Carol Vorderman Loose Women Presenter and Former Co-Host of Countdown

Dear Miss Vorderman, 

I’m not a particularly intelligent man, but I am intelligent enough to know that you are an intelligent woman; you make Mathematics look as easy as walking down the stairs.

So what the bloody hell were you doing trying to run down them with your hands in your pockets and whilst wearing four-inch heels. All this at your age you silly billy.

Listen if there is anything you need while your recovering, milk, bread, a coat without pockets, probably best to ask your family or friends as I don’t know you personally and to be honest I’m very busy writing ridiculous letters to celebrities at the moment.

Get well soon

Oliver Trout