batman, after all you haven’t even played the part yet and already people are writing you off. Don’t get me wrong when I first heard the news I was like ‘fuck off, Ben Affleck the next Batman, you got to be kidding me’. But then I thought actually no you’re an accomplished actor and should be given a chance to prove the doubters wrong.

The reason I say this Ben (Do you mind me calling you Ben?) is that I had a similar experience back in 1998 when I played the part of a clam in my local Christmas panto, Peter Pan. I only had one line and pretty much one scene but I remember the negativity towards me before I played the part. People were saying I’d be useless as a clam and that I lacked experience for such a role. This only spurred me on though Ben, so I studied clam’s intently for weeks before and watched how they behaved and how they would talk if they could. This knowledge was to prove vital come the performance and I put in a clamtastic performance (excuse the pun). I was told after that I had delivered my lines with such elegance and grace that I was in the frame for a bigger part next year.

It just goes to show Ben if you’re willing to put the effort in and ignore the bad press then you can be a success just like I was back in 1998. Let’s be honest it couldn't go any worse than that film Gigli you did with Jennifer Lopez, awful just awful.

Good luck

O. Trout

P.S Yeah I'm not sure why there was a part for a clam in Peter Pan either.

Maria Sharapova Tennis player

Dear Miss Sharapova, 

One of my close friends has a 12 year old daughter and she is absolutely crazy about Tennis, she has been playing at her local club for a number of years and had started to get really good. The reason for all this is because you’re her idol and she wants to be just like you, the way she plays is based solely on your game, she’s dyed her hair blonde, learnt Russian and even grunts loudly on court just like you, isn’t it sweet.

Talking of sweet, that brings me to the matter in hand, ever since you have brought out your new range of gummy candies called Sugarpova, she has lost interest in Tennis and sits on the couch all day watching TV and eating sweets. Her parents have already noticed an increase in her weight and her attitude has changed dramatically. They are desperate to get their child back into the sport she was so in love with only a matter of weeks ago and really don’t know where to turn, so I have taken it upon myself to write you this letter.

I would be grateful if you could tell me why you would bring out a range of sweets when you are a sportswoman with whom young children look up to. I would like it if you could explain this to me over dinner and a bottle of wine at the Bel and Dragon bar and restaurant in Godalming, Surrey next Friday at 7.46pm. We don’t have to just talk about this though. Oh and wear your best going out clothes because I was thinking we could hit a nightclub after dinner.

Look forward to seeing you then sweet cheeks.

Ollie Trout

Bear Grylls Adventurer, Writer and Television Presenter

Dear Mr Grylls, 

You’re a true adventurer and born survivor and I really admire the way you get yourself out of some pretty life threatening situations, people could learn a lot from you. Actually I think they probably have learnt a lot from you so forget that bit. The thing I don’t get is why in this day and age they haven’t got vending machines in the wild with light snacks and drinks in place for you to consume if you get desperate. It is something they should perhaps look into, but then comes the issue of you actually having the correct change for a Mars bar on you at the time, unless of course it is a machine that dispenses change, then your life becomes a little easier. Sorry I'm waffling on.

Now Bear (Do you mind if I call you Bear? Or would you prefer Michael as that is your actual name?) Although I have never crossed the North Atlantic, Para motored over the Himalayas or been stranded in the Australian outback, I have experienced things in my life where I have thought this must be what Bear Grylls feels like. The first incident was back in my school days when we went on a field trip to Dover Castle, I'm not sure how but I ended up losing my group and found myself alone in the countryside, after several minutes I began to panic and searched frantically for one of my friends or teachers, but to no avail. During the following minutes I began to get hungry, so I opened my lunch box and to my horror noticed that my mum had forgotten to put my sandwiches in. It was all becoming too much and I needed to get a grip, so I started to think of ways to stay alive if rescue did not surface. Thankfully after around 45 minutes and with only a packet of crisps, a yoghurt and a Mars bar consumed I was found by one of my teachers, but it was touch and go for a minute.

