Barack Obama President of the United States

Dear Mr Obama,   

First off I would just like to say, you’re pretty damn cool for a president. I wish we had a cool person in charge of our country, instead we get David Cameron, I know he means well, but boy he must cramp your style when he’s over in the US. Whenever I see him with you, it looks like Snoop Dog hanging around with Chris Martin.

I'm not sure if you’re aware of a programme called Wife Swap, it originated over here in Britain and made its way over to you in 2004, although yours is actually called Wife Swap US. Anyway I was thinking as I sometimes do, that we should do a government swap, you and your crew take control of Great Britain and Cameron and his cronies do the same over in the US. It doesn't have to be for long just a couple of months or something, you can make as many changes as you want; after all you’re in control. Then after the few months are up both leaders talk over what happened and see what they can learn for the future of their country. What do you think?

You have a chat with your people and I’ll have a chat with my mates down the pub and see if we can get things moving. You got my address now, so no excuse not to get in touch.

Oh and if this does happen bring your justice system with you, ours is atrocious.

Cheers Barack (It’s ok to call you Barack isn't it?)

Ollie Trout

(Foreign Affairs)

Danny Dyer English Actor and Media Personality

Dear Mr Dyer, 

I am a big fan of your work from the films you've done such as Football Factory, The Business and all that, through to your documentaries on football hooligans and nutty geezers. Not sure about that UFO thing you did, that was a bit moody. Having said that I do keep a couple of twenty pence pieces in my pyjamas at night in case I get abducted by aliens and have to phone home.

Now listen Danny (You’re alright with me calling you Danny aren't ya?) the missus and I sometime ago compiled a list of famous people we were aloud to leave each other for, should the chance present itself. I obviously put down some naughty treacle’s that I hand-picked from Nuts magazine; you know the ones I mean eh Danny? On her list though were just you and some twat from Twilight.

I know this is extremely unlikely to happen and you've no doubt already got a bird on the scene, but I will let this be known to you now Danny, if you’re ever in the Godalming area and you happen to run into my missus and you like what you see, please take her off my hands because she is doing my nut in.

Cheers bruv

Ollie Trout

Mick Jagger Lead Singer of the Rolling Stones

Dear Mr Jagger,  

I am a massive fan of you and The Stones and I think it is incredible that you’re still going strong over 50 years after you first started. I would love to be going to see you at Glastonbury at the end of June but unfortunately it clashes with Music in the Park at Godalming Bandstand so what can you do. I did want to say though, when you are playing out there, just take it easy, if you want to sit down then do so, don’t be embarrassed about it. If you need a piss mid-song no one is going to mind if you nip off quickly and if you forget the words it’s all right I'm sure the fans will fill in the gaps.

Anyway the real reason I write to you today Mick (May I call you Mick?) is that you’re obviously a big fan of brown sugar as your song suggests but I was wondering what is the difference between white and brown sugar? Whenever I have had either in my tea or coffee I've been unable to notice a change in taste. You personally must feel that brown sugar has the edge over white otherwise the song would have been called white sugar or sugar if you thought they were on a level par.

I would appreciate your explanation on this if possible. In fact why not pop over to my flat for a cuppa and we can discuss it then. I have only got white sugar though Mick, but hey you can’t always get what you want.

Just give me a knock sometime.

Take it easy

Oliver Trout

(Minister for the Diabetes Trust)

Ant n Dec Comedy and TV presenting duo

Dear Ant n Dec,        

I’m pretty sure you haven’t got surnames so I wrote it out to Ant n Dec and I also thought there is no need to do separate letters as you’re always together.

Now don’t get me wrong I think your cracking lads and you work hard in your profession, but this double act thing you got going on, I just can’t see it lasting much longer. I just don’t think the chemistry is there between you and Ant n Dec just doesn’t have that ring to it that people will remember. I don’t want to put a downer on proceedings as you obviously think things are going well, but have you thought about doing something separately. I know you will wonder who the fuck I am and what it’s got do with me but I’ve been right about these things before. KC and JOJO, Daphne and Celeste, where are they now? Exactly.

