tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46944575035382182572024-02-02T05:11:33.656-08:00Celebrity PostbagHumorous, tongue in cheek letters, reviews and emails to celebrities and companiesOllie Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08462997782526897971noreply@blogger.comBlogger83125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4694457503538218257.post-18350178087711639632016-06-06T07:28:00.000-07:002016-06-06T07:29:27.454-07:00Sainsbury's - Supermarket<div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed" id="id_575585dc664c24901773847">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5GfPi4Qr8eSMky6PxSo7eSnAf-AfCGT1aU1acwolVg8IrCNj9ijcrSchVr-YPfa-Kqtcs5xM8kgUZ9663ZkuGMo4h3Lre9S0k-ziD_5vLV68C27uvmhgaR9FCfTIJRGAw61Nly_DKRcMK/s1600/images.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5GfPi4Qr8eSMky6PxSo7eSnAf-AfCGT1aU1acwolVg8IrCNj9ijcrSchVr-YPfa-Kqtcs5xM8kgUZ9663ZkuGMo4h3Lre9S0k-ziD_5vLV68C27uvmhgaR9FCfTIJRGAw61Nly_DKRcMK/s1600/images.png" /></a></div>
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Hi,<br />
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Around about 4 years ago I was in your Godalming branch with my then girlfriend picking up some ingredients for a nice Sunday dinner, after we got everything<span class="text_exposed_show"> we made our way to the self service checkout and proceeded to scan our goods. When I tried to put the corn fed chicken through though it didn't register but instead of try again or get help I popped it in the bag and off we went. I naturally felt a little guilty but that guilt soon to unbridled joy as I had what can only be described as the best Sunday roast I've ever had, whether that was down to the chicken being free I don't know. Afterwards I sat on the couch and basked in the glory of my heinous crime and eventually went to bed and forgot about it. </span><br />
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In the weeks and months that followed though, I began to feel more and more guilty about my actions. I thought about going back and confessing what I had done but I knew it was too late, this then led to paranoia where I believed the police were coming to get me, every time there was a knock at the door or the phone would ring I hide myself away. It got so bad that eventually I fled my home and went on the run, convinced I was being watched I slept rough for months and grew a beard, I wore a hat and sunglasses in public and changed my name from Oliver to Ollie. Eventually when it had all blown over I returned back but I had lost everything, my girlfriend, my job, my home and all for a free corn fed chicken.<br />
I felt the time was right to come clean and i appreciate the fact you my have to get the police involved but is there anyway i can just pay the £4.40 and we can forget about all this?<br />
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Kind regards <br />
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Ollie (was Oliver) Trout<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike></div>
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Ollie Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08462997782526897971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4694457503538218257.post-16261635619344246092016-06-06T07:15:00.000-07:002016-06-06T07:15:54.081-07:00Premier Inn - Hotel<div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed" id="id_5755838535b587433673760">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjz29uzt1Yy_6qqiY_6KdAyQTj6SEJgiJk_YpIM2DKYBHptxk8FZWKOaLDI94SJqMZ3t3WtkEf_XV9HqQxYCNhEaalPYEIjjgraoxA0BNhCUp71a3QYCiPhOfwTESOni0JONO6Y9M9p3R0y/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjz29uzt1Yy_6qqiY_6KdAyQTj6SEJgiJk_YpIM2DKYBHptxk8FZWKOaLDI94SJqMZ3t3WtkEf_XV9HqQxYCNhEaalPYEIjjgraoxA0BNhCUp71a3QYCiPhOfwTESOni0JONO6Y9M9p3R0y/s200/images.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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Hi,<br />
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I would like to make a serious point regarding my stay at Premier Inn Guildford back in January. I'm not sure if this is where you handle complaints but I t<span class="text_exposed_show">hought I'd post it up on here anyway.</span><br />
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During my one night stay I had no problem with the service, the food, or in fact the room but the thing that disappointed me was that not once was I told beforehand or during my stay that is not a good place to commit adultery. Whether that was down to the location, the constant emails about my booking, or the gossiping from staff as I kissed my lover in public I don't know but it is no coincidence that two days after my stay I was thrown out by my missus after she had followed me that night.<br />
I subsequently ended up with nothing and yes you may say it's my own fault but I feel like Premier Inn should take some responsibility.<br />
I'm not asking for a refund but I would like you to make it aware to people the dangers they face in being caught. Unfortunately due to my experience I will be taking my affairs elsewhere from now on.<br />
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Kind regards<br />
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Ollie Trout <br />
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P.S If indeed you do feel the need to give me a refund I am more than happy to discuss this with you further.<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike></div>
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Ollie Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08462997782526897971noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4694457503538218257.post-35533369232856284802016-06-06T06:39:00.000-07:002016-06-06T06:39:03.900-07:00Tasty - Food recipe site<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9S2SZnc46-BupTc21xlBicppPJh-J0yJS3BT6v9KqZTq9Zb5yADwJIcLDHRIQVMCXL3tgwitXTTLtoPr22Bv-gKAFLQ5gZsRKfDAQaQe5AAgGVqyq1jnF7V0JbE_FiRke42FaweE6qtve/s1600/untitled.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9S2SZnc46-BupTc21xlBicppPJh-J0yJS3BT6v9KqZTq9Zb5yADwJIcLDHRIQVMCXL3tgwitXTTLtoPr22Bv-gKAFLQ5gZsRKfDAQaQe5AAgGVqyq1jnF7V0JbE_FiRke42FaweE6qtve/s200/untitled.png" width="200" /></a></div>
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You're absolutely right when you say this is 'food that'll make you close your eyes, lean back and whisper yessssss' because i did exactly that when browsing through photos on your website. However I happen to be sitting on the edge of a cliff at the time and with a cracked vertebrae, two broken ribs and a fractured tibia i certainly wasn't whispering yesssssss at the time!! So be careful guys stay safe when browsing tasty. <br />
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Yours <br />
<br />
Ollie Trout<br />
The Buckland Hospital, Dover<br />
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><br />Ollie Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08462997782526897971noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4694457503538218257.post-29613367189600868152014-10-13T12:00:00.000-07:002014-10-13T12:00:04.667-07:00Sam Smith Singer/Songwriter<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b>Dear Mr Smith, <o:p></o:p></b></div>
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I would like to say firstly well done on your achievements so
far in the music world; it’s refreshing to see genuine talented artists such as
yourself do well in a business that has been riddled with manufactured pop
garbage such as One Direction. Having said that I do quite like that song they
did called ‘Best Song Ever’ and that other one wasn’t bad, I think it’s called
‘What Makes You Beautiful’ not to mention ‘Stories Of My Life’ and of course
who could forget ‘Live While We’re Young’ and Kiss You, especially live at the
O2…..I would imagine.</div>
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Anyway Sam (Do you mind if I call you Sam?) the reason I
write to you today is regarding your song Money on my mind, where you say you
don’t have money on your mind and you do it for the love. Now I’m pleased for
you Sam I really am but I’m in the complete opposite situation, I got money on
my mind all the time, trying to pay the rent each month and the gas bills just
gone up again. I can’t say I do it for the love either, I mean don’t get me wrong
Sam I don’t hate my job but to be frankly honest I wouldn’t be doing it if I
didn’t have to. </div>
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Now I’m not asking you for any money Sam as I’m not that
kind of guy but I did wonder if I could use you the basis of your song to make
a spoof music video? It will be called ‘Mummy on my mind’ and it will feature a
toddler enjoying himself at nursery, the playground etc, basically saying he
doesn’t have his mum on his mind because he’s having far too much fun. I’m
currently in the process of writing the lyrics and I really think it could be a
money spinner, what do you think?</div>
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Let me know Sam</div>
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Cheers</div>
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Oliver Trout</div>
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Kitchen Assistant</div>