On another occasion back in 2006 I was holidaying with my then girlfriend on the island of Lanzarote. One day we went to the beach and I decided to go for a swim in the sea, I took with me my trusted lilo that had been everywhere with me on my ventures across Europe. Upon pushing my lilo further in before I laid on it, a sudden gust of wind took it out of my hands and blew it far out, I thought about letting it go for a second but such was my love for this lilo I was determined to get it back so I swam out after it. When I eventually caught up with it I realised I was some way from shore and even the buoy was out of reach, honestly Michael you don’t even know how alone, frightened and cold I was. Luckily a nearby boat took pity on me, gave me a Mars bar and returned me back to shore and I lived to fight another day, but it was touch and go for a minute.

Sorry I know I'm waffling again but I have got one more, this was a few years back in Benidorm on a stag do. Our first night there we went out as planned and after surviving an attack from a couple of bruisers in a bar, we carried on drinking vast amounts of alcohol. I don’t know how but I ended up on my own in the strip largely intoxicated and without a clue as to what the name of our apartment was. Having passed out in various places I woke to find I had had my wallet stolen and all my money gone. The next morning came and the scorching sun was bearing down on me, I had no money for food or drink and wondered if I’d ever see my friends again, honestly Michael you don’t even know how alone, hot and in need of water I was. After a while and feeling very weak I reached a crossroads, I had to make a decision on which way to turn, if it was the wrong one it could have been the end for me, but there suddenly in the distance and to my utter relief I saw my friends walking down the road, they bought me a fry up and a Mars bar and I lived to fight another day, but it was touch and go for a moment.

Anyway I’ll let you get on, but it just goes to show we’re not all that different me and you.

Toodle pip

O. Trout

Peter Capaldi Actor

Dear Mr Capaldi,

Congratulations on being named as the new Doctor Who, you’re a fantastic actor and deserve this opportunity.

Now I have to say I haven’t really watched a lot of Doctor Who in the past as it isn't really my cup of tea, but I have an idea that may get me and quite a few others watching. Basically Peter (Do you mind me calling you Peter?) I think you should play the role as your brilliant character in The Thick of it, Malcolm Tucker, this would mean the show would have to be broadcast a lot later in the evening due to the vast amount of swearing but I think it would be a real hit. You could say things like ‘Why don’t you get in that fucking Tardis and go back to a time when you weren't such a tosser’ and to your adversaries you could say stuff like ‘Just fuck off back to planet Skaro you Dalek prick’ or ‘Dido Humanoid, more like Dido Haemorrhoid, now fuck off out of my face’. What do you think?

You have a chat with the writers and directors of the show and I’ll have a chat with my mates down the pub and see if we can get things moving. I look forward to hearing from you Peter.

Thanks

O. Trout

Luis Suarez Footballer

Dear Mr Suarez,

I would like to say Luis (Don’t mind if I call you Luis do you?) aside from the biting of arms, the racist abuse, the diving, the conning of referees, the bad discipline,  the lack of respect to fans, fellow players and manager, you seem like an alright bloke.

Now I understand you’re unhappy at Liverpool at the moment and are looking to get a transfer, the club however are refusing to let you go. With Wayne Rooney and Gareth Bale in similar situations it’s hard not to feel sorry for you footballers. I just don’t think you get enough support, everyone is so engrossed in what’s going on in their own lives that they forget what you poor footballers are going through. There is this guy I know who lost both his legs in an accident and now is in a wheelchair, he could no longer work so he ended up struggling financially. He lost his house as he couldn't afford the mortgage and now lives in a bedsit, both his parents then died within weeks of each other, his wife left him for his brother and all the bloke does is moan. I've tried to make him see that if he takes the time to look around he’ll notice that there are people a lot worse off than him, people such as yourself for instance. I just wish there was more we could do to help.

