Ed Miliband Leader of the Labour party

Dear Mr Miliband,   

I have been listening to your speeches over the past few months most notably at the labour party conference, where you explained how your party were on the side of normal people, whatever normal is these days. Also how you would freeze the price of fuel for two years, reduce the voting age and how 200,000 new homes would be built by 2020. This all very well and good Ed (May I call you Ed?) but the question I’d like to ask is what are you going to do about your nasal problems, because I tell you now I'm not prepared to have you leading my country when you sound like that.

I too have suffered with sinus problems over a number of years and am still battling a nasal spray addiction. The difference is Ed although I sound similar to you when I'm blocked up; no one really cares when you’re a kitchen assistant at an old people’s home. I appreciate you have had surgery to try and rectify this problem, but unfortunately it doesn't seem to have made much of a difference. You could perhaps try speaking through some kind of voice box or machine; if not maybe have your voice dubbed over by a famous celebrity.

I don’t want to put your nose out of joint, but if you want the full support of me and many others then I think you should take action. If this is not the case by the next election then I'm afraid to say my vote is with the conservatives, as David Cameron has a clear speaking voice. I hope I've made my point.

Good luck

O. Trout

Lenny Henry Comedian and Actor

Dear Mr Henry,

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that your career has taken a traumatic downturn and you’re now working for Premier Inn. I really admired you back in the day, you’re a funny, intelligent man and have brought a lot to the entertainment industry and the work you have done for comic relief over the years is very commendable. You've never managed to make me laugh out loud, but don’t be disheartened by that, it comes down to personal taste that’s all.

Now Lenny (I take it its ok to call you Lenny now?) I'm sure you have been the butt of a lot of jokes with the whole working at Premier Inn thing, but I wanted to make a serious point regarding my stay at the Premier Inn back in January. I'm not sure if you are part of the complaints department but I thought I’d write to you anyhow.

During my one nights stay I had no problem with the service, the food or in fact the room but the thing that disappointed me was that not once was I told beforehand or during my stay that this is not a good place to have an affair. Whether that is down to location, the constant e-mails about my booking, or the gossiping from staff when I was continuously kissing my lover in public I don’t know, but it is no coincidence Lenny that only two days after my stay I was thrown out by the missus after she had followed me that night. I subsequently ended up with nothing and yes you might say it is my own fault but I feel like Premier Inn and yourself Lenny should take some responsibility.

I am not asking for a refund, but I would like you to make it aware to people before they book of the dangers they face in being caught. Unfortunately due to my experience I will be taking my affairs elsewhere from now on.

Yours Sincerely,

O. Trout

Gok Wan Fashion Consultant and Television Presenter

Dear Mr Wan,

I was thinking as I sometimes do about the various television shows you have done such as How to look good naked and Gok cooks Chinese, have you thought about doing one called How to look good naked whilst cooking Chinese…..ha ha what am I like.

On a serious note though I did wonder if you have any plans to bring out a show called how not to dress like a geography teacher unless of course you are a geography teacher.

The reason I say this Gok (is it ok to call you Gok?) is that when I went out with some friends last week they said from what I was wearing that I looked like a geography teacher, now I am not a geography teacher and I have no plans to be a geography teacher, so if you are making a show called how not to dress like a geography teacher unless of course you are a geography teacher, I would be very interested in being on it.

If you could let me know before next Thursday as I'm going travelling, that would be fantastic.

Yours sincerely

O. Trout

(Leisure and Tourism teacher) 

Miley Cyrus Actress and singer

Dear Miss Cyrus,

One of my close friends from work has a 16 year old daughter and she is absolutely crazy about acting and singing, she has been going to a performing arts school for a few years now and had started to get really good. The reason for all this is because you are her idol and she wants to be just like you. Her performance is based solely on you and her fashion and hairstyle changes when yours does, which is a lot I presume.

Now after your antics on stage last month her parents have noticed a dramatic change in her behaviour and attitude and they are very worried that this is affecting her bid to become an actress, she is going out to nightclubs nearly every night dressing provocatively and twerking, now I’m not entirely sure what twerking is and quite frankly I don’t want to know Miley (I’m calling you Miley whether you like it or not). Her parents are at a loss of what to do as she won’t seem to listen to anyone so I have taken it upon myself to write to you today.