Ollie Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08462997782526897971noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4694457503538218257.post-9664290937548433622014-09-22T12:04:00.000-07:002014-09-22T12:04:00.171-07:00Frank Skinner Comedian<div class="MsoNormal">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi34XRxTGkUVBVyyVafAK2dbEaQ3yLREzCEr3c3rLDetumsu7-1eyooK6eZ4jnEym4HyONEXPIb3HnWHlgEj55cG6cxoRSKb3ifM48pjXbb-egEeiry83yTY6hXoLsG3k69X1j8hAIitR36/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi34XRxTGkUVBVyyVafAK2dbEaQ3yLREzCEr3c3rLDetumsu7-1eyooK6eZ4jnEym4HyONEXPIb3HnWHlgEj55cG6cxoRSKb3ifM48pjXbb-egEeiry83yTY6hXoLsG3k69X1j8hAIitR36/s1600/images.jpg" height="102" width="200" /></a></div>
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<b>Dear Mr Skinner, </b><b> </b></div>
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<b><o:p></o:p></b></div>
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You have been making people laugh for a number of years now,
myself included and whenever I've been involved in a conversation about you for
whatever reason in the past I haven’t heard a bad word said, so well done on
that front Frank (Do you mind if I call you Frank?).</div>
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Having said all that Frank, I work in an old people’s home
as a Kitchen Assistant or Chef as I like to tell people and we listen to
Absolute radio most days, this is except on Saturday mornings when a few
members of the kitchen team object to listening to your show. I have confronted
them about this and the main reason is that you ramble on too much and not
enough music is played and that you are preferred on the TV rather than the
radio. </div>
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I do not share this opinion Frank and would obviously love
to be listening to your show, but unfortunately I miss out every week due to
the sense of humour failure of my fellow colleagues. This means every Saturday
I am forced to listen to repeats of 70’s dance classics and passenger ‘let her
go’ on Heart radio and quite frankly Frank I've had enough.</div>
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If there is anyway you could help me out Frank by maybe
sending out a message to the kitchen crew at Sunrise senior living in
Guildford, perhaps asking them to listen to your show even if it’s for one
week…… wait a minute I just thought we won’t even be tuned in to hear the
message because will be listening to fucking Toby Anstis on
Heart, oh forget it! </div>
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Cheers Anyway</div>
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Oliver Trout</div>
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(Chef)</div>
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Ollie Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08462997782526897971noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4694457503538218257.post-8041479306971190802014-07-08T03:49:00.000-07:002014-07-08T03:49:53.178-07:00Roy Hodgson England Manager<div class="MsoNormal">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9ogWxBorumHu_8g6-dqfb7j0q9mAlnhqrBGwJFc1fTT9YkeK6VlKnacRUd1NxLIr1FN8BDfWzu00reKAnQT9PSwAiK-5Ms1q5uQ-FdPJgoOt1E1bSFEXYIXutpzrND5v6__tH4mrUeVeS/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9ogWxBorumHu_8g6-dqfb7j0q9mAlnhqrBGwJFc1fTT9YkeK6VlKnacRUd1NxLIr1FN8BDfWzu00reKAnQT9PSwAiK-5Ms1q5uQ-FdPJgoOt1E1bSFEXYIXutpzrND5v6__tH4mrUeVeS/s1600/images.jpg" height="135" width="200" /></a></div>
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<b>Dear Mr Hodgson, </b></div>
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I know everyone is quick to question where you went wrong
and what team you should have played etc etc but I’m not going to jump on that
bandwagon today Roy (Do you mind if I call you Roy?). However I would like to
suggest if I may what line up you should go for on the plane home.</div>
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I think you should go with three up top, say <st1:city w:st="on">Sterling</st1:city>, Sturridge and
Rooney, with Rooney in the middle as an experienced flyer can settle the nerves
of the other two not so experienced flyers. Behind them I think you should have
the three Liverpool players Gerrard, Henderson and Johnson, they all know each
other well so it will be good banter, I think Gerrard given his age should be
on the aisle seat as he may need to go to toilet more than the others, better
keep a check on Johnson as he may be caught sleeping quite a lot. Then I’d go
with Baines, Jageilka and Lampard, this I would imagine will be an intelligent
well behaved group, with plenty of reading taking place, I would have put
Cahill next to Jageilka but I really don’t think they sit well together. The
rest Roy I would trust your instincts on, although I would give Alex Oxlade
Chamberlain plenty of leg room given the injury, maybe stick him next to Fraser
Forster as the two players that didn’t feature in the world cup and they can
muse about how if they played things would have been different.</div>
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Anyway <st1:city w:st="on">Roy</st1:city>,
it’s up to you at the end of the day, it’s not like you’ve let anyone down so
far.</div>
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Safe journey</div>
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Oliver Trout</div>
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Ollie Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08462997782526897971noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4694457503538218257.post-24913564245674523442014-04-28T07:46:00.000-07:002014-04-28T07:46:28.805-07:00David Moyes Former Manchester United Manager<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1vwtSHcANy29_xOuTfAwQ-8yTU7DJB38RYrD1gmoIovGyrZMGOBQj75UaRg1MJQHx6C4pIBCbXuAWsM5KCuGhzhZo-a7cbrtpJDse25s-qRzmhKlEz4js1Zq6favpr7n9G1RmbFZO1Yjp/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1vwtSHcANy29_xOuTfAwQ-8yTU7DJB38RYrD1gmoIovGyrZMGOBQj75UaRg1MJQHx6C4pIBCbXuAWsM5KCuGhzhZo-a7cbrtpJDse25s-qRzmhKlEz4js1Zq6favpr7n9G1RmbFZO1Yjp/s1600/images.jpg" height="149" width="200" /></a></div>
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<b>Dear Mr Moyes, <o:p></o:p></b></div>
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I know you have had a difficult time of it recently what
with the sacking and the constant media attention, not to mention everyone
having their opinions and taking the Mickey, you must feel so trapped. I think
first and foremost you should get away for a bit and clear your head, The Sun
newspaper are doing their £15 holidays again so might be worth collecting the
tokens for that, best to stay away from the back pages though.</div>
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Now the reason I write to you today David (Do you mind me calling
you David?) is not to go on about what happened but perhaps help you to build
for the future and come back stronger after this humiliation. Around 5 years
ago my mate Barry was offered a senior management role at the local Co-op, when
the long serving successful manager before retired after 25 years. Baz had
worked his way up from being a checkout assistant and the former boss saw
potential in him and offered him the reigns. Unfortunately for Bazza it all
went tits up, profits fell, staffing levels dropped and eventually he was shown
the door after just 8 months in charge. But David, despite his wife and kids
leaving him, losing his family home and being diagnosed with depression, Barry
after 4 and a half years of hell has recently returned to work and has a job
working part-time at the local Greengrocers and after not going out of the
house for years, he is now socialising at the Wetherspoons in Godalming where
he chats to anyone that will listen. </div>
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So I guess what I'm saying is David, if Bazza can get back
on his feet again, so can you.</div>
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Chin up </div>
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Oliver Trout</div>
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(Wetherspoons Godalming)</div>
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Ollie Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08462997782526897971noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4694457503538218257.post-1552314644460353122014-04-08T07:36:00.000-07:002014-04-08T07:37:33.871-07:00Tinie Tempah Rapper<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b>Dear Mr Tempah, </b></div>
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I would like to say firstly, congratulations on your
achievements so far in the music world. Unfortunately only one of your songs
has made it onto my I-pod so far and that is Written in the Stars and to be
honest I do skip it quite a lot now, but don’t be disheartened by that, it
comes down to personal taste that’s all. </div>
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Now Tinie, (May I call you Tinie?) I'm not sure whether your
name was supposed to reflect your personality in any way but I have it on good
terms that you haven’t got a tiny temper at all and you are a very laid back,
easy going guy. The reason I know this Tinie is that a friend of a friend’s
husband’s cousin’s work colleague is a good mate of yours and has revealed that
back in your school days you missed a bus you used to run for and instead of
reacting angrily, you just patiently sat and waited for the next one to arrive.