I hope things work out for you especially as I'm a big Arsenal fan and would love to see you playing for us next season, I think the change would do you good. Having said that we also play in red and don’t win anything.

All the best

O. Trout

(Godalming bus shelter)

Justin Timberlake American Actor, Singer/Songwriter

Dear Mr Timberlake,

When that boy band you were in, I think it was called N-Sync split up back in 2002 or something like that, I thought we would never see you, JC, Chris, Joey and Lance again, not that I knew the names, somebody told me. I was obviously very upset about this; I mean someone I knew was very upset. The thought of not having N-Sync around was heartbreaking for this person. Never again would they hear classic songs such as Tearin Up My Heart, Bye Bye Bye, It’s Gonna Be Me, Pop, You Drive Me Crazy, I’ll Never Stop and This I Promise You. Least I think those were the names of the songs, I’m only going by what people have told me. Although we haven’t heard much from the others you have gone on to be very successful, so well done for that Justin. (You’re ok with me calling you Justin right?)

The reason I write to you today Justin is that I wondered if I could have a good old chin-wag with you about mirrors. There are a lot of questions I would like to ask you and also to see if you share some of my thoughts on the matter. Things like do you believe in the whole 7 years bad luck if you break one, do you think in some mirrors you look better than in others, how many mirrors do you think an average household should own, that sort of thing. You seem like you are quite knowledgeable in this area so I would love to get your opinions.

If you could perhaps meet me at the Bel and Dragon bar and restaurant in Godalming, Surrey next Friday week at 3.46pm, that would be fantastic. No need to wear a suit and tie, smart casual is fine.

All the best

O.T

Kirsty Young Crimewatch Presenter

Dear Mrs Young,

I'm writing to you today because you seem like a trustworthy person who can perhaps understand my situation. Now I'm pretty sure you would have already come across this story on Crimewatch but I'm going to explain it to you from my point of view.

My name is Oliver and just over a year ago my then girlfriend and I were driving back from a trip to Cornwall. We decided to stop for some lunch at Route 303 an American restaurant in Hointon, upon arrival the place was relatively quiet and in turn we didn't have to wait long for our food. As we were eating we noticed the place was getting busier and busier, then by the time we had finished it was full. The staff struggled to cope with this sudden onslaught and began to lose the plot, our empty plates hadn't been collected for a good 20 minutes and any hope of a dessert menu was disintegrating. When I managed to attract the attention of the waitress I asked for the bill, she said sure and off she went, a further 10 minutes went by and still no bill so I asked again and alas nothing. I didn't know it at the time but I then made a decision that would change my life forever. I decided amongst the chaos to walk out without paying as my reluctant girlfriend followed, not one member of staff noticed and we fled the scene quickly.

At first I think I was on some kind of emotional high, the adrenalin was pumping and I felt alive, I know I had done wrong but it felt so right. In the months that followed though I became consumed with guilt and paranoia, I thought about going back and paying but I knew that it was too late. I was expecting the police to turn up at the door and arrest me at any moment. The walls were closing in and I knew it, so one day in my complete madness I went on the run, leaving my family, friends and job behind. I spent the little amount of money I had staying in cheap B&B's across the country and it wasn't long before I was sleeping rough. A month went by and still I hadn't been caught, I knew I had to sort myself out as my health was starting to deteriorate. I decided to head to a small town called Godalming, where I knew an old friend lived, luckily he took pity on me and let me stay. I managed to get myself a job and get back on my feet, I now go by the name of Ollie, my hair is a couple of inches longer and I wear sunglasses and a hat when I'm outdoors as to hide my identity.

Unfortunately the guilt is still controlling me so I've decided to admit to this heinous crime and come clean once and for all. I understand you may have to inform the police about this but I was wondering is there any way I can just pay the outstanding bill of £21.80 and for it all to be forgotten about. I'm not a bad person Kirsty (May I call you Kirsty?) I made a mistake and I really don’t want to pay for it, apart from the £21.80 of course.

