Sir Bruce Forsyth Television Presenter and Entertainer

Dear Mr Forsyth,

Having tuned in to watch Strictly Come Dancing the other night, I noticed you were still very much alive and kicking, ok maybe not kicking but alive, so it is a credit to you that you’re still presenting and performing at your age. I do want to say though if you do have trouble reading off the Autocue, don’t worry people will be patient and if you’re concerned that recycling old jokes week in and week out is a problem, it’s fine, people understand that it’s difficult to come up with new ones. Also if you do need to sit down or go for a piss during the show don’t be embarrassed about it, Tess Daly is more than capable of doing the show alone for a bit.

Now Sir Bruce (Do you mind me calling you Sir Bruce?) as you have no plans to retire any-time soon, I was thinking perhaps you could update some of your catchphrases, below I have come up with a list of new ones you might be interested in using;

‘Me again’

‘Haven’t I done well?’

‘Nice to still be here to be here nice’

‘You get nothing for a pair….oh sorry wrong show’

‘You’re my favourites….who are you again?’

‘Give us a twirl….no seriously I need chocolate my blood sugar is right down’

What do you think Sir Bruce? I reckon that would go down a treat on Saturday night, feel free to use them as and when.

All the best

O. Trout

Penelope Keith Actress

Dear Mrs Keith,

Firstly I would like to say what a good actress I think you are. I remember watching the Good life when I was young and it left me with a feeling of warmth and happiness. All though the characters would often fall into problems they always had closeness with each other that left me thinking life was always like this. Then I grew up and realised that it was actually full of selfish tossers, broken dreams, stress and loneliness. But anyway how are you? I haven’t seen you on TV for a while.

Talking of seeing you Penelope (May I call you Penelope?) it is with my understanding that you live quite near to me in a village called Milford and there have, I've been told numerous sightings of you in the Godalming area. Now it’s been a quite a long time since I've seen a famous person close up so next time you're in the vicinity could you make yourself known a bit in the hope that I'm around to see. Don’t worry I'm not going to come up and pester you, I just want to say to whoever is with me or to myself, oh look it’s Penelope Keith picking up a banana seductively in Waitrose or look there’s Penelope Keith from To the Manor Born breaking up a fight outside Wetherspoons, or maybe oh look it’s that lady from the Good life getting chilli sauce down her top whilst eating a Doner pissed up outside Kebab centre. Failing that you could wear a name badge or swoon down the high street speaking loudly mentioning your own name.

See you around

O. Trout

(Village drunk)

Sebastian Vettel Formula 1 Driver

Dear Mr Vettel,

Having watched you racing in formula one, well I say watching, more hearing on the news you've won another race; I thought I could do a bit of that motor racing lark; the only problem is I have yet to pass my driving test. I was wondering if I can learn to drive in a racing car like yours and skip all the tests in normal cars, is that possible or do I have to start at the beginning? In fact maybe you could teach me? I know you’re busy and that but if you don’t ask you don’t get.

Also Sebastian (Do you mind me calling you Sebastian?) It really annoys me when people come out and say formula has become boring with you winning all the time. I totally disagree with all those people because in my opinion formula one was already boring.

Let me know about those lessons Seb.

Cheers

Ollie Trout

Ed Miliband Leader of the Labour party

Dear Mr Miliband,   

I have been listening to your speeches over the past few months most notably at the labour party conference, where you explained how your party were on the side of normal people, whatever normal is these days. Also how you would freeze the price of fuel for two years, reduce the voting age and how 200,000 new homes would be built by 2020. This all very well and good Ed (May I call you Ed?) but the question I’d like to ask is what are you going to do about your nasal problems, because I tell you now I'm not prepared to have you leading my country when you sound like that.

I too have suffered with sinus problems over a number of years and am still battling a nasal spray addiction. The difference is Ed although I sound similar to you when I'm blocked up; no one really cares when you’re a kitchen assistant at an old people’s home. I appreciate you have had surgery to try and rectify this problem, but unfortunately it doesn't seem to have made much of a difference. You could perhaps try speaking through some kind of voice box or machine; if not maybe have your voice dubbed over by a famous celebrity.

I don’t want to put your nose out of joint, but if you want the full support of me and many others then I think you should take action. If this is not the case by the next election then I'm afraid to say my vote is with the conservatives, as David Cameron has a clear speaking voice. I hope I've made my point.

Good luck

O. Trout

Lenny Henry Comedian and Actor

Dear Mr Henry,

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that your career has taken a traumatic downturn and you’re now working for Premier Inn. I really admired you back in the day, you’re a funny, intelligent man and have brought a lot to the entertainment industry and the work you have done for comic relief over the years is very commendable. You've never managed to make me laugh out loud, but don’t be disheartened by that, it comes down to personal taste that’s all.

Now Lenny (I take it its ok to call you Lenny now?) I'm sure you have been the butt of a lot of jokes with the whole working at Premier Inn thing, but I wanted to make a serious point regarding my stay at the Premier Inn back in January. I'm not sure if you are part of the complaints department but I thought I’d write to you anyhow.

During my one nights stay I had no problem with the service, the food or in fact the room but the thing that disappointed me was that not once was I told beforehand or during my stay that this is not a good place to have an affair. Whether that is down to location, the constant e-mails about my booking, or the gossiping from staff when I was continuously kissing my lover in public I don’t know, but it is no coincidence Lenny that only two days after my stay I was thrown out by the missus after she had followed me that night. I subsequently ended up with nothing and yes you might say it is my own fault but I feel like Premier Inn and yourself Lenny should take some responsibility.

I am not asking for a refund, but I would like you to make it aware to people before they book of the dangers they face in being caught. Unfortunately due to my experience I will be taking my affairs elsewhere from now on.

Yours Sincerely,

O. Trout

Gok Wan Fashion Consultant and Television Presenter

Dear Mr Wan,

I was thinking as I sometimes do about the various television shows you have done such as How to look good naked and Gok cooks Chinese, have you thought about doing one called How to look good naked whilst cooking Chinese…..ha ha what am I like.

On a serious note though I did wonder if you have any plans to bring out a show called how not to dress like a geography teacher unless of course you are a geography teacher.

The reason I say this Gok (is it ok to call you Gok?) is that when I went out with some friends last week they said from what I was wearing that I looked like a geography teacher, now I am not a geography teacher and I have no plans to be a geography teacher, so if you are making a show called how not to dress like a geography teacher unless of course you are a geography teacher, I would be very interested in being on it.

If you could let me know before next Thursday as I'm going travelling, that would be fantastic.

Yours sincerely

O. Trout

(Leisure and Tourism teacher)