On another occasion when you found out you had got a record deal you said to
your mate ‘let’s have a toast, celebration, get a glass out’, but your friend was
unable to find any clean glasses and had to wash some up, but you didn't kick
up at fuss, you just sat and waited calmly. </div>
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I know it’s none of my business and it’s probably too late
to change your name now but I think instead of calling yourself Tinie Tempah
you perhaps should have been named Large Patience, anyway no biggy.</div>
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All the best</div>
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Oliver Trout </div>
(Anger management counsellor)Ollie Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08462997782526897971noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4694457503538218257.post-52871751311530065362014-04-07T04:02:00.001-07:002014-04-07T04:02:26.442-07:00Richard Ayoade Actor and Comedian<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjYstYjg-GWM1mlloNJ2NTWl2QQxRjsA9WDHM1ofEg1seJZc0x9jnFi4tlNNMlnc0iDZY66dAYlSHjzS9k6xzelSdJS9W1ppLCEr1EGCHCLm4ALQ4zV2CHws8KZW8ANep-Qo4zlTXmxmRl/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjYstYjg-GWM1mlloNJ2NTWl2QQxRjsA9WDHM1ofEg1seJZc0x9jnFi4tlNNMlnc0iDZY66dAYlSHjzS9k6xzelSdJS9W1ppLCEr1EGCHCLm4ALQ4zV2CHws8KZW8ANep-Qo4zlTXmxmRl/s1600/images.jpg" height="200" width="137" /></a></div>
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<b>Dear Mr Ayoade, <o:p></o:p></b></div>
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Having watched you for sometime now, that is through my
television and not from a bush in your back garden, I have concluded that you
are indeed a very funny man and I would firstly like to say well done on that
Richard (Do you mind me calling you Richard?).</div>
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Now Richard I am an extremely funny man myself and I do mean
extremely, just ask my Nepalese friend TJ, he thinks I'm hilarious, he doesn't
speak much English but he gets it. Everyone at work thinks I'm funny too, they
think I'm so funny that they don’t invite me on nights out with them as they
feel I may spoil it by making them laugh too much, which I guess is
understandable. The problem with being funny Richard and you have no doubt
encountered this, is that no one ever takes you seriously even when you are
trying to be, also I wondered if when you have passed on compliment to a lady..... or a
man, whatever you’re into, they automatically think you’re being sarcastic.</div>
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I’d love to get together with you and discuss these issues
and how we got to be so bloody funny. I am free most days except the 22<sup>nd</sup>
May when I’ll be visiting my 90 year-old Grandmother.</div>
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I look forward to hearing from you,</div>
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Oliver Trout</div>
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Kitchen Assistant</div>
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P.S This is a serious letter by the way, or is it…… </div>
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Ollie Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08462997782526897971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4694457503538218257.post-83617923630916966492014-03-14T03:54:00.000-07:002014-03-14T03:54:18.154-07:00Mary Berry Food Writer and Television Presenter<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuG4kUkmWEunKEJk_dgtfzAX7fdFKJaws5qSOfAKNE6RXg-1LaRv2NvQ26TmSWu5q0rmfXQhN7jAeMzAx8A4pSmgamGYPpSN51FYJr0zOQrmxL03BPWw6L_D6MIHHvD9Za_ewQRVB5dXYY/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuG4kUkmWEunKEJk_dgtfzAX7fdFKJaws5qSOfAKNE6RXg-1LaRv2NvQ26TmSWu5q0rmfXQhN7jAeMzAx8A4pSmgamGYPpSN51FYJr0zOQrmxL03BPWw6L_D6MIHHvD9Za_ewQRVB5dXYY/s1600/images.jpg" height="200" width="149" /></a></div>
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<b>Dear Mrs <st1:state w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Berry</st1:place></st1:state>, <o:p></o:p></b></div>
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I have never watched the Great British bake off as it’s not
really my cup of tea and cake, but I know people who have and they tell me how
good it is and how they admire your input on the show, so keep up the good work
Mary (May I call you Mary?).</div>
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The reason I write to you today Mary is that we are having
our own bake off competition at work on Tuesday week and wondered if you would
be kind enough to judge it for us. I know you’re probably very busy cooking and
you’ll have stuff in the oven and that, but if you don’t ask you don’t get.</div>
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We are Sunrise Senior Living an elderly people’s home in
Peasmarsh near <st1:place w:st="on">Guildford</st1:place>, so if you do come
along, we might be able to sort out some kind of discount on a room for you.</div>
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Look forward to hearing from you.</div>
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Ollie Trout</div>
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Pastry Chef</div>
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Ollie Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08462997782526897971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4694457503538218257.post-37209725479483423932014-02-25T09:11:00.000-08:002014-03-03T07:45:54.543-08:00Michael J Fox American Actor<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSQDWFvRWJyFFR5NIgZWmGSymwwUrOTN2dAejJYNwp_duVtcz8hFfA_su6v2AfJriJvdLWs5dhSbXBG7GEFfnm_rfOLeaYQnyyLamPmy3CZMA_ip3Nn6bbyiGgOMDiG4AHM3pt31QsOuIa/s1600/download+(17).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSQDWFvRWJyFFR5NIgZWmGSymwwUrOTN2dAejJYNwp_duVtcz8hFfA_su6v2AfJriJvdLWs5dhSbXBG7GEFfnm_rfOLeaYQnyyLamPmy3CZMA_ip3Nn6bbyiGgOMDiG4AHM3pt31QsOuIa/s1600/download+(17).jpg" height="200" width="135" /></a></div>
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<b>Dear Mr Fox, <o:p></o:p></b></div>
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I am writing to you today on my computer in my flat whilst
eating a massive bag of BBQ beef flavoured Big Hoops, which if you don’t know
are delicious, succulent potato rings, not sure if you have these in America
but if you're ever passing through this country, do pick up a bag, you won't be disappointed Michael (Sorry you don’t mind if I call you
Michael do you?). Now you are of course a very well known, established actor
who shot to fame in the eighties and have gone on to star in many films over
the years, none of which I have actually seen but I hear you were very good so
well done.</div>
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Now you’re probably thinking to yourself well he must have
seen the Back to the Future films, everyone has seen the Back to the Future
films! Well Michael you’re the first person I've told this to but I have never
seen any of them and to tell you the truth I've been living a lie. I have
always just pretended I have for an easy life and no one has ever really