If there is any advice or support you can give me, it will be much appreciated.

Yours Desperately,

Ollie (was Oliver) Trout

Kate Middleton Duchess Of Cambridge and Prince William Duke Of Cambridge

Dear Kate and Wills, 

You don’t mind me calling you Kate and Wills do you? I know you’re royalty but I just wanted to address you like normal people, rather than put you on some kind of pedestal.

Well firstly I would like to say congratulations to you both on the birth of your son, bit gutted you didn't call him Sid as I had that name in the sweepstake at work, could have won 25 quid, but hey you win some you lose some.

I hope you’re both enjoying these precious early days with your child and are getting the privacy you deserve. Mind you it’s not like the British press to intrude too much, in fact how strange is this, on the actual day of the birth there wasn't anything else happening in the world, no other news whatsoever, spooky huh? Also there was a report on the radio that you had in fact arrived at the hospital by car, now is this true because I was shocked. I know most women who are about to go into labour arrive by parachute.

This obviously wouldn't be for a couple months, but my sister has a nine month old boy and she said to ask Kate if she would like to go with her to buggy fit on a Wednesday morning at Burys Field Park in Godalming. Maybe while they're doing that Wills we can go for a Wetherspoons breakfast in town and who knows possibly a cheeky pint. Let me know.

Yours Sincerely,

O. J Trout

(The Grand Old Duke Of Godalming)

Bill Oddie Birdwatcher, Broadcaster, Presenter, Actor and Writer

Dear Mr Oddie,

You’re obviously well known for your extensive knowledge on wildlife and love of birds etc. I wondered though, has it always been this way? The reason I ask this Bill (Do you mind if I call you Bill?) Is because I really used to despise them, waking me up at knob o'clock with their incessant tweeting. It got so bad that I started a vendetta with this one bird who would sit on the tree in my garden every morning coo-cooing. In the end I felt I had little choice but to purchase a rifle and shoot it.

In the aftermath of my actions I felt bad and thought I should take the time to find out more about our feathered friends in the hope that I could form some compassion towards them. At the end of the day anything that fly’s whether that be a bird a plane or superman really is quite amazing. The more I learnt about them the more my fascination grew and now I can happily say I'm a fully fledged member of Birdworld in Farnham.

I really wish I could get more people to see how fascinating these creatures are, I was delighted the other week when a few of the lads from work invited me down the local park to do some bird watching. Imagine my embarrassment Bill when I turned up in all the bird watching gear including binoculars and telescope only to find out they meant looking at women, I felt like a right tit. Now everyone at work thinks I'm a pervert and lunchtimes have become quite a lonely affair.

If you ever want to chat about birds, or women for that matter tweet me @Ilovebirdsandwomen.

Take it easy

Ollie Trout

Passenger Singer Songwriter

Dear Mr Rosenberg (Passenger)

I'm not sure what the reason behind the name passenger is, I think it is because you were in a band called passenger before you went solo and decided to carry on using the name passenger as a one piece, am I correct? Did you know that passenger is in fact my nickname? It all comes from me not being able to drive and poncing lifts off people, always sitting in the passenger seat…….get it? When I'm not being a passenger in someone else’s car I'm being a passenger travelling on public transport such as buses, trains, planes and anything else that entails being a passenger. So that is why I'm called passenger, hence the name passenger…….you don’t care do you.

Anyway, although I do like your song Let Her Go, after hearing it three times a day on the radio at work it’s becoming rather annoying. So I've decided to change the station in order to not hear it ever again. The trouble is I think now it’s gone from my life I might miss it, because as the saying goes….you only miss a song once you've changed the station.

All the best

Ollie Trout (Passenger)

Andy Murray Tennis Player

Dear Mr Murray,

I wanted to say firstly, congratulations on winning Wimbledon, it really is a wonderful achievement and you should be proud. I know it’s not like this country to overreact about anything whether that is the snow, the heat or the first British man to win Wimbledon in 77 years but people calling for you to get a knighthood might be stretching it a little too far.

