Miley Cyrus Actress and singer

Dear Miss Cyrus,

One of my close friends from work has a 16 year old daughter and she is absolutely crazy about acting and singing, she has been going to a performing arts school for a few years now and had started to get really good. The reason for all this is because you are her idol and she wants to be just like you. Her performance is based solely on you and her fashion and hairstyle changes when yours does, which is a lot I presume.

Now after your antics on stage last month her parents have noticed a dramatic change in her behaviour and attitude and they are very worried that this is affecting her bid to become an actress, she is going out to nightclubs nearly every night dressing provocatively and twerking, now I’m not entirely sure what twerking is and quite frankly I don’t want to know Miley (I’m calling you Miley whether you like it or not). Her parents are at a loss of what to do as she won’t seem to listen to anyone so I have taken it upon myself to write to you today.

I would be grateful if you could tell me why all of a sudden you’re a dancing sexually with next to nothing on when you are an actress and singer with whom teenage girls look up to. I know in your song you say you can’t stop and you won’t stop but I would appreciate it if you at least tried. I would like it if you could explain this to me over dinner and a bottle of wine at the Bel and Dragon bar and restaurant in Godalming, Surrey, next Friday at 7.46pm. We don’t just have to talk about this though. Oh and wear your best going out clothes because I was thinking we could hit a nightclub after dinner. Who knows maybe you could teach me this twerking thing as well haha…….actually no, no that’s not on.

Look forward to seeing you then Miley,

Ollie Trout

Sir David Attenborough Broadcaster and Naturalist

Dear Mr Attenborough,                

I would like to say firstly what an amazing broadcaster I think you are. To still be going strong at your age is really quite remarkable and when it comes to narrating a film there is no one who can capture a moment quite like you. Actually you don’t happen to offer a service to narrate a person’s life for a day do you? Because I would love to have you do that for me, my everyday life is pretty mundane, but if I was to go out drinking all day it would make it a hell of a lot more interesting I can tell you. Let me know a price Sir David (May I call you Sir David?).

Now Sir David the reason I write to you today is that I have this Polish friend called Remek and he tells me he is having real problems with wild animals getting into his loft. He has had Lions, Tigers, Zebras and even Bears getting in there, he’s not sure if there is something attracting them, or it’s a nest, but he tells me that the noise is horrendous, they’re a damaging the house and he’s unable to go up there in case they attack him. He has tried pest control but unfortunately they don’t deal with wild animals, he’s contacted Zoo’s and animal organisations but they don’t seem to be taking him seriously. I understand you’re a busy man Sir David but is there any chance you could help him out? It is well known that you are very close to animals in general and know how to talk to them so I wondered if you could perhaps have a word with them and ask them to move on. Remek would appreciate this very much as he really is at his wits end with it all.

If you could contact me A.S.A.Y.C.O.W.Y.A.F. (As soon as you can or whenever you are able to).

Thank you

O. Trout

(Village drunk)

Ben Affleck Actor, Director and Screenwriter

Dear Mr Affleck,

I think it is terribly unfair the criticism you’re getting for being cast as the next Batman, after all you haven’t even played the part yet and already people are writing you off. Don’t get me wrong when I first heard the news I was like ‘fuck off, Ben Affleck the next Batman, you got to be kidding me’. But then I thought actually no you’re an accomplished actor and should be given a chance to prove the doubters wrong.

The reason I say this Ben (Do you mind me calling you Ben?) is that I had a similar experience back in 1998 when I played the part of a clam in my local Christmas panto, Peter Pan. I only had one line and pretty much one scene but I remember the negativity towards me before I played the part. People were saying I’d be useless as a clam and that I lacked experience for such a role. This only spurred me on though Ben, so I studied clam’s intently for weeks before and watched how they behaved and how they would talk if they could. This knowledge was to prove vital come the performance and I put in a clamtastic performance (excuse the pun). I was told after that I had delivered my lines with such elegance and grace that I was in the frame for a bigger part next year.

It just goes to show Ben if you’re willing to put the effort in and ignore the bad press then you can be a success just like I was back in 1998. Let’s be honest it couldn't go any worse than that film Gigli you did with Jennifer Lopez, awful just awful.

Good luck

O. Trout

P.S Yeah I'm not sure why there was a part for a clam in Peter Pan either.

Maria Sharapova Tennis player

Dear Miss Sharapova, 

One of my close friends has a 12 year old daughter and she is absolutely crazy about Tennis, she has been playing at her local club for a number of years and had started to get really good. The reason for all this is because you’re her idol and she wants to be just like you, the way she plays is based solely on your game, she’s dyed her hair blonde, learnt Russian and even grunts loudly on court just like you, isn’t it sweet.

Talking of sweet, that brings me to the matter in hand, ever since you have brought out your new range of gummy candies called Sugarpova, she has lost interest in Tennis and sits on the couch all day watching TV and eating sweets. Her parents have already noticed an increase in her weight and her attitude has changed dramatically. They are desperate to get their child back into the sport she was so in love with only a matter of weeks ago and really don’t know where to turn, so I have taken it upon myself to write you this letter.

I would be grateful if you could tell me why you would bring out a range of sweets when you are a sportswoman with whom young children look up to. I would like it if you could explain this to me over dinner and a bottle of wine at the Bel and Dragon bar and restaurant in Godalming, Surrey next Friday at 7.46pm. We don’t have to just talk about this though. Oh and wear your best going out clothes because I was thinking we could hit a nightclub after dinner.

Look forward to seeing you then sweet cheeks.

