Sam Smith Singer/Songwriter

Dear Mr Smith,                         

I would like to say firstly well done on your achievements so far in the music world; it’s refreshing to see genuine talented artists such as yourself do well in a business that has been riddled with manufactured pop garbage such as One Direction. Having said that I do quite like that song they did called ‘Best Song Ever’ and that other one wasn’t bad, I think it’s called ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ not to mention ‘Stories Of My Life’ and of course who could forget ‘Live While We’re Young’ and Kiss You, especially live at the O2…..I would imagine.

Anyway Sam (Do you mind if I call you Sam?) the reason I write to you today is regarding your song Money on my mind, where you say you don’t have money on your mind and you do it for the love. Now I’m pleased for you Sam I really am but I’m in the complete opposite situation, I got money on my mind all the time, trying to pay the rent each month and the gas bills just gone up again. I can’t say I do it for the love either, I mean don’t get me wrong Sam I don’t hate my job but to be frankly honest I wouldn’t be doing it if I didn’t have to.

Now I’m not asking you for any money Sam as I’m not that kind of guy but I did wonder if I could use you the basis of your song to make a spoof music video? It will be called ‘Mummy on my mind’ and it will feature a toddler enjoying himself at nursery, the playground etc, basically saying he doesn’t have his mum on his mind because he’s having far too much fun. I’m currently in the process of writing the lyrics and I really think it could be a money spinner, what do you think?

Let me know Sam

Cheers

Oliver Trout

Kitchen Assistant

Frank Skinner Comedian

Dear Mr Skinner,                                             

You have been making people laugh for a number of years now, myself included and whenever I've been involved in a conversation about you for whatever reason in the past I haven’t heard a bad word said, so well done on that front Frank (Do you mind if I call you Frank?).

Having said all that Frank, I work in an old people’s home as a Kitchen Assistant or Chef as I like to tell people and we listen to Absolute radio most days, this is except on Saturday mornings when a few members of the kitchen team object to listening to your show. I have confronted them about this and the main reason is that you ramble on too much and not enough music is played and that you are preferred on the TV rather than the radio.

I do not share this opinion Frank and would obviously love to be listening to your show, but unfortunately I miss out every week due to the sense of humour failure of my fellow colleagues. This means every Saturday I am forced to listen to repeats of 70’s dance classics and passenger ‘let her go’ on Heart radio and quite frankly Frank I've had enough.

If there is anyway you could help me out Frank by maybe sending out a message to the kitchen crew at Sunrise senior living in Guildford, perhaps asking them to listen to your show even if it’s for one week…… wait a minute I just thought we won’t even be tuned in to hear the message because will be listening to fucking Toby Anstis on Heart, oh forget it!

Cheers Anyway

Oliver Trout

(Chef)

Roy Hodgson England Manager

Dear Mr Hodgson,                                     

I know everyone is quick to question where you went wrong and what team you should have played etc etc but I’m not going to jump on that bandwagon today Roy (Do you mind if I call you Roy?). However I would like to suggest if I may what line up you should go for on the plane home.

I think you should go with three up top, say Sterling, Sturridge and Rooney, with Rooney in the middle as an experienced flyer can settle the nerves of the other two not so experienced flyers. Behind them I think you should have the three Liverpool players Gerrard, Henderson and Johnson, they all know each other well so it will be good banter, I think Gerrard given his age should be on the aisle seat as he may need to go to toilet more than the others, better keep a check on Johnson as he may be caught sleeping quite a lot. Then I’d go with Baines, Jageilka and Lampard, this I would imagine will be an intelligent well behaved group, with plenty of reading taking place, I would have put Cahill next to Jageilka but I really don’t think they sit well together. The rest Roy I would trust your instincts on, although I would give Alex Oxlade Chamberlain plenty of leg room given the injury, maybe stick him next to Fraser Forster as the two players that didn’t feature in the world cup and they can muse about how if they played things would have been different.

Anyway Roy, it’s up to you at the end of the day, it’s not like you’ve let anyone down so far.

Safe journey

Oliver Trout

David Moyes Former Manchester United Manager

Dear Mr Moyes,  

I know you have had a difficult time of it recently what with the sacking and the constant media attention, not to mention everyone having their opinions and taking the Mickey, you must feel so trapped. I think first and foremost you should get away for a bit and clear your head, The Sun newspaper are doing their £15 holidays again so might be worth collecting the tokens for that, best to stay away from the back pages though.