Now Andy (I'm all right to call you Andy aren't I?) you know when people say where were you and what were you doing when an historical or tragic moment happened such as the death of Diana, 9/11, or when Scotland last qualified for the World Cup. When people ask me in years to come where were you and what were you doing when Andy Murray won Wimbledon?

I will say I was in a bar getting absolutely shitfaced, trying to concentrate on the screen, not knowing who was who and being thrown out after continuously shouting common Tim. Then waking up the next day in a bush remembering very little of the match or who in fact had actually won. That’s something to tell the grandkids eh Andy.

All the best

Oliver Trout

(Long standing member of the All England Lawn Tennis Club)

George Michael Singer Songwriter

Dear Mr Michaels,

Firstly I just want to say I hope you have fully recovered from your latest motor related setback. You know I think it’s amazing how people are quick to judge you and take the piss, but I’m not going to jump on that bandwagon today George (Don’t mind if I call you George do you?) as I have total sympathy for you.

Last Christmas I was out learning to drive with my then girlfriend, it was going well, in fact too well, I thought I was absolutely flawless, I felt alive, almost like I was driving towards the edge of heaven, but within moments I went from thinking I was Jesus, to a child, because for some inexplicable reason I decided to lean over and mutter sweet nothings in my girlfriends ear, it turned out to be a careless whisper, because suddenly wham! Straight into a bollard, I tried spinning the wheel frantically but it was too late. Maybe if I had gone a different corner it wouldn’t have happened but what’s done is done, luckily no one was seriously injured. If only I had a father figure to turn to now because the problem I have is I’m afraid to get back in a car and learn to drive, but it is something I need to do, it gives you that freedom to do what you want. I should at least give it one more try, I just need to have a bit of faith in myself.

I guess the point I’m trying to make George is that everyone has done something stupid in a car whether that be as a driver or a passenger, so don’t feel like you’re alone in this. If you ever need someone to talk to about it, I’m your man.

All the best

Ollie Trout

Christian Jessen Doctor and Television Presenter

Dear Dr Jessen,

I used to tune in to your show Embarrassing bodies quite regularly as it made me feel better about my appearance and cheered me up if I’d had a shit day, but over time I stopped as I realised that I wasn't any less freaky than some of your patients.

The reason I say this Christian (I can call you Christian can’t I?)  is that one day not too long ago when I looked down I noticed that my shin bones on each leg were very large and flat, when I then compared them to other shins I realised that I was the only one who had this disorder. Since then my life has become miserable, I can’t enjoy summer like normal people as I won’t wear shorts because I'm afraid people will point and laugh. My work colleagues have now found out and they say things to me like shin up and call me names such as Shinbig, Shindlers List and Shin Jong-Un. I fell asleep in the staff room the other day and when I woke I found plates, cups and all sorts from the store cupboard balancing on my shins, I felt like a laughing stock.  

I don’t know if you have seen this before on any other patient Christian, but if there is any advice or help you can give me to deal with this it will be much appreciated, because it really is weighing me down.

Thank you

Ollie Trout

(Shincliffe)

Emeli Sande Singer Songwriter

Dear Mrs Sande,        

I must say firstly you’re a terrific singer-songwriter and deserve all the accolades you are getting at the moment. You don’t quite make it on to my I-pod as yet, but don’t be disheartened by that. It comes down to personal taste that’s all.

Now Emeli (You’re Ok with me calling you Emeli right?) below I have come up with three hypothetical situations that you have found yourself in and some made up headlines that go with them. Have a little read and see what you think.

1. You’re involved in an ugly fracas outside a nightclub on a Sunday night with a member of the paparazzi in which you receive a nasty gash to the head. The next day the headline reads ‘Sunday bloody Sande’.

2. You’re caught having sexual intercourse with a man on a beach. The next day the headline reads ‘Male on Sande’. 

3. You are seen in a restaurant ordering a double helping of dessert. The next day the headline reads ‘More Ice Cream Sande?’ 

