Monday, 6 June 2016

Sainsbury's - Supermarket


Around about 4 years ago I was in your Godalming branch with my then girlfriend picking up some ingredients for a nice Sunday dinner, after we got everything we made our way to the self service checkout and proceeded to scan our goods. When I tried to put the corn fed chicken through though it didn't register but instead of try again or get help I popped it in the bag and off we went. I naturally felt a little guilty but that guilt soon to unbridled joy as I had what can only be described as the best Sunday roast I've ever had, whether that was down to the chicken being free I don't know. Afterwards I sat on the couch and basked in the glory of my heinous crime and eventually went to bed and forgot about it.
In the weeks and months that followed though, I began to feel more and more guilty about my actions. I thought about going back and confessing what I had done but I knew it was too late, this then led to paranoia where I believed the police were coming to get me, every time there was a knock at the door or the phone would ring I hide myself away. It got so bad that eventually I fled my home and went on the run, convinced I was being watched I slept rough for months and grew a beard, I wore a hat and sunglasses in public and changed my name from Oliver to Ollie. Eventually when it had all blown over I returned back but I had lost everything, my girlfriend, my job, my home and all for a free corn fed chicken.
I felt the time was right to come clean and i appreciate the fact you my have to get the police involved but is there anyway i can just pay the £4.40 and we can forget about all this?

Kind regards

Ollie (was Oliver) Trout

Premier Inn - Hotel


I would like to make a serious point regarding my stay at Premier Inn Guildford back in January. I'm not sure if this is where you handle complaints but I thought I'd post it up on here anyway.
During my one night stay I had no problem with the service, the food, or in fact the room but the thing that disappointed me was that not once was I told beforehand or during my stay that is not a good place to commit adultery. Whether that was down to the location, the constant emails about my booking, or the gossiping from staff as I kissed my lover in public I don't know but it is no coincidence that two days after my stay I was thrown out by my missus after she had followed me that night.
I subsequently ended up with nothing and yes you may say it's my own fault but I feel like Premier Inn should take some responsibility.
I'm not asking for a refund but I would like you to make it aware to people the dangers they face in being caught. Unfortunately due to my experience I will be taking my affairs elsewhere from now on.

Kind regards

Ollie Trout

P.S If indeed you do feel the need to give me a refund I am more than happy to discuss this with you further.

Tasty - Food recipe site

You're absolutely right when you say this is 'food that'll make you close your eyes, lean back and whisper yessssss' because i did exactly that when browsing through photos on your website. However I happen to be sitting on the edge of a cliff at the time and with a cracked vertebrae, two broken ribs and a fractured tibia i certainly wasn't whispering yesssssss at the time!! So be careful guys stay safe when browsing tasty.


Ollie Trout
The Buckland Hospital, Dover

Monday, 13 October 2014

Sam Smith Singer/Songwriter

Dear Mr Smith,                         

I would like to say firstly well done on your achievements so far in the music world; it’s refreshing to see genuine talented artists such as yourself do well in a business that has been riddled with manufactured pop garbage such as One Direction. Having said that I do quite like that song they did called ‘Best Song Ever’ and that other one wasn’t bad, I think it’s called ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ not to mention ‘Stories Of My Life’ and of course who could forget ‘Live While We’re Young’ and Kiss You, especially live at the O2…..I would imagine.

Anyway Sam (Do you mind if I call you Sam?) the reason I write to you today is regarding your song Money on my mind, where you say you don’t have money on your mind and you do it for the love. Now I’m pleased for you Sam I really am but I’m in the complete opposite situation, I got money on my mind all the time, trying to pay the rent each month and the gas bills just gone up again. I can’t say I do it for the love either, I mean don’t get me wrong Sam I don’t hate my job but to be frankly honest I wouldn’t be doing it if I didn’t have to.

Now I’m not asking you for any money Sam as I’m not that kind of guy but I did wonder if I could use you the basis of your song to make a spoof music video? It will be called ‘Mummy on my mind’ and it will feature a toddler enjoying himself at nursery, the playground etc, basically saying he doesn’t have his mum on his mind because he’s having far too much fun. I’m currently in the process of writing the lyrics and I really think it could be a money spinner, what do you think?