Ollie Trout

Bear Grylls Adventurer, Writer and Television Presenter

Dear Mr Grylls, 

You’re a true adventurer and born survivor and I really admire the way you get yourself out of some pretty life threatening situations, people could learn a lot from you. Actually I think they probably have learnt a lot from you so forget that bit. The thing I don’t get is why in this day and age they haven’t got vending machines in the wild with light snacks and drinks in place for you to consume if you get desperate. It is something they should perhaps look into, but then comes the issue of you actually having the correct change for a Mars bar on you at the time, unless of course it is a machine that dispenses change, then your life becomes a little easier. Sorry I'm waffling on.

Now Bear (Do you mind if I call you Bear? Or would you prefer Michael as that is your actual name?) Although I have never crossed the North Atlantic, Para motored over the Himalayas or been stranded in the Australian outback, I have experienced things in my life where I have thought this must be what Bear Grylls feels like. The first incident was back in my school days when we went on a field trip to Dover Castle, I'm not sure how but I ended up losing my group and found myself alone in the countryside, after several minutes I began to panic and searched frantically for one of my friends or teachers, but to no avail. During the following minutes I began to get hungry, so I opened my lunch box and to my horror noticed that my mum had forgotten to put my sandwiches in. It was all becoming too much and I needed to get a grip, so I started to think of ways to stay alive if rescue did not surface. Thankfully after around 45 minutes and with only a packet of crisps, a yoghurt and a Mars bar consumed I was found by one of my teachers, but it was touch and go for a minute.

On another occasion back in 2006 I was holidaying with my then girlfriend on the island of Lanzarote. One day we went to the beach and I decided to go for a swim in the sea, I took with me my trusted lilo that had been everywhere with me on my ventures across Europe. Upon pushing my lilo further in before I laid on it, a sudden gust of wind took it out of my hands and blew it far out, I thought about letting it go for a second but such was my love for this lilo I was determined to get it back so I swam out after it. When I eventually caught up with it I realised I was some way from shore and even the buoy was out of reach, honestly Michael you don’t even know how alone, frightened and cold I was. Luckily a nearby boat took pity on me, gave me a Mars bar and returned me back to shore and I lived to fight another day, but it was touch and go for a minute.

Sorry I know I'm waffling again but I have got one more, this was a few years back in Benidorm on a stag do. Our first night there we went out as planned and after surviving an attack from a couple of bruisers in a bar, we carried on drinking vast amounts of alcohol. I don’t know how but I ended up on my own in the strip largely intoxicated and without a clue as to what the name of our apartment was. Having passed out in various places I woke to find I had had my wallet stolen and all my money gone. The next morning came and the scorching sun was bearing down on me, I had no money for food or drink and wondered if I’d ever see my friends again, honestly Michael you don’t even know how alone, hot and in need of water I was. After a while and feeling very weak I reached a crossroads, I had to make a decision on which way to turn, if it was the wrong one it could have been the end for me, but there suddenly in the distance and to my utter relief I saw my friends walking down the road, they bought me a fry up and a Mars bar and I lived to fight another day, but it was touch and go for a moment.

Anyway I’ll let you get on, but it just goes to show we’re not all that different me and you.

Toodle pip

O. Trout

Peter Capaldi Actor

Dear Mr Capaldi,

Congratulations on being named as the new Doctor Who, you’re a fantastic actor and deserve this opportunity.

Now I have to say I haven’t really watched a lot of Doctor Who in the past as it isn't really my cup of tea, but I have an idea that may get me and quite a few others watching. Basically Peter (Do you mind me calling you Peter?) I think you should play the role as your brilliant character in The Thick of it, Malcolm Tucker, this would mean the show would have to be broadcast a lot later in the evening due to the vast amount of swearing but I think it would be a real hit. You could say things like ‘Why don’t you get in that fucking Tardis and go back to a time when you weren't such a tosser’ and to your adversaries you could say stuff like ‘Just fuck off back to planet Skaro you Dalek prick’ or ‘Dido Humanoid, more like Dido Haemorrhoid, now fuck off out of my face’. What do you think?

You have a chat with the writers and directors of the show and I’ll have a chat with my mates down the pub and see if we can get things moving. I look forward to hearing from you Peter.

Thanks

O. Trout

Luis Suarez Footballer

Dear Mr Suarez,

I would like to say Luis (Don’t mind if I call you Luis do you?) aside from the biting of arms, the racist abuse, the diving, the conning of referees, the bad discipline,  the lack of respect to fans, fellow players and manager, you seem like an alright bloke.

Now I understand you’re unhappy at Liverpool at the moment and are looking to get a transfer, the club however are refusing to let you go. With Wayne Rooney and Gareth Bale in similar situations it’s hard not to feel sorry for you footballers. I just don’t think you get enough support, everyone is so engrossed in what’s going on in their own lives that they forget what you poor footballers are going through. There is this guy I know who lost both his legs in an accident and now is in a wheelchair, he could no longer work so he ended up struggling financially. He lost his house as he couldn't afford the mortgage and now lives in a bedsit, both his parents then died within weeks of each other, his wife left him for his brother and all the bloke does is moan. I've tried to make him see that if he takes the time to look around he’ll notice that there are people a lot worse off than him, people such as yourself for instance. I just wish there was more we could do to help.

I hope things work out for you especially as I'm a big Arsenal fan and would love to see you playing for us next season, I think the change would do you good. Having said that we also play in red and don’t win anything.

All the best

O. Trout

(Godalming bus shelter)