I know it is very unlikely that you will find yourself in any of those situations as you like to keep out of the public eye, but if these scenarios did occur and in particular these headlines were made about you, would you be afraid and can we read all about it?

Let me Know

Cheers

Ollie Trout

(Photographer)

Ross Kemp Actor, Author and Journalist

Dear Mr Kemp,

I heard you recently got held at knife point in Papa New Guinea, talk about unlucky, it seems every time you go on holiday abroad something bad happens, it’s almost as if trouble follows you. Maybe just stick to a caravan holiday in Cornwall or Butlins next year. Anyway I hope you’re not too shaken up.

Right to the serious stuff, I am thinking of starting up a gang and I wondered if you would like to be in it? The reason I ask you Ross (Do you mind me calling you Ross?) is because you have spent a lot of time with gangs from all over the world, so your experience in this field will be invaluable. Also, I know you don’t really see him much these days but could you ask your brother Phil if he’s interested in joining too, then we can really start to get this thing off the ground.

I will be holding our first gang meeting Thursday week in my bedroom at my parents house, the address is at the top of the page. Let me know A.S.A.P (as soon as possible).

Oh I nearly forgot, my mum said to ask you would you prefer baked beans or peas with your fish fingers and chips?

Cheers Ross

O.J.T

(Oliver James Trout)

Queen Elizabeth II

Dear Your Majesty The Queen,

I know most people probably Tweet you or write on your Facebook wall, but I thought I’d go the old fashioned route and write you a letter. Plus it will give you something to read on those lonely days at the palace. Actually maybe we could become pen pals, what do you reckon?

I haven’t seen you out and about waving much recently, is everything ok? I suspect you’re taking it easy after a busy year last year what with all the Olympic stuff and your Diamond Jubilee, or birthday as Will I am called it. Your face towards the end of those events, you looked well pissed off, mind you so would I if I had to listen to JLS live, it’s ok they won’t be bothering anyone anymore.

How are Philip and the family? Oh and not to mention the corgis? I take it they have all been registered now; they’re very strict about that these days.

Not a lot happening my end, recently split with my girlfriend but it’s a long story so I won’t go into that now. Other than that just work really and going out with my mates when I can, you know how it is.

So…….who do you think will win the Premier League next season? My money is on Chelsea, they've got the special one back now so they’re going to be a real threat. It should be a really interesting season, looking forward to it.

Anyway I’ll let you get on, but be sure to write back.

Yours Sincerely,

Ollie Trout

Roger Black Former Athlete

Dear Mr Black,

I think I was about 13 when I watched you in the Atlanta Olympic games back in 1996, you were running in the 400m final. I remember shouting at the television screen, “common Roger, you can do it Roger, go on my son…… oh never mind Roger, hey Silver is still good”. I don’t know why, but I remember it like it was yesterday.

Anyway I'm not sure what you’re doing these days but have you thought about giving acting a go? The reason I say this Roger (I presume it’s ok to call you Roger?) is I'm working on a sitcom called ‘Pot Kettle Black’ and I need the lead role to be someone famous with the surname Black. You’re the only one that springs to mind, apart from Cilla, who let’s face it is getting on a bit now and of course Jack Black, but I imagine he's busy with films and stuff. The plot will centre around you Roger Black running a coffee shop, high on cannabis, hence the name ‘Pot Kettle Black’. This all leads to hilarious consequences and juvenile mishaps.

So what do you reckon Roger? I think you can do it, you've just got to believe in yourself, don’t settle for second best….oops sorry. I've just got to write the whole thing and for it to be commissioned and we’re good to go.

Let me know

Cheers

Ollie Trout

(Amsterdam)

Lord Alan Sugar Business Magnate and Media Personality

Dear Lord Sugar,

I admire you as a man and wish that I could be more like you, not exactly like you because that’s just weird. I certainly wouldn't want to be in my sixties with grey balding hair ha-ha…….. You’re not laughing are you? I do mean of course your confidence, assertiveness and your ability to make important decisions Alan (May I call you Alan?).

