Emeli Sande Singer Songwriter

Dear Mrs Sande,        

I must say firstly you’re a terrific singer-songwriter and deserve all the accolades you are getting at the moment. You don’t quite make it on to my I-pod as yet, but don’t be disheartened by that. It comes down to personal taste that’s all.

Now Emeli (You’re Ok with me calling you Emeli right?) below I have come up with three hypothetical situations that you have found yourself in and some made up headlines that go with them. Have a little read and see what you think.

1. You’re involved in an ugly fracas outside a nightclub on a Sunday night with a member of the paparazzi in which you receive a nasty gash to the head. The next day the headline reads ‘Sunday bloody Sande’.

2. You’re caught having sexual intercourse with a man on a beach. The next day the headline reads ‘Male on Sande’. 

3. You are seen in a restaurant ordering a double helping of dessert. The next day the headline reads ‘More Ice Cream Sande?’ 

I know it is very unlikely that you will find yourself in any of those situations as you like to keep out of the public eye, but if these scenarios did occur and in particular these headlines were made about you, would you be afraid and can we read all about it?

Let me Know

Cheers

Ollie Trout

(Photographer)

Ross Kemp Actor, Author and Journalist

Dear Mr Kemp,

I heard you recently got held at knife point in Papa New Guinea, talk about unlucky, it seems every time you go on holiday abroad something bad happens, it’s almost as if trouble follows you. Maybe just stick to a caravan holiday in Cornwall or Butlins next year. Anyway I hope you’re not too shaken up.

Right to the serious stuff, I am thinking of starting up a gang and I wondered if you would like to be in it? The reason I ask you Ross (Do you mind me calling you Ross?) is because you have spent a lot of time with gangs from all over the world, so your experience in this field will be invaluable. Also, I know you don’t really see him much these days but could you ask your brother Phil if he’s interested in joining too, then we can really start to get this thing off the ground.

I will be holding our first gang meeting Thursday week in my bedroom at my parents house, the address is at the top of the page. Let me know A.S.A.P (as soon as possible).

Oh I nearly forgot, my mum said to ask you would you prefer baked beans or peas with your fish fingers and chips?

Cheers Ross

O.J.T

(Oliver James Trout)

Queen Elizabeth II

Dear Your Majesty The Queen,

I know most people probably Tweet you or write on your Facebook wall, but I thought I’d go the old fashioned route and write you a letter. Plus it will give you something to read on those lonely days at the palace. Actually maybe we could become pen pals, what do you reckon?

I haven’t seen you out and about waving much recently, is everything ok? I suspect you’re taking it easy after a busy year last year what with all the Olympic stuff and your Diamond Jubilee, or birthday as Will I am called it. Your face towards the end of those events, you looked well pissed off, mind you so would I if I had to listen to JLS live, it’s ok they won’t be bothering anyone anymore.

How are Philip and the family? Oh and not to mention the corgis? I take it they have all been registered now; they’re very strict about that these days.

Not a lot happening my end, recently split with my girlfriend but it’s a long story so I won’t go into that now. Other than that just work really and going out with my mates when I can, you know how it is.

So…….who do you think will win the Premier League next season? My money is on Chelsea, they've got the special one back now so they’re going to be a real threat. It should be a really interesting season, looking forward to it.

Anyway I’ll let you get on, but be sure to write back.

Yours Sincerely,

Ollie Trout

Roger Black Former Athlete

Dear Mr Black,

I think I was about 13 when I watched you in the Atlanta Olympic games back in 1996, you were running in the 400m final. I remember shouting at the television screen, “common Roger, you can do it Roger, go on my son…… oh never mind Roger, hey Silver is still good”. I don’t know why, but I remember it like it was yesterday.

Anyway I'm not sure what you’re doing these days but have you thought about giving acting a go? The reason I say this Roger (I presume it’s ok to call you Roger?) is I'm working on a sitcom called ‘Pot Kettle Black’ and I need the lead role to be someone famous with the surname Black. You’re the only one that springs to mind, apart from Cilla, who let’s face it is getting on a bit now and of course Jack Black, but I imagine he's busy with films and stuff. The plot will centre around you Roger Black running a coffee shop, high on cannabis, hence the name ‘Pot Kettle Black’. This all leads to hilarious consequences and juvenile mishaps.

So what do you reckon Roger? I think you can do it, you've just got to believe in yourself, don’t settle for second best….oops sorry. I've just got to write the whole thing and for it to be commissioned and we’re good to go.

Let me know

Cheers

Ollie Trout

(Amsterdam)

Lord Alan Sugar Business Magnate and Media Personality

Dear Lord Sugar,

I admire you as a man and wish that I could be more like you, not exactly like you because that’s just weird. I certainly wouldn't want to be in my sixties with grey balding hair ha-ha…….. You’re not laughing are you? I do mean of course your confidence, assertiveness and your ability to make important decisions Alan (May I call you Alan?).

The problem I've got Alan is that I struggle to be assertive and to make even the basic of decisions and it’s starting to get me down a bit. For instance at work I always seem to be the one who has to make the fruit salad, now I don’t mind handling a couple of melons from time to time but it would be nice if the job was shared between all of us.  I just get on with it though as I don’t like confrontation. As for decision making I can’t even decide what to have for dinner some nights and often don’t bother doing anything at all because by the time I have decided, I'm not hungry anymore. I even went on the show Red or Black but had to come home as I couldn't decide which colour to choose. It was so embarrassing.

If you could possibly give me some advice to help me with these problems it would be much appreciated. It’s up to you though you don’t have to if you don’t want to. Actually maybe we could meet for coffee next Wednesday or Thursday, not sure what is best but you decide and let me know. Also I have some ideas you might like for The Apprentice, how about when you fire someone you slap their face as well……..No that’s just stupid, don’t know why I even thought that was a good idea, sorry.

Kind Regards

Oliver Trout

(Head Chef) 

Amy Childs Star of the Only Way is Essex

Dear Miss Childs,                                

I always thought The Only Way Is Essex was television for stupid people and couldn't understand why everyone loved it so much. One day just to annoy myself I decided to watch an episode and slowly but surely found myself getting into it, one episode turned to two, three, four, etc. Then such was my fascination with these orange people I had to buy the box-set and I spent one whole day watching episode after episode. Before I knew it I was watching repeats and knew every character inside and out and in no time at all I was starting to abbreviate words and saying shut up in an elaborate way to anyone that would listen. By this point my mates had started to become distant towards me as all I wanted to do on a Saturday night was go to the Sugar Hut in Essex. At work I would use my lunch break to go and get a spray tan, it got so bad that I even got mistaken as one of the Indian lads that worked there. I'm ashamed to say this but I was so out of control that one day, god help me I went and got a vajazzle and I don’t even have a vagina!

Now I understand you have now left the show, but I was wondering if you were aware of TOWIE addiction. I suffered with this horrible illness for two years and had to battle pretty much by myself to beat it as I was laughed at by people and refused help by doctors. I want people to see that this is a serious addiction and can ruin lives, although I have now been clean for six months, there are thousands of other people who need help but are getting refused on the NHS.

I am doing a talk about this at the Sugar Hut on the 28^th of July and it would be Totes Amazeballs if you could come down and say a few words to support me (sorry I still have lapses). I want people to enjoy the show but not to take it too seriously and for it to consume their lives.

Hope to see you there, oh and bring your vajazzle kit.

Yours sincerely 

Ollie Essex

Marbella