Ed Miliband Leader of the Labour party

Dear Mr Miliband,   

I have been listening to your speeches over the past few months most notably at the labour party conference, where you explained how your party were on the side of normal people, whatever normal is these days. Also how you would freeze the price of fuel for two years, reduce the voting age and how 200,000 new homes would be built by 2020. This all very well and good Ed (May I call you Ed?) but the question I’d like to ask is what are you going to do about your nasal problems, because I tell you now I'm not prepared to have you leading my country when you sound like that.

I too have suffered with sinus problems over a number of years and am still battling a nasal spray addiction. The difference is Ed although I sound similar to you when I'm blocked up; no one really cares when you’re a kitchen assistant at an old people’s home. I appreciate you have had surgery to try and rectify this problem, but unfortunately it doesn't seem to have made much of a difference. You could perhaps try speaking through some kind of voice box or machine; if not maybe have your voice dubbed over by a famous celebrity.

I don’t want to put your nose out of joint, but if you want the full support of me and many others then I think you should take action. If this is not the case by the next election then I'm afraid to say my vote is with the conservatives, as David Cameron has a clear speaking voice. I hope I've made my point.

Good luck

O. Trout

Barack Obama President of the United States

Dear Mr Obama,   

First off I would just like to say, you’re pretty damn cool for a president. I wish we had a cool person in charge of our country, instead we get David Cameron, I know he means well, but boy he must cramp your style when he’s over in the US. Whenever I see him with you, it looks like Snoop Dog hanging around with Chris Martin.

I'm not sure if you’re aware of a programme called Wife Swap, it originated over here in Britain and made its way over to you in 2004, although yours is actually called Wife Swap US. Anyway I was thinking as I sometimes do, that we should do a government swap, you and your crew take control of Great Britain and Cameron and his cronies do the same over in the US. It doesn't have to be for long just a couple of months or something, you can make as many changes as you want; after all you’re in control. Then after the few months are up both leaders talk over what happened and see what they can learn for the future of their country. What do you think?

You have a chat with your people and I’ll have a chat with my mates down the pub and see if we can get things moving. You got my address now, so no excuse not to get in touch.

Oh and if this does happen bring your justice system with you, ours is atrocious.

Cheers Barack (It’s ok to call you Barack isn't it?)

Ollie Trout

(Foreign Affairs)

David Cameron Prime Minister

Dear Mr Cameron,

When it comes to politics and the government my knowledge is very limited and whenever I'm involved in a conversation about it with people I have nothing or very little to say. If someone were to ask me what a shadow cabinet was I would probably say it was a piece of furniture that stored a dark area or shape produced by a body coming between rays of light and a surface. Any opinion I do have on politics and the government is completely flawed and not to be taken seriously.

Anyway I just wanted to say what a fantastic job I think you are doing as Prime minister. Keep up the good work.

Peace in

Oliver Trout