The problem I've got Alan is that I struggle to be assertive and to make even the basic of decisions and it’s starting to get me down a bit. For instance at work I always seem to be the one who has to make the fruit salad, now I don’t mind handling a couple of melons from time to time but it would be nice if the job was shared between all of us.  I just get on with it though as I don’t like confrontation. As for decision making I can’t even decide what to have for dinner some nights and often don’t bother doing anything at all because by the time I have decided, I'm not hungry anymore. I even went on the show Red or Black but had to come home as I couldn't decide which colour to choose. It was so embarrassing.

If you could possibly give me some advice to help me with these problems it would be much appreciated. It’s up to you though you don’t have to if you don’t want to. Actually maybe we could meet for coffee next Wednesday or Thursday, not sure what is best but you decide and let me know. Also I have some ideas you might like for The Apprentice, how about when you fire someone you slap their face as well……..No that’s just stupid, don’t know why I even thought that was a good idea, sorry.

Kind Regards

Oliver Trout

(Head Chef) 

Amy Childs Star of the Only Way is Essex

Dear Miss Childs,                                

I always thought The Only Way Is Essex was television for stupid people and couldn't understand why everyone loved it so much. One day just to annoy myself I decided to watch an episode and slowly but surely found myself getting into it, one episode turned to two, three, four, etc. Then such was my fascination with these orange people I had to buy the box-set and I spent one whole day watching episode after episode. Before I knew it I was watching repeats and knew every character inside and out and in no time at all I was starting to abbreviate words and saying shut up in an elaborate way to anyone that would listen. By this point my mates had started to become distant towards me as all I wanted to do on a Saturday night was go to the Sugar Hut in Essex. At work I would use my lunch break to go and get a spray tan, it got so bad that I even got mistaken as one of the Indian lads that worked there. I'm ashamed to say this but I was so out of control that one day, god help me I went and got a vajazzle and I don’t even have a vagina!

Now I understand you have now left the show, but I was wondering if you were aware of TOWIE addiction. I suffered with this horrible illness for two years and had to battle pretty much by myself to beat it as I was laughed at by people and refused help by doctors. I want people to see that this is a serious addiction and can ruin lives, although I have now been clean for six months, there are thousands of other people who need help but are getting refused on the NHS.

I am doing a talk about this at the Sugar Hut on the 28^th of July and it would be Totes Amazeballs if you could come down and say a few words to support me (sorry I still have lapses). I want people to enjoy the show but not to take it too seriously and for it to consume their lives.

Hope to see you there, oh and bring your vajazzle kit.

Yours sincerely 

Ollie Essex

Marbella

Barack Obama President of the United States

Dear Mr Obama,   

First off I would just like to say, you’re pretty damn cool for a president. I wish we had a cool person in charge of our country, instead we get David Cameron, I know he means well, but boy he must cramp your style when he’s over in the US. Whenever I see him with you, it looks like Snoop Dog hanging around with Chris Martin.

I'm not sure if you’re aware of a programme called Wife Swap, it originated over here in Britain and made its way over to you in 2004, although yours is actually called Wife Swap US. Anyway I was thinking as I sometimes do, that we should do a government swap, you and your crew take control of Great Britain and Cameron and his cronies do the same over in the US. It doesn't have to be for long just a couple of months or something, you can make as many changes as you want; after all you’re in control. Then after the few months are up both leaders talk over what happened and see what they can learn for the future of their country. What do you think?

You have a chat with your people and I’ll have a chat with my mates down the pub and see if we can get things moving. You got my address now, so no excuse not to get in touch.

Oh and if this does happen bring your justice system with you, ours is atrocious.

Cheers Barack (It’s ok to call you Barack isn't it?)

Ollie Trout

(Foreign Affairs)