Wednesday 24 April 2013

Holly Willoughby TV Presenter




Dear Mrs Willoughby,

I don’t know if you remember me, but my name is Ollie, I'm 30 years old, brown hair and blue eyes. You glanced at me three quarters of the way through Celebrity Juice in November 2010; I was sat third from the left in the fifth row.......No? Ok fair enough.

The reason I write to you today Holly (I presume it is ok to call you Holly?) is that I'm slightly concerned that your co-host on This Morning, Phillip Schofield, is slowly turning into a cat. Everytime I tune in to the show he looks more and more like a White Persian. I'm frightened that one day I'm going to turn on my TV and whiskas have appeared on his face. I wondered if he had been acting strangely at all, like drinking lots of milk on set, sleeping in unusual places, licking himself, that sort of thing.

I don’t know if you have noticed this yourself, but I am genuinely concerned. If you could just perhaps keep an eye on him, see how it develops. If he keeps nipping off next door for food, then we know we have a problem.

Cheers

Ollie Trout
(Third from the left, fifth row)



Saturday 20 April 2013

Graham Norton Comedian and TV Presenter




Dear Mr Norton,

You are an extremely funny man and I love that chat show you have on the BBC. I can’t for the life of me remember what it is called sorry, but it is good television. The only thing I object to slightly with your sense of humour is that you take the mickey quite a bit and although it is funny, sometimes it can be a bit much.

Anyway Graham (Is it OK to call you Graham?) I wondered if you can help me, I've been living with my flat mate for around 6 months now and although he hasn't said anything to me, I'm starting to suspect he might be gay. I'm probably just being silly but I've noticed a few things which have aroused my suspicions slightly. For instance nearly every Saturday night he goes out dressed as a woman, now maybe he just gets invited to a lot of fancy dress parties, but it is the same outfit every time. Also he uses a lot of face and hair products and is always going shopping for clothes, now maybe I'm just an old fashioned bloke and I don’t really get the modern day man thing, but I find it a little feminine.
He brought a male friend back with him the other week and they spent a long time in his room, I could hear heavy breathing, but I suspect they were working out together or something. He loves musicals and his icons are Liza Minnelli and Kylie but I guess not every man has to like football and rock music and hey who doesn't like Kylie, she’s got a cracking arse. He often calls me darling or honey in a dramatic way, but he’s probably kidding around like guys do.
There is one thing that definitely got me thinking though, he is always hanging around with this really pretty girl, they go everywhere together, they’re like best friends but they haven’t slept together. What’s all that about?

Now as a gay man yourself I was hoping you could tell me if he is or not? I haven’t got a problem with it at all; I just wish he could have been honest with me. I don’t really want to confront him in case he isn't? What shall I do? Please help Graham.

Ta Ta for now

Oliver Trout






Thursday 18 April 2013

Helen Chamberlain Soccer AM Presenter




Dear Miss Chamberlain,

I've been watching you now for a number of years….not in a creepy way but through my telly box on a Saturday morning. I often tune in with my girlfriend who I've been with for over two years now, when I turned to her the other week and said I've been out to dinner with Helen Chamberlain, she obviously thought I was joking, but it is in fact true. Why I hadn't told her before I'm not exactly sure as it is my only real claim to fame.

I'm not sure that you would remember but you kindly arranged to meet my mum, sister and I after you mentioned my late father on the show all the way back in early 1995. You came to watch me play football and then we hit the lavish Tolworth Broadway for a pizza.

Now being only 11 at the time I can’t really remember paying anything towards this meal and I can only apologise for this. My excuse being with only 2 pounds a week pocket money coming in times were certainly hard back then. Hopefully this didn't trouble you too much and you moved on.

I would like to thank you belatedly for that act of kindness and if you’re ever in the Godalming area and you fancy a pizza, try Pizza Express on the high street, it really is lovely.

Keep doing what you’re doing and I wish you all the best.

Yours sincerely,

Oliver Trout 
(Now aged 30!)


Tuesday 16 April 2013

Sir Ranulph Fiennes British Adventurer and Writer




Dear Mr Fiennes,

You are a remarkable man and have done some pretty amazing things in your life. To be still going strong at your age is nothing short of a miracle. You've tested yourself to the limit as a human being and done so much for charity that you should be commended for all your achievements. Actually I'm pretty sure you have been commended for your achievements so forget that bit.

Although I have never been to the North and South Pole, climbed Everest or crossed the Antarctic, I have experienced some things in my life where I've thought, this must be what Sir Ranulph feels like when he does these heroic things (I can call you Sir Ranulph right?) The first incident was some years ago when I’d been out with the lads on a Friday night to Epsom. It was about 3 in the morning and the club we were in was shutting, it was just me and my friend Malik left and between us we had not a penny to get a cab home, nor did we have any money on our phones to call anyone. So we had no choice but to begin the long walk home unaided to Chessington. I'm not sure if you've ever done the Epsom to Chessington walk Sir Ranulph but I can tell you now it is one of immense pain, just a long straight road lasting a good hour and a half. With our legs going and no water it is a miracle we ever made it back that night.

Another incident also going back a few years now, I was working at Chessington World of Adventures in the car parks, I went to pick up a folding metal sign and I got my fingertip trapped at the top, eventually I broke free, but with my nail turning purple I had no choice but to go to the hospital. I then sat waiting to be seen for hours on end as my finger throbbed in pain, honestly you've
 never felt pain like it Sir Ranulph. As time wore on I felt that there could be a distinct possibility that I may have to have my finger amputated. Turns out they just pierced the nail to release the blood and I was aloud to go home, but it was touch and go for a moment.