questioned me on it, but I thought now is the time to come clean. It’s not that
I don’t want to watch them but I am one of those people, who if everybody is
banging on about how good something is and that you must watch it I have to do
the opposite and not watch it, if that makes sense. </div>
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Anyway in the not too distant past I will attempt to watch
all the Back to the Future films front to back, starting obviously with the
third following on to the first, to my knowledge I think they are showing them
on a channel called Yesterday on Sky tomorrow so I will sit down in a couple of
weeks and watch it. I have already sent a follow up letter letting you know
what I thought of them which you may have already received in a few months
time.</div>
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All the best Michael I look forward to hearing from you.</div>
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O. Trout </div>
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(Former member of the Back to the Future fan club)</div>
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Ollie Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08462997782526897971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4694457503538218257.post-77093417892825422112014-02-12T08:33:00.002-08:002014-02-12T08:35:04.842-08:00Maureen Lipman Film Theatre and Television Actress<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOmacwBtikkyEKTY6nKS8pIHsVqz2h046FwT3Rs5uiQjJ5OkU1qYSJAgy4AzRPgq_8NDM7bcHYLyg6vzgzvYisd9fckOpeM_3dme-N35quSIljTHEdQZ1QdGvCu3yJIhdtkWKiyJU0jw76/s1600/download+(16).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOmacwBtikkyEKTY6nKS8pIHsVqz2h046FwT3Rs5uiQjJ5OkU1qYSJAgy4AzRPgq_8NDM7bcHYLyg6vzgzvYisd9fckOpeM_3dme-N35quSIljTHEdQZ1QdGvCu3yJIhdtkWKiyJU0jw76/s1600/download+(16).jpg" height="133" width="200" /></a></div>
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<b>Dear Mrs Lipman, <o:p></o:p></b></div>
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Going back around 6 or 7 years ago now I was doing numerous
jobs through an agency, one night I got work as one of the security team at the Duchess Theatre in Westminster, where
you were starring in a show. I'm not sure to this day why I was put forward for
security because I'm about as intimidating as a bowl of fruit, but luckily once
we had got everyone to their seats it was a right doss and I managed to watch quite a bit of
the play. You of course were the star of the show and put in a sterling
performance, not that I remember what it was called or what it was about but
let’s just say you did.</div>
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Anyway at the end of the night I was asked to man the door
in which you and the other actors and actresses were leaving from. The boss of
the security team said to me I must turn the radio on my walkie talkie right
down when you were walking past, unfortunately I forgot about this instruction
and left my radio turned up to the maximum and as you came past to leave, a
conversation was taking place on the radio really loudly and I struggled to
turn it down quickly. All credit to you though Maureen (Don’t mind if I call
you Maureen do you?) you didn't let it bother you and you smiled and said
goodbye, which is testament to the woman you are so I thank you for that. </div>
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Actually wait a minute I don’t ever remember getting paid
for that night’s work so did you grass me up Maureen or what? Just tell me the
truth I won’t get mad about it I just want you to be honest, we’re both adults
here!</div>
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I look forward to hearing from you.</div>
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O. Trout</div>
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(Head of security Godalming Bridge Club)<b><o:p></o:p></b></div>
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Ollie Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08462997782526897971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4694457503538218257.post-59790000875433128582014-02-04T07:28:00.000-08:002014-02-04T07:28:07.295-08:00Fernando Torres Footballer<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrUfkqNLYqmJoTAqfsCVc7Wu3300-_ZVURxpP2QWhtC8vKyDXB6BbdNkg2b0SNTULsOrHRwVB4LpB3IZcEAiSUs6daCtSUKec4nOmM6Ty_cipZDJujcrgg4437ij6JdNLf8RhBdqgOJChv/s1600/torres2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrUfkqNLYqmJoTAqfsCVc7Wu3300-_ZVURxpP2QWhtC8vKyDXB6BbdNkg2b0SNTULsOrHRwVB4LpB3IZcEAiSUs6daCtSUKec4nOmM6Ty_cipZDJujcrgg4437ij6JdNLf8RhBdqgOJChv/s1600/torres2.jpg" height="133" width="200" /></a></div>
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<b>Dear Mr Torres, <o:p></o:p></b></div>
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My nephew is a huge football fan and you are his favourite
player, he has all your posters on his wall and he knows so much about you.
Even things like apparently your mother and father were big fans of Swedish pop
group Abba and you are named after their favourite song ‘Fernando’. Also you
don’t like Tapas and prefer more traditional English foods such as Pizza, Curry
and Chinese and when you were young you were apparently playing football in
your garden and a broke a neighbours greenhouse six doors down on the left. </div>
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The real reason he idolises you though Fernando (I presume
it’s ok to call you Fernando?) is through your football. He has been playing
for his local club for around 4 years now and plays as a centre forward just
like you. He’s watched your game intently over the last few seasons and wants
to play just like you and with 3 goals in 68 appearances he’s doing a grand
job. </div>
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All the best </div>
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O. Trout </div>
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(Former manager of Godalming Colts Under 13’s)</div>
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Ollie Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08462997782526897971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4694457503538218257.post-77097634752570317662014-02-04T05:43:00.002-08:002014-02-04T05:45:16.042-08:00Nigella Lawson Journalist Broadcaster Television Chef<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFk4vINlKHi4pBnCmSXOvqjIP_1Afsk1IQrrNPxjgejsNgQBIj85GNVsf18jkE1mr8iq7GKRBvtFuFFUglKB0VmRrSXcR4F2sZDW762nRU43HAb864GHQCTyORBNJJM-f6ZKMVFXBS9EAH/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFk4vINlKHi4pBnCmSXOvqjIP_1Afsk1IQrrNPxjgejsNgQBIj85GNVsf18jkE1mr8iq7GKRBvtFuFFUglKB0VmRrSXcR4F2sZDW762nRU43HAb864GHQCTyORBNJJM-f6ZKMVFXBS9EAH/s1600/images.jpg" height="200" width="148" /></a></div>
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<b>Dear Mrs Lawson, </b></div>
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I know you have been in the news a lot recently for all the wrong
reasons and people are quick to judge you and put you down, but I'm not going
to jump on that bandwagon today Nigella (Do you mind if I call you Nigella?)
