Tinie Tempah Rapper

Dear Mr Tempah,         

I would like to say firstly, congratulations on your achievements so far in the music world. Unfortunately only one of your songs has made it onto my I-pod so far and that is Written in the Stars and to be honest I do skip it quite a lot now, but don’t be disheartened by that, it comes down to personal taste that’s all.

Now Tinie, (May I call you Tinie?) I'm not sure whether your name was supposed to reflect your personality in any way but I have it on good terms that you haven’t got a tiny temper at all and you are a very laid back, easy going guy. The reason I know this Tinie is that a friend of a friend’s husband’s cousin’s work colleague is a good mate of yours and has revealed that back in your school days you missed a bus you used to run for and instead of reacting angrily, you just patiently sat and waited for the next one to arrive. On another occasion when you found out you had got a record deal you said to your mate ‘let’s have a toast, celebration, get a glass out’, but your friend was unable to find any clean glasses and had to wash some up, but you didn't kick up at fuss, you just sat and waited calmly.

I know it’s none of my business and it’s probably too late to change your name now but I think instead of calling yourself Tinie Tempah you perhaps should have been named Large Patience, anyway no biggy.

All the best

Oliver Trout   

(Anger management counsellor)

Richard Ayoade Actor and Comedian

Dear Mr Ayoade,                

Having watched you for sometime now, that is through my television and not from a bush in your back garden, I have concluded that you are indeed a very funny man and I would firstly like to say well done on that Richard (Do you mind me calling you Richard?).

Now Richard I am an extremely funny man myself and I do mean extremely, just ask my Nepalese friend TJ, he thinks I'm hilarious, he doesn't speak much English but he gets it. Everyone at work thinks I'm funny too, they think I'm so funny that they don’t invite me on nights out with them as they feel I may spoil it by making them laugh too much, which I guess is understandable. The problem with being funny Richard and you have no doubt encountered this, is that no one ever takes you seriously even when you are trying to be, also I wondered if when you have passed on compliment to a lady..... or a man, whatever you’re into, they automatically think you’re being sarcastic.

I’d love to get together with you and discuss these issues and how we got to be so bloody funny. I am free most days except the 22^nd May when I’ll be visiting my 90 year-old Grandmother.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Oliver Trout

Kitchen Assistant

P.S This is a serious letter by the way, or is it……

Mary Berry Food Writer and Television Presenter

Dear Mrs Berry,                

I have never watched the Great British bake off as it’s not really my cup of tea and cake, but I know people who have and they tell me how good it is and how they admire your input on the show, so keep up the good work Mary (May I call you Mary?).

The reason I write to you today Mary is that we are having our own bake off competition at work on Tuesday week and wondered if you would be kind enough to judge it for us. I know you’re probably very busy cooking and you’ll have stuff in the oven and that, but if you don’t ask you don’t get.

We are Sunrise Senior Living an elderly people’s home in Peasmarsh near Guildford, so if you do come along, we might be able to sort out some kind of discount on a room for you.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Ollie Trout

Pastry Chef

Michael J Fox American Actor

Dear Mr Fox, 

I am writing to you today on my computer in my flat whilst eating a massive bag of BBQ beef flavoured Big Hoops, which if you don’t know are delicious, succulent potato rings, not sure if you have these in America but if you're ever passing through this country, do pick up a bag, you won't be disappointed Michael (Sorry you don’t mind if I call you Michael do you?). Now you are of course a very well known, established actor who shot to fame in the eighties and have gone on to star in many films over the years, none of which I have actually seen but I hear you were very good so well done.

Now you’re probably thinking to yourself well he must have seen the Back to the Future films, everyone has seen the Back to the Future films! Well Michael you’re the first person I've told this to but I have never seen any of them and to tell you the truth I've been living a lie. I have always just pretended I have for an easy life and no one has ever really questioned me on it, but I thought now is the time to come clean. It’s not that I don’t want to watch them but I am one of those people, who if everybody is banging on about how good something is and that you must watch it I have to do the opposite and not watch it, if that makes sense.

Anyway in the not too distant past I will attempt to watch all the Back to the Future films front to back, starting obviously with the third following on to the first, to my knowledge I think they are showing them on a channel called Yesterday on Sky tomorrow so I will sit down in a couple of weeks and watch it. I have already sent a follow up letter letting you know what I thought of them which you may have already received in a few months time.

All the best Michael I look forward to hearing from you.

O. Trout

(Former member of the Back to the Future fan club)

Maureen Lipman Film Theatre and Television Actress

Dear Mrs Lipman, 

Going back around 6 or 7 years ago now I was doing numerous jobs through an agency, one night I got work as one of the security team at the Duchess Theatre in Westminster, where you were starring in a show. I'm not sure to this day why I was put forward for security because I'm about as intimidating as a bowl of fruit, but luckily once we had got everyone to their seats it was a right doss and I managed to watch quite a bit of the play. You of course were the star of the show and put in a sterling performance, not that I remember what it was called or what it was about but let’s just say you did.

Anyway at the end of the night I was asked to man the door in which you and the other actors and actresses were leaving from. The boss of the security team said to me I must turn the radio on my walkie talkie right down when you were walking past, unfortunately I forgot about this instruction and left my radio turned up to the maximum and as you came past to leave, a conversation was taking place on the radio really loudly and I struggled to turn it down quickly. All credit to you though Maureen (Don’t mind if I call you Maureen do you?) you didn't let it bother you and you smiled and said goodbye, which is testament to the woman you are so I thank you for that.

Actually wait a minute I don’t ever remember getting paid for that night’s work so did you grass me up Maureen or what? Just tell me the truth I won’t get mad about it I just want you to be honest, we’re both adults here!

I look forward to hearing from you.

O. Trout

(Head of security Godalming Bridge Club)

Fernando Torres Footballer

Dear Mr Torres,  

My nephew is a huge football fan and you are his favourite player, he has all your posters on his wall and he knows so much about you. Even things like apparently your mother and father were big fans of Swedish pop group Abba and you are named after their favourite song ‘Fernando’. Also you don’t like Tapas and prefer more traditional English foods such as Pizza, Curry and Chinese and when you were young you were apparently playing football in your garden and a broke a neighbours greenhouse six doors down on the left.

The real reason he idolises you though Fernando (I presume it’s ok to call you Fernando?) is through your football. He has been playing for his local club for around 4 years now and plays as a centre forward just like you. He’s watched your game intently over the last few seasons and wants to play just like you and with 3 goals in 68 appearances he’s doing a grand job.

All the best

O. Trout

(Former manager of Godalming Colts Under 13’s)

Nigella Lawson Journalist Broadcaster Television Chef

Dear Mrs Lawson, 

I know you have been in the news a lot recently for all the wrong reasons and people are quick to judge you and put you down, but I'm not going to jump on that bandwagon today Nigella (Do you mind if I call you Nigella?) because I think you are a proper MILF.

So Nigella I love to cook and often have friends over for a dinner parties and I like to think I have a good skill when it comes to this area, my friends certainly think so and never tire in telling me how delicious my food is. Not only this but I also like to have fun with my menus and often have a play on words much to the amusement of my friends who by the way think I'm hilarious. Now Nigella I have some friends coming over again this week and I have done my menu theme about you in a dedication to your work and I thought I’d do you the honour in showing you. I hope you enjoy Nigella.

Starter

 Arti ‘choke’ hearts

Or

Class A sparagus soup

Main course

Steak and Betrayale pie served with snort-eed potatoes

Or

Strangled neck of lamb served with ‘mashed’ potato

Dessert

Chocolate affairs

Or

Fruit cake

Kind regards,

O.Trout