I would be grateful if you could tell me why all of a sudden you’re a dancing sexually with next to nothing on when you are an actress and singer with whom teenage girls look up to. I know in your song you say you can’t stop and you won’t stop but I would appreciate it if you at least tried. I would like it if you could explain this to me over dinner and a bottle of wine at the Bel and Dragon bar and restaurant in Godalming, Surrey, next Friday at 7.46pm. We don’t just have to talk about this though. Oh and wear your best going out clothes because I was thinking we could hit a nightclub after dinner. Who knows maybe you could teach me this twerking thing as well haha…….actually no, no that’s not on.

Look forward to seeing you then Miley,

Ollie Trout

Sir David Attenborough Broadcaster and Naturalist

Dear Mr Attenborough,                

I would like to say firstly what an amazing broadcaster I think you are. To still be going strong at your age is really quite remarkable and when it comes to narrating a film there is no one who can capture a moment quite like you. Actually you don’t happen to offer a service to narrate a person’s life for a day do you? Because I would love to have you do that for me, my everyday life is pretty mundane, but if I was to go out drinking all day it would make it a hell of a lot more interesting I can tell you. Let me know a price Sir David (May I call you Sir David?).

Now Sir David the reason I write to you today is that I have this Polish friend called Remek and he tells me he is having real problems with wild animals getting into his loft. He has had Lions, Tigers, Zebras and even Bears getting in there, he’s not sure if there is something attracting them, or it’s a nest, but he tells me that the noise is horrendous, they’re a damaging the house and he’s unable to go up there in case they attack him. He has tried pest control but unfortunately they don’t deal with wild animals, he’s contacted Zoo’s and animal organisations but they don’t seem to be taking him seriously. I understand you’re a busy man Sir David but is there any chance you could help him out? It is well known that you are very close to animals in general and know how to talk to them so I wondered if you could perhaps have a word with them and ask them to move on. Remek would appreciate this very much as he really is at his wits end with it all.

If you could contact me A.S.A.Y.C.O.W.Y.A.F. (As soon as you can or whenever you are able to).

Thank you

O. Trout

(Village drunk)

Ben Affleck Actor, Director and Screenwriter

Dear Mr Affleck,

I think it is terribly unfair the criticism you’re getting for being cast as the next Batman, after all you haven’t even played the part yet and already people are writing you off. Don’t get me wrong when I first heard the news I was like ‘fuck off, Ben Affleck the next Batman, you got to be kidding me’. But then I thought actually no you’re an accomplished actor and should be given a chance to prove the doubters wrong.

The reason I say this Ben (Do you mind me calling you Ben?) is that I had a similar experience back in 1998 when I played the part of a clam in my local Christmas panto, Peter Pan. I only had one line and pretty much one scene but I remember the negativity towards me before I played the part. People were saying I’d be useless as a clam and that I lacked experience for such a role. This only spurred me on though Ben, so I studied clam’s intently for weeks before and watched how they behaved and how they would talk if they could. This knowledge was to prove vital come the performance and I put in a clamtastic performance (excuse the pun). I was told after that I had delivered my lines with such elegance and grace that I was in the frame for a bigger part next year.

It just goes to show Ben if you’re willing to put the effort in and ignore the bad press then you can be a success just like I was back in 1998. Let’s be honest it couldn't go any worse than that film Gigli you did with Jennifer Lopez, awful just awful.

Good luck

O. Trout

P.S Yeah I'm not sure why there was a part for a clam in Peter Pan either.

Maria Sharapova Tennis player

Dear Miss Sharapova, 

One of my close friends has a 12 year old daughter and she is absolutely crazy about Tennis, she has been playing at her local club for a number of years and had started to get really good. The reason for all this is because you’re her idol and she wants to be just like you, the way she plays is based solely on your game, she’s dyed her hair blonde, learnt Russian and even grunts loudly on court just like you, isn’t it sweet.

Talking of sweet, that brings me to the matter in hand, ever since you have brought out your new range of gummy candies called Sugarpova, she has lost interest in Tennis and sits on the couch all day watching TV and eating sweets. Her parents have already noticed an increase in her weight and her attitude has changed dramatically. They are desperate to get their child back into the sport she was so in love with only a matter of weeks ago and really don’t know where to turn, so I have taken it upon myself to write you this letter.

I would be grateful if you could tell me why you would bring out a range of sweets when you are a sportswoman with whom young children look up to. I would like it if you could explain this to me over dinner and a bottle of wine at the Bel and Dragon bar and restaurant in Godalming, Surrey next Friday at 7.46pm. We don’t have to just talk about this though. Oh and wear your best going out clothes because I was thinking we could hit a nightclub after dinner.

Look forward to seeing you then sweet cheeks.

Ollie Trout