Sorry to go on but I have got one more and this was quite recently. I work in a care home in Godalming as a Kitchen Assistant or Chef as I like to tell people and the other week I got shut in the freezer. My whole life flashed before me as I shouted and banged on the door for help. Believe me Sir Ranulph you don’t even know how cold and dark it was. As no one came to help I wondered to myself how long it would be before I wilted away. Then after about 5 minutes of being in there I suddenly realised you could open it from the inside and I lived to fight another day. But it was touch and go for a moment.

Anyway I’ll let you get on, but it just goes to show we’re not all that different me and you.

Toodle pip

Oliver Trout
(Chef) 


Thursday 11 April 2013

Cliff Richard Singer




Dear Mr Richard,               

I know it’s a little early but I was wondering if you had any plans for next Christmas. I don’t actually mean on the day itself as I'm sure you are going to be busy with your family or something. Although if you are at a lose end I could ask my mum to knock up an extra dinner for you, but you’ll have to let me know as soon as you can because she likes to be organised well in advance. I do of course mean have you any plans to do a Christmas song? You've been out of the game for a while now, why not make a return. I'm sure there are quite a few of your fans still alive who will buy the single. Have a little think.

Also I must add I actually received your 2013 calendar for Christmas last year and it is hanging proudly on my kitchen wall. There you are posing handsomely in all sorts of exotic locations. I have to say it is one of the best funny presents I’ve ever received.

Let me know about Christmas Cliff (Your alright with me calling you Cliff aren’t you?)

All the best

Oliver Trout

Tuesday 9 April 2013

Jessica Ennis Athlete




Dear Miss Ennis,         

I know this is so last year, but I just wanted to say congratulations on the Olympics. There is no doubt that you will go down in British folklore as the fittest girl ever to win a gold medal for her country. No in all seriousness you were amazing and should be proud of your achievements.

Now I'm all for you celebrating your new found fame Jessica (You don’t mind if I call you Jessica? Or would you prefer Jess? How about Jessie? Maybe Jessie baby?) OK Miss Ennis it is…..you can’t just turn up at people’s house and start telling them about getting two per cent cash back at department stores or randomly stalking people in the street about getting three per-cent cash back on their mobile bills. All this if they get a 123 credit card from Santander. I'm not sure if you’re selling something or you've been put up to this, but it just seems a little strange to me.

I personally think you should just stick to Athletics, but if you do feel the need to turn up in my bedroom uninvited. I'm not going to kick you out.

All the best Jess

Oliver Trout


Saturday 6 April 2013

Carol Vorderman Loose Women Presenter and Former Co-Host of Countdown




Dear Miss Vorderman, 

I’m not a particularly intelligent man, but I am intelligent enough to know that you are an intelligent woman; you make Mathematics look as easy as walking down the stairs.

So what the bloody hell were you doing trying to run down them with your hands in your pockets and whilst wearing four-inch heels. All this at your age you silly billy.

Listen if there is anything you need while your recovering, milk, bread, a coat without pockets, probably best to ask your family or friends as I don’t know you personally and to be honest I’m very busy writing ridiculous letters to celebrities at the moment.

Get well soon

Oliver Trout

Michael Fish Former Weather Presenter




Dear Mr Fish,

I have long been a supporter of weather and do my best to take it with me everywhere I go, but recently I've become confused and frustrated by its unpredictability and I often wake up in a cold shiver during the night worrying about it. Either that or I've left the window open again.

Now it’s no coincidence that since your retirement the weather has become a joke, the seasons are all over the place, I mean it’s snowing in April for goodness sake. The weather presenters these days haven’t a clue what’s going on, they try to paint over the cracks with their smiley and pretty faces but they don’t what’s happening. With you we knew exactly where we stood, a commanding figure who knew his sleet from his snow, no joking about, no gimmicks, straight to the point. I remember 1987 and the storm, I was crapping myself, quite literally I was only four, but you had that calming presence that told us, yes your windows may cave in and trees could fall on your house, but everything will be OK in the end.

So common Michael (You don’t mind me calling you Michael do you?) Get off the sofa, come back and save weather. You know it makes sense.

Thanks

Oliver Trout




Friday 5 April 2013

Steve Coogan Actor and Comedian




Dear Mr Coogan,

I don’t care what people say I think you are a comedy legend. I don’t think people are saying you’re not a comedy legend, but if they were, they’d be wrong because you are. Now I'm a massive fan of your work and the characters that you've played over the years such as unemployed Mancunian Paul Calf and his sister Pauline, Duncan Thickett and Portuguese Eurovision song contest winner Tony Ferrino. Oh and how could I forget the brilliant Tommy Saxondale.

The reason I write to you today Alan (do you mind if I call you Alan?) is I have an idea for a programme, well a sitcom. I've called it Regional Batman; it’s about a 32 year old divorced father of one. After the breakdown of his marriage he feels his life is going nowhere, until he lands the job as Regional Batman for Surrey, working under the direction of Head Batman. The series will explore how he settles into his new role and struggles with the demanding nature of regional crime fighting along with his ever eager trainee manager/sidekick Robert.
OK I've just thought there could be major legal issues here so it might not work. Bear with me I've got more, what about ‘The Only Way Is Esso’ set in a petrol station where all the staff are stupid and over exaggerate the glamorous world of selling petrol.
Actually we can’t really use the name Esso, so that could become a problem. Wait don’t throw this letter away yet, I've got more erm……’Pot Kettle Black’, set in Amsterdam starring ex athlete Roger Black, he runs a coffee shop in the heart of the City absolutely out of it on marijuana, with hilarious consequences.
OK I'm not sure if Roger Black would be interested or if he can even act. Erm………Last Of The Summer Cider with teenagers instead of pensioners. Oh forget it!

Thanks

Oliver Trout