Now the reason I write to you today David (Do you mind me calling you David?) is not to go on about what happened but perhaps help you to build for the future and come back stronger after this humiliation. Around 5 years ago my mate Barry was offered a senior management role at the local Co-op, when the long serving successful manager before retired after 25 years. Baz had worked his way up from being a checkout assistant and the former boss saw potential in him and offered him the reigns. Unfortunately for Bazza it all went tits up, profits fell, staffing levels dropped and eventually he was shown the door after just 8 months in charge. But David, despite his wife and kids leaving him, losing his family home and being diagnosed with depression, Barry after 4 and a half years of hell has recently returned to work and has a job working part-time at the local Greengrocers and after not going out of the house for years, he is now socialising at the Wetherspoons in Godalming where he chats to anyone that will listen.

So I guess what I'm saying is David, if Bazza can get back on his feet again, so can you.

Chin up

Oliver Trout

(Wetherspoons Godalming)

Tinie Tempah Rapper

Dear Mr Tempah,         

I would like to say firstly, congratulations on your achievements so far in the music world. Unfortunately only one of your songs has made it onto my I-pod so far and that is Written in the Stars and to be honest I do skip it quite a lot now, but don’t be disheartened by that, it comes down to personal taste that’s all.

Now Tinie, (May I call you Tinie?) I'm not sure whether your name was supposed to reflect your personality in any way but I have it on good terms that you haven’t got a tiny temper at all and you are a very laid back, easy going guy. The reason I know this Tinie is that a friend of a friend’s husband’s cousin’s work colleague is a good mate of yours and has revealed that back in your school days you missed a bus you used to run for and instead of reacting angrily, you just patiently sat and waited for the next one to arrive. On another occasion when you found out you had got a record deal you said to your mate ‘let’s have a toast, celebration, get a glass out’, but your friend was unable to find any clean glasses and had to wash some up, but you didn't kick up at fuss, you just sat and waited calmly.

I know it’s none of my business and it’s probably too late to change your name now but I think instead of calling yourself Tinie Tempah you perhaps should have been named Large Patience, anyway no biggy.

All the best

Oliver Trout   

(Anger management counsellor)

Richard Ayoade Actor and Comedian

Dear Mr Ayoade,                

Having watched you for sometime now, that is through my television and not from a bush in your back garden, I have concluded that you are indeed a very funny man and I would firstly like to say well done on that Richard (Do you mind me calling you Richard?).

Now Richard I am an extremely funny man myself and I do mean extremely, just ask my Nepalese friend TJ, he thinks I'm hilarious, he doesn't speak much English but he gets it. Everyone at work thinks I'm funny too, they think I'm so funny that they don’t invite me on nights out with them as they feel I may spoil it by making them laugh too much, which I guess is understandable. The problem with being funny Richard and you have no doubt encountered this, is that no one ever takes you seriously even when you are trying to be, also I wondered if when you have passed on compliment to a lady..... or a man, whatever you’re into, they automatically think you’re being sarcastic.

I’d love to get together with you and discuss these issues and how we got to be so bloody funny. I am free most days except the 22^nd May when I’ll be visiting my 90 year-old Grandmother.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Oliver Trout

Kitchen Assistant

P.S This is a serious letter by the way, or is it……

Mary Berry Food Writer and Television Presenter

Dear Mrs Berry,                

I have never watched the Great British bake off as it’s not really my cup of tea and cake, but I know people who have and they tell me how good it is and how they admire your input on the show, so keep up the good work Mary (May I call you Mary?).

The reason I write to you today Mary is that we are having our own bake off competition at work on Tuesday week and wondered if you would be kind enough to judge it for us. I know you’re probably very busy cooking and you’ll have stuff in the oven and that, but if you don’t ask you don’t get.

We are Sunrise Senior Living an elderly people’s home in Peasmarsh near Guildford, so if you do come along, we might be able to sort out some kind of discount on a room for you.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Ollie Trout

Pastry Chef

Michael J Fox American Actor

Dear Mr Fox, 

I am writing to you today on my computer in my flat whilst eating a massive bag of BBQ beef flavoured Big Hoops, which if you don’t know are delicious, succulent potato rings, not sure if you have these in America but if you're ever passing through this country, do pick up a bag, you won't be disappointed Michael (Sorry you don’t mind if I call you Michael do you?). Now you are of course a very well known, established actor who shot to fame in the eighties and have gone on to star in many films over the years, none of which I have actually seen but I hear you were very good so well done.