Let me know Sam


Oliver Trout

Kitchen Assistant

Monday, 22 September 2014

Frank Skinner Comedian

Dear Mr Skinner,                                             

You have been making people laugh for a number of years now, myself included and whenever I've been involved in a conversation about you for whatever reason in the past I haven’t heard a bad word said, so well done on that front Frank (Do you mind if I call you Frank?).

Having said all that Frank, I work in an old people’s home as a Kitchen Assistant or Chef as I like to tell people and we listen to Absolute radio most days, this is except on Saturday mornings when a few members of the kitchen team object to listening to your show. I have confronted them about this and the main reason is that you ramble on too much and not enough music is played and that you are preferred on the TV rather than the radio.

I do not share this opinion Frank and would obviously love to be listening to your show, but unfortunately I miss out every week due to the sense of humour failure of my fellow colleagues. This means every Saturday I am forced to listen to repeats of 70’s dance classics and passenger ‘let her go’ on Heart radio and quite frankly Frank I've had enough.

If there is anyway you could help me out Frank by maybe sending out a message to the kitchen crew at Sunrise senior living in Guildford, perhaps asking them to listen to your show even if it’s for one week…… wait a minute I just thought we won’t even be tuned in to hear the message because will be listening to fucking Toby Anstis on Heart, oh forget it!

Cheers Anyway

Oliver Trout

Tuesday, 8 July 2014

Roy Hodgson England Manager

Dear Mr Hodgson,                                     

I know everyone is quick to question where you went wrong and what team you should have played etc etc but I’m not going to jump on that bandwagon today Roy (Do you mind if I call you Roy?). However I would like to suggest if I may what line up you should go for on the plane home.

I think you should go with three up top, say Sterling, Sturridge and Rooney, with Rooney in the middle as an experienced flyer can settle the nerves of the other two not so experienced flyers. Behind them I think you should have the three Liverpool players Gerrard, Henderson and Johnson, they all know each other well so it will be good banter, I think Gerrard given his age should be on the aisle seat as he may need to go to toilet more than the others, better keep a check on Johnson as he may be caught sleeping quite a lot. Then I’d go with Baines, Jageilka and Lampard, this I would imagine will be an intelligent well behaved group, with plenty of reading taking place, I would have put Cahill next to Jageilka but I really don’t think they sit well together. The rest Roy I would trust your instincts on, although I would give Alex Oxlade Chamberlain plenty of leg room given the injury, maybe stick him next to Fraser Forster as the two players that didn’t feature in the world cup and they can muse about how if they played things would have been different.

Anyway Roy, it’s up to you at the end of the day, it’s not like you’ve let anyone down so far.

Safe journey

Oliver Trout

Monday, 28 April 2014

David Moyes Former Manchester United Manager

Dear Mr Moyes,  

I know you have had a difficult time of it recently what with the sacking and the constant media attention, not to mention everyone having their opinions and taking the Mickey, you must feel so trapped. I think first and foremost you should get away for a bit and clear your head, The Sun newspaper are doing their £15 holidays again so might be worth collecting the tokens for that, best to stay away from the back pages though.

Now the reason I write to you today David (Do you mind me calling you David?) is not to go on about what happened but perhaps help you to build for the future and come back stronger after this humiliation. Around 5 years ago my mate Barry was offered a senior management role at the local Co-op, when the long serving successful manager before retired after 25 years. Baz had worked his way up from being a checkout assistant and the former boss saw potential in him and offered him the reigns. Unfortunately for Bazza it all went tits up, profits fell, staffing levels dropped and eventually he was shown the door after just 8 months in charge. But David, despite his wife and kids leaving him, losing his family home and being diagnosed with depression, Barry after 4 and a half years of hell has recently returned to work and has a job working part-time at the local Greengrocers and after not going out of the house for years, he is now socialising at the Wetherspoons in Godalming where he chats to anyone that will listen.

So I guess what I'm saying is David, if Bazza can get back on his feet again, so can you.

Chin up

Oliver Trout
(Wetherspoons Godalming)