Gary Barlow Singer/Songwriter and X Factor judge

Dear Mr Barlow,           

I am writing you this letter with regard to your performance on the previous season of X Factor. Sorry it’s a little late but I was ill with the flu at the turn of the year. Then after that incurred terrible pain with my wisdom tooth, not to mention endless woman trouble, which I'm sure you can relate to eh Gary? (Don’t mind if I call you Gary, do you?). Anyway I won’t bore you with all that now.

First off I would like to say I don’t often tune into the X Factor as it’s not really my cup of tea, but this year I thought I’d give it a go and wow it certainly was entertaining! The judges in particular caught my eye, the Irish one I think his name is Louie Spence, was hilarious, especially when he pretended to know what he was talking about and how he often repeated himself and copied phrases like some excited but rather annoying child. Also it didn’t seem to matter to him whether you were a singer, producer or after show cleaner -you deserved to be on that stage.

Now I’ve never seen a PussyCat Doll before but they are beautiful to look at, truly stunning. No idea what an earth she was talking about but it doesn’t matter when she looks like that eh Gaz? (You’re alright with me calling you that aren’t you?). Then there was Tulisa and she wasn’t afraid to voice her opinion! It’s just a shame that when she did open her mouth you got a horrible whiff of cigarettes coming through your TV screen, but you soon put her straight on that one eh Gazza. (You’re cool with Gazza right?).

This then brings me on to you. Someone who knew exactly what they were talking about and why wouldn’t you, having been in Boyzone all those years. You always put your opinion across in a detailed professional manner and stuck to your guns when the others disagreed. There is however one minor problem regarding your pronunciation of the word performance. You repeatedly throughout the series said preformance as opposed to the correct way of performance. It’s no biggie, but something you can maybe rectify in the future. At the end of the day nobody’s prefect and prehaps it was a case of nerves or force of habit. Anyway it’s just a little heads up and I wish you all the best for the future. Right I’m off for a fag, catch you later Gazzamataz (I’ve gone too far with that haven’t I?).

Kind regards

Oliver Trout