Now you’re probably thinking to yourself well he must have seen the Back to the Future films, everyone has seen the Back to the Future films! Well Michael you’re the first person I've told this to but I have never seen any of them and to tell you the truth I've been living a lie. I have always just pretended I have for an easy life and no one has ever really questioned me on it, but I thought now is the time to come clean. It’s not that I don’t want to watch them but I am one of those people, who if everybody is banging on about how good something is and that you must watch it I have to do the opposite and not watch it, if that makes sense.

Anyway in the not too distant past I will attempt to watch all the Back to the Future films front to back, starting obviously with the third following on to the first, to my knowledge I think they are showing them on a channel called Yesterday on Sky tomorrow so I will sit down in a couple of weeks and watch it. I have already sent a follow up letter letting you know what I thought of them which you may have already received in a few months time.

All the best Michael I look forward to hearing from you.

O. Trout

(Former member of the Back to the Future fan club)

Maureen Lipman Film Theatre and Television Actress

Dear Mrs Lipman, 

Going back around 6 or 7 years ago now I was doing numerous jobs through an agency, one night I got work as one of the security team at the Duchess Theatre in Westminster, where you were starring in a show. I'm not sure to this day why I was put forward for security because I'm about as intimidating as a bowl of fruit, but luckily once we had got everyone to their seats it was a right doss and I managed to watch quite a bit of the play. You of course were the star of the show and put in a sterling performance, not that I remember what it was called or what it was about but let’s just say you did.

Anyway at the end of the night I was asked to man the door in which you and the other actors and actresses were leaving from. The boss of the security team said to me I must turn the radio on my walkie talkie right down when you were walking past, unfortunately I forgot about this instruction and left my radio turned up to the maximum and as you came past to leave, a conversation was taking place on the radio really loudly and I struggled to turn it down quickly. All credit to you though Maureen (Don’t mind if I call you Maureen do you?) you didn't let it bother you and you smiled and said goodbye, which is testament to the woman you are so I thank you for that.

Actually wait a minute I don’t ever remember getting paid for that night’s work so did you grass me up Maureen or what? Just tell me the truth I won’t get mad about it I just want you to be honest, we’re both adults here!

I look forward to hearing from you.

O. Trout

(Head of security Godalming Bridge Club)

Fernando Torres Footballer

Dear Mr Torres,  

My nephew is a huge football fan and you are his favourite player, he has all your posters on his wall and he knows so much about you. Even things like apparently your mother and father were big fans of Swedish pop group Abba and you are named after their favourite song ‘Fernando’. Also you don’t like Tapas and prefer more traditional English foods such as Pizza, Curry and Chinese and when you were young you were apparently playing football in your garden and a broke a neighbours greenhouse six doors down on the left.

The real reason he idolises you though Fernando (I presume it’s ok to call you Fernando?) is through your football. He has been playing for his local club for around 4 years now and plays as a centre forward just like you. He’s watched your game intently over the last few seasons and wants to play just like you and with 3 goals in 68 appearances he’s doing a grand job.

All the best

O. Trout

(Former manager of Godalming Colts Under 13’s)

Nigella Lawson Journalist Broadcaster Television Chef

Dear Mrs Lawson, 

I know you have been in the news a lot recently for all the wrong reasons and people are quick to judge you and put you down, but I'm not going to jump on that bandwagon today Nigella (Do you mind if I call you Nigella?) because I think you are a proper MILF.

So Nigella I love to cook and often have friends over for a dinner parties and I like to think I have a good skill when it comes to this area, my friends certainly think so and never tire in telling me how delicious my food is. Not only this but I also like to have fun with my menus and often have a play on words much to the amusement of my friends who by the way think I'm hilarious. Now Nigella I have some friends coming over again this week and I have done my menu theme about you in a dedication to your work and I thought I’d do you the honour in showing you. I hope you enjoy Nigella.

