Sir David Attenborough Broadcaster and Naturalist

Dear Mr Attenborough,                

I would like to say firstly what an amazing broadcaster I think you are. To still be going strong at your age is really quite remarkable and when it comes to narrating a film there is no one who can capture a moment quite like you. Actually you don’t happen to offer a service to narrate a person’s life for a day do you? Because I would love to have you do that for me, my everyday life is pretty mundane, but if I was to go out drinking all day it would make it a hell of a lot more interesting I can tell you. Let me know a price Sir David (May I call you Sir David?).

Now Sir David the reason I write to you today is that I have this Polish friend called Remek and he tells me he is having real problems with wild animals getting into his loft. He has had Lions, Tigers, Zebras and even Bears getting in there, he’s not sure if there is something attracting them, or it’s a nest, but he tells me that the noise is horrendous, they’re a damaging the house and he’s unable to go up there in case they attack him. He has tried pest control but unfortunately they don’t deal with wild animals, he’s contacted Zoo’s and animal organisations but they don’t seem to be taking him seriously. I understand you’re a busy man Sir David but is there any chance you could help him out? It is well known that you are very close to animals in general and know how to talk to them so I wondered if you could perhaps have a word with them and ask them to move on. Remek would appreciate this very much as he really is at his wits end with it all.

If you could contact me A.S.A.Y.C.O.W.Y.A.F. (As soon as you can or whenever you are able to).

Thank you

O. Trout

(Village drunk)