I know you acted together as kids in the popular children’s TV show Byker Grove, then went on to record an album as PJ and Duncan, which included the hit single Let’s Get Ready to Rumble before embarking on a, some would say successful presenting career. This started with the brilliant SMTV on a Saturday morning. They just don’t make shows like that anymore. To be honest that’s where I thought it would end for you guys but you went on to present popular reality shows such as Britain’s got Talent and I’m a Celebrity. You guys crack me up on that show; I watch it just for the gags. Anyway where was I and er…. you may have had your own Saturday night show which has lasted over a decade and is now in it’s 10^th series, with huge ratings that has topped the likes of Doctor Who and was voted in the all time top 50 ITV television shows of all time. But you know, I mean what are you going to do next?

I hope I’ve made my point.

All the best

Ollie n Trout

Sir Alex Ferguson former Manchester United manager

Dear Mr Ferguson,

Even though I support Arsenal I have an awful lot of respect for the way you've managed Manchester United over the years and although I'm kind of relieved you’re hanging up your chewing gums, football will miss your passion and endeavour. Anyway least you’ll have a lot more free time on your hands now; actually I seem to remember you getting a lot of that at Old Trafford over the years. Only joking Sir Alex (You don’t mind me calling you Sir Alex do you?)

The reason I'm writing to you today Sir Alex is that my friend Bobby has been trying out your hair dryer treatment on his employees when they make mistakes, but he tells me that it’s not working. He said they struggle to gel as a team and recently a lot of staff has left. He has even been threatened with legal action by one of his ex employees. What do you think it is he’s doing wrong? I mean he’s worked in hairdressers all his life, he’s finally got his own salon but his man management isn't working. If there is any advice you can give to help him I would appreciate it. I did say that maybe he’s putting the hair dryer too close to their faces or perhaps he’s turning the setting up too high, but hey what do I know.

Oh yeah one more thing, now that you've gone I take it there’s no reason for Howard Webb to carry on refereeing. I'm just kidding with you Sir Alex.

All the best

Ollie Trout 

Jennifer Aniston American Actress

Dear Miss Aniston,

You were without doubt my favourite Friends star when I was growing up. Behind Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, Ross and Monica. I've also enjoyed watching you in films such as Along Came Polly and all the others ones you did.

Now it has been pretty well documented in the UK that you have yet to find Mr Right and settle down. I'm not so sure it has been as well documented in the US that I also have struggled to find the right girl. Although I have never been married I now have a long list of failed long-term relationships. So I was thinking what do you say we give it five more years and if neither of us has found the one, we get married?  

I better just let you know a bit about me; I'm 30 years old, friendly, down to earth and always up for a laugh. I'm clean and tidy and always put the toilet seat down after use. I'm not bad in the bedroom; I like to think I do a pretty good job. My hobbies are Football and drinking.

If this was to happen Jen (I gather it’s alright to call you Jen?) I would need you to move over to the UK as I can’t really leave my kitchen assistant job, without me the salad bar doesn't get made and the dishes don’t get washed. So what do you say Jen, we got ourselves a deal?

Look forward to hearing from you soon……….. Oh wait a minute it seems you might be marrying some guy called Justin Theroux. I don’t even know who he is but I know he won’t make you happy like me Jen, but you go ahead and marry him, make the biggest mistake of your life. I'm not even bothered Jen, don’t even try and come crawling back to me, because it won’t work.

Call me!

Ollie Trout
(Kitchen Assistant)

Freddie Flintoff Former Cricketer turned Boxer

Dear Mr Flintoff,

I know you’re in to Boxing and Jacamo now, but I was wondering if you could answer a cricket related question for me.

I can’t say I've watched a lot of cricket in my life as I don’t like wasting too much time, but whenever I have, I've noticed something very strange. You know when the bowler gets a wicket and he throws the ball up in the air in celebration, where does that ball go? It never seems to re-appear and none of the players seem the least bit concerned that it might land on their heads. Is there some sort of cricket ball heaven it goes to? I might get a better view stance if I was to watch a game live, but certainly watching from my television set I've yet to see a ball return.

If you could send your answer on a postcard to the above address by December 31st 2015, it will be much appreciated.

All the best

Oliver Trout

(Founder of the Lost Cricket Ball Association)