Danny Dyer English Actor and Media Personality

Dear Mr Dyer, 

I am a big fan of your work from the films you've done such as Football Factory, The Business and all that, through to your documentaries on football hooligans and nutty geezers. Not sure about that UFO thing you did, that was a bit moody. Having said that I do keep a couple of twenty pence pieces in my pyjamas at night in case I get abducted by aliens and have to phone home.

Now listen Danny (You’re alright with me calling you Danny aren't ya?) the missus and I sometime ago compiled a list of famous people we were aloud to leave each other for, should the chance present itself. I obviously put down some naughty treacle’s that I hand-picked from Nuts magazine; you know the ones I mean eh Danny? On her list though were just you and some twat from Twilight.

I know this is extremely unlikely to happen and you've no doubt already got a bird on the scene, but I will let this be known to you now Danny, if you’re ever in the Godalming area and you happen to run into my missus and you like what you see, please take her off my hands because she is doing my nut in.

Cheers bruv

Ollie Trout