because I think you are a proper MILF.<br />
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So Nigella I love to cook and often have friends over for a
dinner parties and I like to think I have a good skill when it comes to this
area, my friends certainly think so and never tire in telling me how delicious
my food is. Not only this but I also like to have fun with my menus and often
have a play on words much to the amusement of my friends who by the way think
I'm hilarious. Now Nigella I have some friends coming over again this week and
I have done my menu theme about you in a dedication to your work and I thought
I’d do you the honour in showing you. I hope you enjoy Nigella.</div>
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<b><u>Starter</u></b></div>
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<b> </b>Arti ‘choke’ hearts</div>
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Or</div>
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Class A sparagus soup</div>
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<b><u>Main course<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
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Steak and Betrayale
pie served with snort-eed potatoes</div>
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Or</div>
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Strangled neck of
lamb served with ‘mashed’ potato</div>
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<b><u>Dessert<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
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Chocolate affairs</div>
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Or</div>
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Fruit cake</div>
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Kind regards,</div>
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O.Trout</div>
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Ollie Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08462997782526897971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4694457503538218257.post-7670020722932263512014-02-03T04:07:00.000-08:002014-02-03T04:07:06.799-08:00Noel Edmonds Broadcaster Presenter<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSdUSDy8CKbnjkNzskCzRlP3NxWc5CAP7N-op_QViia4hjdiUEHGGuPPFO9LZDwfMJrsI09XEuaBepz0Nr_WhR2swNhtD31xyREYKP7-dNNsVfWF8zK8c9bNgN-3V-tB9kPjeU8OAI1F2e/s1600/images+(100).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSdUSDy8CKbnjkNzskCzRlP3NxWc5CAP7N-op_QViia4hjdiUEHGGuPPFO9LZDwfMJrsI09XEuaBepz0Nr_WhR2swNhtD31xyREYKP7-dNNsVfWF8zK8c9bNgN-3V-tB9kPjeU8OAI1F2e/s1600/images+(100).jpg" height="200" width="174" /></a></div>
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<b>Dear Mr Edmonds, <o:p></o:p></b></div>
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I remember watching your show Noel’s House Party when I was
younger and I used to think to myself I hope I get invited to a house party
when I'm older it looks like so much fun, little did I know that this was all a
smokescreen and when I did eventually start going to house parties, not once
did I see a big pink clumsy figure with yellow spots and jiggling eyes shouting
blobby and bumping into things, it just consisted of excessive drinking, drugs,
sex in someone else’s mum’s bed, fag burns in the carpet, uninvited guests and complaints
from the neighbours. Now as much as all of that was enjoyable Noel (Do you mind
me calling you Noel?) Some of these things could have been added to the show in
order for youngsters like me back then to prepare for what a house party was
really like. Anyway it’s no biggie Noel not to worry about it now.</div>
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The real reason I write to you today Noel is that I have
started seeing this girl, who by the way is absolutely gorgeous looking,
fantastic body and is 23 and I'm 31, but that is beside the point. She told me
recently that you and her dad look very similar, the problem is I was unable to
tell if you do look alike as he doesn't have your big hair, so If you were to
have it cut short but keep the beard so I can see the resemblance, I in
turn will send you 5 pounds sterling. Deal or no deal?</div>
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Yours sincerely</div>
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O. Trout</div>
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(Someone else’s mum’s bed) </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Ollie Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08462997782526897971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4694457503538218257.post-87423514817236165832014-01-23T07:30:00.000-08:002014-01-23T07:30:54.890-08:00Dynamo Magician <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVsbOMZQNILz5O54fdxKECVJf_r43HFf5flRqKajp75aZARq3eJ1b9xftCwOBa2il2_7PnymjH5gu43Zzn_FwanRJP-FXKCiQNPjmif6WD5_wJwClEA2z_mCuNYhVMTHOoSoBRlTpkP6pc/s1600/images+(99).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVsbOMZQNILz5O54fdxKECVJf_r43HFf5flRqKajp75aZARq3eJ1b9xftCwOBa2il2_7PnymjH5gu43Zzn_FwanRJP-FXKCiQNPjmif6WD5_wJwClEA2z_mCuNYhVMTHOoSoBRlTpkP6pc/s1600/images+(99).jpg" height="200" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Dear Dynamo, </b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I really love all that magic stuff you do and I am often
left in awe when watching your programmes. You make Paul Daniels look like a
bit of dick now when seeing some of the tricks you do. It’s almost fitting as
well that with your name being Dynamo that you would become a magician or some
kind of entertainer. That time you walked on water was quite incredible, people
always bang on about that Jesus guy doing it, but I never saw any evidence,
least you actually got yours on film. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now after seeing you perform I thought I would give a magic
a go and started an evening course ‘magic for beginners’, after a few weeks I
thought I was getting somewhere until one night I was performing an act in
which I had to have my eyes shut, when I opened them everyone including the
teacher had disappeared. I subsequently lost my confidence in the whole thing
and decided it just wasn't for me. It didn't help that my name is Ollie Trout,
it just doesn't have that magical appeal like Dynamo.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One thing I have perfected and would like to thank you for
is that walk away thing you do at the end of performing your act, where people
are left wondering where you've gone. I do get accused of being quite rude
though as I often leave conversations before they've finished.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All the best</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ollie Trout</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(Kitchen Assistant)</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Ollie Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08462997782526897971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4694457503538218257.post-53996847757801290902014-01-13T04:50:00.000-08:002014-01-13T07:37:01.037-08:00Paddy Mcguinness Television Presenter and Comedy Actor<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEeZAKm3iOEGJr0EUefQmcuM_My6G7ETQS-UO4m8vEVZcrhlXOTVokzmXuH39c5qGjts9cWptkqSI7GMOg1eOameVk97eg_J55M8Zlc9MHuyMvL0DY2HPMez8qkvz3iNY5Kz_rnXKr7dvK/s1600/images+(98).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEeZAKm3iOEGJr0EUefQmcuM_My6G7ETQS-UO4m8vEVZcrhlXOTVokzmXuH39c5qGjts9cWptkqSI7GMOg1eOameVk97eg_J55M8Zlc9MHuyMvL0DY2HPMez8qkvz3iNY5Kz_rnXKr7dvK/s200/images+(98).jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Dear Mr Mcguinness, <o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You have been around for some time now and have enjoyed a
successful career, most notably in the early days for your work with Peter Kay,
starring in the great Phoenix Nights and of course Max and Paddy’s Road to
Nowhere, not to mention a bit of stand up on the way. The thing that slightly
concerns me Paddy (You’re ok with me calling you Paddy right?) is that after
all this you’re probably only going to be remembered for saying ‘No lighty no
likey’ on your dating show Take me out and having worked in an old people’s
home for a few years now it sounds like something the residents shout when
they’re starting to lose their marbles. Haha I can actually imagine you in your
last days shouting that to the nurses.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anyway going back to Take me out, I was wondering if I could
take part in your show, I am a 30 year-old single male 5ft 10” brown hair blue
eyes and a dick head. I'm seeking to find women who are either shallow,
desperate, stupid or annoying but fit. I have been single for nearly a year now
and I struggle to find these sorts of girls when I’m out with my friends who
are also dick heads. I feel like your show would be perfect for me to have a
cheeky fling and a holiday but who knows maybe something more. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am also excellent in making a tit out of myself in front
of women and have a good example of this back in 2001. I was on holiday with my
friends in Magaluf and one evening unbeknown to me my friends put me forward
for some man contest on a stage in front of hundreds of people, if I remember
correctly there were around 8 guys and we had to do some challenge and the
weakest in each round would get voted off until an eventual winner was crowned.
