Tinie Tempah Rapper

Dear Mr Tempah,         

I would like to say firstly, congratulations on your achievements so far in the music world. Unfortunately only one of your songs has made it onto my I-pod so far and that is Written in the Stars and to be honest I do skip it quite a lot now, but don’t be disheartened by that, it comes down to personal taste that’s all.

Now Tinie, (May I call you Tinie?) I'm not sure whether your name was supposed to reflect your personality in any way but I have it on good terms that you haven’t got a tiny temper at all and you are a very laid back, easy going guy. The reason I know this Tinie is that a friend of a friend’s husband’s cousin’s work colleague is a good mate of yours and has revealed that back in your school days you missed a bus you used to run for and instead of reacting angrily, you just patiently sat and waited for the next one to arrive. On another occasion when you found out you had got a record deal you said to your mate ‘let’s have a toast, celebration, get a glass out’, but your friend was unable to find any clean glasses and had to wash some up, but you didn't kick up at fuss, you just sat and waited calmly.

I know it’s none of my business and it’s probably too late to change your name now but I think instead of calling yourself Tinie Tempah you perhaps should have been named Large Patience, anyway no biggy.

All the best

Oliver Trout   

(Anger management counsellor)

Brian May Musician Singer and Songwriter

Dear Mr May, 

I am a great admirer of your work with Queen and all the great songs you have been involved with over the years, you've worked tremendously hard to get where you are, which is more than I can say for the actual Queen, I mean what has she contributed to music, absolutely bollox all is what. I can never understand people who just sit on their arse all day doing nothing and its decent, honest, hard-working people like me and you paying for it!! Learn to play an instrument or campaign to save badgers for fuck sake!!

The reason I write to you today Brian May (May I call you Brian May?) is that you have obviously been involved in music for years as we know and more recently have become involved with badgers, now you won’t believe this but I am an aspiring musician with a love of badgers, I have just finished an album called ‘Badger love’ which consists of songs just about badgers and I'm sure you’ll be very interested in hearing it, the track listing is as follows;

1. Badger me softly
2. When a man loves a badger
3. Tadger in my badger
4. I see you badger (shaking that arse)
5. It doesn't matter if your black and white
6. I want your badger
7. Wild thing
8. Too busy thinking about my badger
9. Prickly heat
10. Come back to me badger
11. Locked up for the love of a badger

Now I've only got one copy at the moment so I'm unable to send you one but as soon as I have a spare one I’ll send it to you, just try and be patient. Also if you’re interested in collaborating on new badger material in the future I'm more than happy to do so, I think with both of our musical talent we could produce something special.

I look forward to hearing from you Brian May.

O. Trout

(HM Prison High Down)