Maria Sharapova Tennis player

Dear Miss Sharapova, 

One of my close friends has a 12 year old daughter and she is absolutely crazy about Tennis, she has been playing at her local club for a number of years and had started to get really good. The reason for all this is because you’re her idol and she wants to be just like you, the way she plays is based solely on your game, she’s dyed her hair blonde, learnt Russian and even grunts loudly on court just like you, isn’t it sweet.

Talking of sweet, that brings me to the matter in hand, ever since you have brought out your new range of gummy candies called Sugarpova, she has lost interest in Tennis and sits on the couch all day watching TV and eating sweets. Her parents have already noticed an increase in her weight and her attitude has changed dramatically. They are desperate to get their child back into the sport she was so in love with only a matter of weeks ago and really don’t know where to turn, so I have taken it upon myself to write you this letter.

I would be grateful if you could tell me why you would bring out a range of sweets when you are a sportswoman with whom young children look up to. I would like it if you could explain this to me over dinner and a bottle of wine at the Bel and Dragon bar and restaurant in Godalming, Surrey next Friday at 7.46pm. We don’t have to just talk about this though. Oh and wear your best going out clothes because I was thinking we could hit a nightclub after dinner.

Look forward to seeing you then sweet cheeks.

Ollie Trout