I somehow managed to get through the first round which was to down a pint, now
I am shit at that but some other guy was worse and got voted off. The next
round was to reveal a chat up line to the lady hosting the event, no problem I
thought as I’d remembered a good one I’d heard some years back, but to my
horror the guy before me said my chat up line and it was met with lots of
laughs. Now it was my turn and I had nothing to say and in my complete panic
just said ‘show me your fuck face’ the lady looked at me in shame repeated it
out to the crowd and it was met with a stunned silence, needless to say I was
voted off and I trudged off stage with my tail between my legs. Not suggesting
I have a tail Paddy but you know what I mean.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After this embarrassing incident nothing really fazes me so
I think I would be a great candidate for your show. Also the ironic thing is I once worked as a light fitter in my local town and if people didn't’t like us we wouldn't put their lights up so that could get a special mention on the show too. I look
forward to your response Paddy.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All the best</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
O. Trout<br />
<br />
<br />Ollie Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08462997782526897971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4694457503538218257.post-32100131090399835212013-12-19T05:31:00.002-08:002013-12-23T02:00:30.907-08:00Olly Murs Singer Songwriter<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhVJpkFFtr2TsthWwQ3q9Bto_m-rmyMselRBXWcaNUwVZ0-XrBBh52baozxCREooWvlnbwbGuz4jZfhKaR_zccA5zb70hVjncJylsFY0Mu6hTtTbQdRjR4Ep30HNM4sxe48Q797jPmEdzP/s1600/images+(97).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="178" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhVJpkFFtr2TsthWwQ3q9Bto_m-rmyMselRBXWcaNUwVZ0-XrBBh52baozxCREooWvlnbwbGuz4jZfhKaR_zccA5zb70hVjncJylsFY0Mu6hTtTbQdRjR4Ep30HNM4sxe48Q797jPmEdzP/s200/images+(97).jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Dear Mr Murs, <o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I assume by your fairly recent song Dear Darlin that you
prefer to be contacted in letter form, which is surprising and somewhat
refreshing to see given the current social media frenzy we now live in.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Having said that Olly (You’re cool with me calling you
Olly right?) regarding the song, I don’t really know why you didn't just call,
arrange to meet and tell her face to face that you miss her. It seems a very
long drawn out process for you to write a letter telling her, especially with
the postal service the way it is these days, how would you know she got the
letter ok. Why not a Facebook message or What’s App least you know if she had
seen it or not and then if she doesn't reply you can start to move on
properly. You did mention that it was short and sweet so maybe there’s a reason
for that, but at the end of the day no one knows what you went through so I
can’t interfere too much.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sorry to go on but I do have another query Olly, if your
hands were shaking so much why were you trying to write you silly Billy! I
understand you want to get this letter done and sent off but at least wait and
until you've calmed down a bit. A badly written letter in my opinion just shows
that not a lot of effort has been put in. If your hands were in fact shaking
due to the fact you have an early case of Parkinson’s disease then I apologise
wholeheartedly.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All the best</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
O. Trout</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
(Royal Mail)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Ollie Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08462997782526897971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4694457503538218257.post-37417353919094981512013-12-10T05:12:00.000-08:002013-12-10T05:12:56.729-08:00Tom Daley Professional Diver <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjY4RvhP3cHZpNqVBJhyQDj7I32Hae5CvZ3jLq_bFltrcQQSBPRmtY4EESHyY8J46In95sibBQHSM-78abZ-zGsez6atQi8MC9sRW1r0oJo3cdC8UqNesp-V9_VHmI0guYpP5nU7hDCk_fv/s1600/download+(15).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjY4RvhP3cHZpNqVBJhyQDj7I32Hae5CvZ3jLq_bFltrcQQSBPRmtY4EESHyY8J46In95sibBQHSM-78abZ-zGsez6atQi8MC9sRW1r0oJo3cdC8UqNesp-V9_VHmI0guYpP5nU7hDCk_fv/s200/download+(15).jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Dear Mr Daley, <o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I just want to say firstly for you to come out as a
homosexual on a Youtube video really must have taken a lot of courage to do, so
I commend you for that. It did come as little surprise to me though Tom (Don’t
mind if I call you Tom do you?) as it was my understanding, correct me if I'm
wrong that you had to be gay to be involved in the professional sport of diving?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I would also like to add my input regarding the video
itself, as much as it must have been difficult for you to do and with it being
a serious subject, I do think on the whole it lacked creativity and humour. I
think Tom to make it funnier you could have had your boyfriend bring you
breakfast in bed halfway through with a pink thong on, or maybe had posters of
half naked men up on your wall in the background just to make people aware
before you got to the point. Another scenario could have had your mum or a
member of your family interrupting halfway through and saying ‘You’re are gay!