Starter

 Arti ‘choke’ hearts

Or

Class A sparagus soup

Main course

Steak and Betrayale pie served with snort-eed potatoes

Or

Strangled neck of lamb served with ‘mashed’ potato

Dessert

Chocolate affairs

Or

Fruit cake

Kind regards,

O.Trout

Noel Edmonds Broadcaster Presenter

Dear Mr Edmonds,  

I remember watching your show Noel’s House Party when I was younger and I used to think to myself I hope I get invited to a house party when I'm older it looks like so much fun, little did I know that this was all a smokescreen and when I did eventually start going to house parties, not once did I see a big pink clumsy figure with yellow spots and jiggling eyes shouting blobby and bumping into things, it just consisted of excessive drinking, drugs, sex in someone else’s mum’s bed, fag burns in the carpet, uninvited guests and complaints from the neighbours. Now as much as all of that was enjoyable Noel (Do you mind me calling you Noel?) Some of these things could have been added to the show in order for youngsters like me back then to prepare for what a house party was really like. Anyway it’s no biggie Noel not to worry about it now.

The real reason I write to you today Noel is that I have started seeing this girl, who by the way is absolutely gorgeous looking, fantastic body and is 23 and I'm 31, but that is beside the point. She told me recently that you and her dad look very similar, the problem is I was unable to tell if you do look alike as he doesn't have your big hair, so If you were to have it cut short but keep the beard so I can see the resemblance, I in turn will send you 5 pounds sterling. Deal or no deal?

Yours sincerely

O. Trout

(Someone else’s mum’s bed) 

Dynamo Magician

Dear Dynamo, 

I really love all that magic stuff you do and I am often left in awe when watching your programmes. You make Paul Daniels look like a bit of dick now when seeing some of the tricks you do. It’s almost fitting as well that with your name being Dynamo that you would become a magician or some kind of entertainer. That time you walked on water was quite incredible, people always bang on about that Jesus guy doing it, but I never saw any evidence, least you actually got yours on film.

Now after seeing you perform I thought I would give a magic a go and started an evening course ‘magic for beginners’, after a few weeks I thought I was getting somewhere until one night I was performing an act in which I had to have my eyes shut, when I opened them everyone including the teacher had disappeared. I subsequently lost my confidence in the whole thing and decided it just wasn't for me. It didn't help that my name is Ollie Trout, it just doesn't have that magical appeal like Dynamo.

One thing I have perfected and would like to thank you for is that walk away thing you do at the end of performing your act, where people are left wondering where you've gone. I do get accused of being quite rude though as I often leave conversations before they've finished.

All the best

Ollie Trout

(Kitchen Assistant)

Paddy Mcguinness Television Presenter and Comedy Actor

Dear Mr Mcguinness, 

You have been around for some time now and have enjoyed a successful career, most notably in the early days for your work with Peter Kay, starring in the great Phoenix Nights and of course Max and Paddy’s Road to Nowhere, not to mention a bit of stand up on the way. The thing that slightly concerns me Paddy (You’re ok with me calling you Paddy right?) is that after all this you’re probably only going to be remembered for saying ‘No lighty no likey’ on your dating show Take me out and having worked in an old people’s home for a few years now it sounds like something the residents shout when they’re starting to lose their marbles. Haha I can actually imagine you in your last days shouting that to the nurses.

Anyway going back to Take me out, I was wondering if I could take part in your show, I am a 30 year-old single male 5ft 10” brown hair blue eyes and a dick head. I'm seeking to find women who are either shallow, desperate, stupid or annoying but fit. I have been single for nearly a year now and I struggle to find these sorts of girls when I’m out with my friends who are also dick heads. I feel like your show would be perfect for me to have a cheeky fling and a holiday but who knows maybe something more.

I am also excellent in making a tit out of myself in front of women and have a good example of this back in 2001. I was on holiday with my friends in Magaluf and one evening unbeknown to me my friends put me forward for some man contest on a stage in front of hundreds of people, if I remember correctly there were around 8 guys and we had to do some challenge and the weakest in each round would get voted off until an eventual winner was crowned. I somehow managed to get through the first round which was to down a pint, now I am shit at that but some other guy was worse and got voted off. The next round was to reveal a chat up line to the lady hosting the event, no problem I thought as I’d remembered a good one I’d heard some years back, but to my horror the guy before me said my chat up line and it was met with lots of laughs. Now it was my turn and I had nothing to say and in my complete panic just said ‘show me your fuck face’ the lady looked at me in shame repeated it out to the crowd and it was met with a stunned silence, needless to say I was voted off and I trudged off stage with my tail between my legs. Not suggesting I have a tail Paddy but you know what I mean.

After this embarrassing incident nothing really fazes me so I think I would be a great candidate for your show. Also the ironic thing is I once worked as a light fitter in my local town and if people didn't’t like us we wouldn't put their lights up so that could get a special mention on the show too. I look forward to your response Paddy.

All the best

O. Trout