When were you planning on telling me’ or something like that, but what really
would have made it for me would have been if you had done the whole video
dressed like Daffyd from Little Britain, honestly it would have been hilarious.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Look I understand this was a sensitive subject and on the whole
you delivered it very well but I'm a firm believer that humour in any situation
makes everything better, with the exception of a funeral maybe, probably best
to wait until after the service for any jokes about the deceased, you don’t
want to be in that situation believe me. I guess what I'm saying is if you
can’t laugh at yourself eh Tom. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All the best</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
O. Trout</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Ollie Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08462997782526897971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4694457503538218257.post-7571416592019322402013-12-03T07:15:00.000-08:002013-12-10T05:21:39.791-08:00Anne Robinson Television Presenter and Journalist<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdhkili_o1j71jfvfRF6DFY3tcrbCJMwLT6j_F6k6D9hK-5JjrcJ3UfsAFmw7FieBR218MJD0pHk5pmoAfhyxVVLH2KBHsw5ioXdI1qRc38AkWex8-H96ykUkiGZO0EfXKbmGqxtOuLThk/s1600/images+(96).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="136" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdhkili_o1j71jfvfRF6DFY3tcrbCJMwLT6j_F6k6D9hK-5JjrcJ3UfsAFmw7FieBR218MJD0pHk5pmoAfhyxVVLH2KBHsw5ioXdI1qRc38AkWex8-H96ykUkiGZO0EfXKbmGqxtOuLThk/s200/images+(96).jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Dear Mrs Robinson,</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was round visiting my 90 year-old Grandmother the other
day and after I’d eaten her out of biscuits we decided to watch a bit of TV, we
came across your show The Weakest Link, now either of us had seen it before but
thought we’d give it a go as there was nothing else on, plus who doesn't like a
nice friendly early evening quiz show to lighten the mood.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the hour that followed we were utterly appalled at the
way you spoke to the contestants on the show, how on earth the BBC allow this
to be aired is beyond me. My Grandmother and I couldn't believe what we were
seeing. You asked the contestants to introduce themselves and then you just
ridiculed them about their occupation and appearance, amongst other things. Yes
some of them were tossers but you as a host of a prime time quiz show should
have been more mature in letting it slide. Then when one of them got a question
wrong you absolutely slaughtered them, I mean that’s hardly going to give them
confidence for the next round of questions. Then just when we thought you
couldn't be any more vicious, when one of the contestants was voted out you
just said ‘you are the weakest link goodbye’. There was none of this hard luck,
you did really well and thanks for being on the show!! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now I have already sent a strongly worded letter to points
of view about this but I am so disgusted that I thought I’d write to you
directly. I very much doubt I will get a reply as you don’t seem a particularly
nice person Anne (I'm calling you Anne whether you like it or not). I have to
say my Grandmother did make a good point when she said; how would she like it
if someone was to call her a shrivelled up ginger, botox induced cunt with a face
like a hippo’s arse and she’s right how would you like it Anne?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yours sincerely,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
O. Trout</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
Ollie Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08462997782526897971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4694457503538218257.post-20911730857115906552013-12-02T07:22:00.000-08:002013-12-02T07:22:16.933-08:00Mark Foster Ex British Swimmer<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9eyVlr7xW_zxbsccHdBo7v51acaTXtq_rZKKoZ2P1A7ZqPZlA0oTKnEc-aXuDYEFHCbi5uPKM_PzDOwH_isEVQnJVypK0kW79tDDOTDiH8d0jdA-xkMtfDiXnBGc1TWo78P0yORmA12zH/s1600/images+(95).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9eyVlr7xW_zxbsccHdBo7v51acaTXtq_rZKKoZ2P1A7ZqPZlA0oTKnEc-aXuDYEFHCbi5uPKM_PzDOwH_isEVQnJVypK0kW79tDDOTDiH8d0jdA-xkMtfDiXnBGc1TWo78P0yORmA12zH/s200/images+(95).jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Dear Mr Foster, </b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have just found out recently that we are in fact related.
I've always admired you as a sportsman so I'm delighted to get this news. I was
also a good a swimmer when I was young so there must be something in the blood,
unfortunately I had to stop because the training at the club used to clash with
my paper round job. Anyway it’s a shame I didn't know you was my nan’s cousin’s
grandson before as we could have arranged a family get together or something.
Having said that Mark (I presume it’s ok to call you Mark?) if you haven’t any
plans for Christmas yet, you’re more than welcome to join us round my mum’s
house in Chessington. As you’re family I imagine you also have a <st1:country-region w:st="on">Turkey</st1:country-region> dinner
and a few drinks, so it will be nothing out of the ordinary for you.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I'm guessing you are thinking I better bring a few presents
or something but honestly Mark I don’t want anything much, I’ll leave a little
list below just in case though. Let me know what you’re up to and we’ll arrange
times and stuff.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>My Christmas list<o:p></o:p></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
New Audi A7 Sportback RS7 (not too bothered about colour but
would prefer silver).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Armani Collezioni classic <st1:place w:st="on">Cashmere</st1:place>
slim fit coat (Try House of Frazer).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
New watch- Anything by Rolex really, maybe The Oyster
Perpetual 42 mm White Gold Sky-Dweller with two time zones and innovative
annual calendar, but not too fussed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All expenses paid holiday to the Caribbean (preferably two
weeks around June next year) Go to destinology.co.uk and click on luxury
holidays <st1:place w:st="on">Caribbean</st1:place> and any of those will do. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hope that gives you a bit of an idea Mark, as I said don’t
go mad, just one or two from the list. Look forward to seeing you Christmas
day.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All the best</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
O. Trout</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(Your nan’s cousin’s grandson)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
Ollie Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08462997782526897971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4694457503538218257.post-66815698923714742532013-11-18T10:49:00.001-08:002013-11-18T10:49:17.947-08:00Brian May Musician Singer and Songwriter<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzQLP-NMNFe0-At_svSxArpvTdPYrwkGMjb9wqZ1OXjwUsFfhWDeTtFH8NKTteB3z66BfyFhQMDKdvcKnYcC3j0J6z3iyUamYLsZq7s8eF-6OaC7YRhOhP8N2eO3zfFx8UbhFSz5LTVUbZ/s1600/images+(94).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzQLP-NMNFe0-At_svSxArpvTdPYrwkGMjb9wqZ1OXjwUsFfhWDeTtFH8NKTteB3z66BfyFhQMDKdvcKnYcC3j0J6z3iyUamYLsZq7s8eF-6OaC7YRhOhP8N2eO3zfFx8UbhFSz5LTVUbZ/s200/images+(94).jpg" width="133" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Dear Mr May, <o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am a great admirer of your work with Queen and all the
great songs you have been involved with over the years, you've worked
tremendously hard to get where you are, which is more than I can say for the
actual Queen, I mean what has she contributed to music, absolutely bollox all
is what. I can never understand people who just sit on their arse all day doing
nothing and its decent, honest, hard-working people like me and you paying for
it!! Learn to play an instrument or campaign to save badgers for fuck sake!! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The reason I write to you today Brian May (May I call you
Brian May?) is that you have obviously been involved in music for years as we
know and more recently have become involved with badgers, now you won’t believe
this but I am an aspiring musician with a love of badgers, I have just finished
an album called ‘Badger love’ which consists of songs just about badgers and
I'm sure you’ll be very interested in hearing it, the track listing is as
follows;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<ol start="1" style="margin-top: 0cm;" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal">Badger
me softly</li>
<li class="MsoNormal">When
a man loves a badger</li>
<li class="MsoNormal">Tadger
in my badger </li>
<li class="MsoNormal">I
see you badger (shaking that arse)</li>
<li class="MsoNormal">It
doesn't matter if your black and white</li>
<li class="MsoNormal">I
want your badger</li>
<li class="MsoNormal">Wild
thing</li>
<li class="MsoNormal">Too
busy thinking about my badger</li>
<li class="MsoNormal">Prickly
heat</li>
<li class="MsoNormal">Come
back to me badger</li>
<li class="MsoNormal">Locked
up for the love of a badger</li>
</ol>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now I've only got one copy at the moment so I'm unable to
send you one but as soon as I have a spare one I’ll send it to you, just try
and be patient. Also if you’re interested in collaborating on new badger
material in the future I'm more than happy to do so, I think with both of our
musical talent we could produce something special.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I look forward to hearing from you Brian May.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
O. Trout</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
(HM Prison High Down)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Ollie Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08462997782526897971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4694457503538218257.post-16871734623406093572013-11-18T03:13:00.000-08:002013-11-18T04:21:44.908-08:00Lady Gaga Pop Singer<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNbgtKe-Lmk_zzCpufkPx5kPFTys_pEdBwKycbc7iw8ygSvaSGUvJPgvqc93DzNnRumPffrV1i-DPRSYNGg8MNU4UH0T3Ad_7ElDRHnoHk-XEbpCoC6CzocKGxz541vvuBJrNLtJAWvejq/s1600/images+(93).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="110" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNbgtKe-Lmk_zzCpufkPx5kPFTys_pEdBwKycbc7iw8ygSvaSGUvJPgvqc93DzNnRumPffrV1i-DPRSYNGg8MNU4UH0T3Ad_7ElDRHnoHk-XEbpCoC6CzocKGxz541vvuBJrNLtJAWvejq/s200/images+(93).jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Dear Miss Gaga, <o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I watched your performance the other week on the X Factor
and I have to say I was disappointed to see you had to perform in just your bra
and knickers. This wouldn't be the first time this has happened and if I were
you, I would be seriously considering getting a new wardrobe team as they keep
forgetting to bring your outfit with them and poor you has to go out and sing
with just your underwear on. I mean what are they getting paid for if they
can’t do a simple job like this, it does no favours to your dignity whatsoever.
I know exactly how you must have felt because I had a similar experience back
in my school days when my mum forgot to pack my PE kit and I was made to do it
in just my white pants and vest, not only that but I had a bad case of the
trots as well, that was a tough day I can tell you.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now Miss Gaga, I was wondering if you can help me, whenever
I'm playing cards with the boys once a month I can’t seem to get my poker face
right and I'm getting found out quite easily, leaving me nearly skint two days
after pay-day. Now I know you have perfected the art of the poker face as you
told everyone a few years back, so if you could possibly spare a little bit of
time to help me get mine right I would be very grateful. The other week I was
trying so hard to get it right that I left my cards upright on the table, so
embarrassing. Also if you’re not too busy maybe you can teach me how to
actually play the game as well, because to be honest Miss Gaga I don’t really
have a clue, I mean I would sound a bit of a knob if I told the boys that now
after nearly a year of playing it. Actually thinking about it maybe my poker face isn't the
problem because they don’t know I can’t play poker, they just think I'm really
shit. How foolish are they!!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Bye</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
O. Trout (AKA brown pants)<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Ollie Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08462997782526897971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4694457503538218257.post-35400781026633334612013-11-07T06:15:00.000-08:002013-11-07T06:15:22.751-08:00Michael Parkinson Broadcaster Journalist Author<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWMSpvnZ9xizwyJICitaH_draYxnx6FqPjzXNfWgU2Sl2l4wDC31L_Ywor-u3T97d44f4ttnRZyMwI7zlCmWcb2UNRTenm8UCr-aFfkQQbNp2HX-wi28RDOCuAQkgvyJrjetvMVpCuVHsh/s1600/images+(92).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWMSpvnZ9xizwyJICitaH_draYxnx6FqPjzXNfWgU2Sl2l4wDC31L_Ywor-u3T97d44f4ttnRZyMwI7zlCmWcb2UNRTenm8UCr-aFfkQQbNp2HX-wi28RDOCuAQkgvyJrjetvMVpCuVHsh/s200/images+(92).jpg" width="160" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Dear Mr Parkinson,<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wondered if possibly you would be kind enough to do me a
favour. I have an addiction to doodling, which if you didn't know is where you have
a need to scribble on something with a pen, that could be on paper, walls,
desks anywhere you can find. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now I know you do that advert on the television for life
insurance for over fifties, in this you give away a free parker pen for people
who enquire about it. I have tried to get one but unfortunately I don’t qualify
because I'm only 30. Is there any way you could send me one? The reason I ask
this is because my missus has removed all pens from my house, the local shops
won’t serve me any as I am on ink watch and I owe money to people who sell pens
on the black market. I know you’re a respectable figure but I'm asking you
please Michael (Do you mind me calling you Michael?) I'm a desperate man in
need of a scribble. If you send me this pen I promise once the inks gone I’ll
get help. I've tried before Michael but people won’t take me seriously, I even
went on Jeremy Kyle but he just told me to put something on the end of it. I
don’t want to blackmail you or anything Michael but if you don’t send me a
parker I may have to steal and people could get hurt.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My address is at the top of the page, do the right thing
Parky and send me a parker.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yours sincerely,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
O. Trout</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
P.S If when this is over you would like to interview me I'm free most days except Friday.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Ollie Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08462997782526897971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4694457503538218257.post-92224731126234969862013-10-24T07:43:00.000-07:002013-10-24T07:43:58.392-07:00Sir Bruce Forsyth Television Presenter and Entertainer <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEGGGHuxrM4yDPNg4twhcn9sahkHAAapIZ_PXl7LDby8khyeqhwoO4drr-k47ZS5MPcRpYl8aR6fuFumi7ood9Lp5QPKGaKlJEofhNm3iBA_nYZjYqSfJJBn3KtD_s1aJVVeOGVZ6V38wK/s1600/images+(91).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEGGGHuxrM4yDPNg4twhcn9sahkHAAapIZ_PXl7LDby8khyeqhwoO4drr-k47ZS5MPcRpYl8aR6fuFumi7ood9Lp5QPKGaKlJEofhNm3iBA_nYZjYqSfJJBn3KtD_s1aJVVeOGVZ6V38wK/s200/images+(91).jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Dear Mr Forsyth,<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Having tuned in to watch Strictly Come Dancing the other
night, I noticed you were still very much alive and kicking, ok maybe not
kicking but alive, so it is a credit to you that you’re still presenting and
performing at your age. I do want to say though if you do have trouble reading
off the Autocue, don’t worry people will be patient and if you’re concerned
that recycling old jokes week in and week out is a problem, it’s fine, people
understand that it’s difficult to come up with new ones. Also if you do need to
sit down or go for a piss during the show don’t be embarrassed about it, Tess
Daly is more than capable of doing the show alone for a bit.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now Sir Bruce (Do you mind me calling you Sir Bruce?) as you have no
plans to retire any-time soon, I was thinking perhaps you could update some of
your catchphrases, below I have come up with a list of new ones you might be
interested in using;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Me again’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Haven’t I done well?’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Nice to still be here to be here nice’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘You get nothing for a pair….oh sorry wrong show’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘You’re my favourites….who are you again?’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Give us a twirl….no seriously I need chocolate my blood
sugar is right down’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What do you think Sir Bruce? I reckon that would go down a treat
on Saturday night, feel free to use them as and when.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All the best</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
O. Trout</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Ollie Thttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08462997782526897971noreply@blogger.com0