Noel Edmonds Broadcaster Presenter

Dear Mr Edmonds,  

I remember watching your show Noel’s House Party when I was younger and I used to think to myself I hope I get invited to a house party when I'm older it looks like so much fun, little did I know that this was all a smokescreen and when I did eventually start going to house parties, not once did I see a big pink clumsy figure with yellow spots and jiggling eyes shouting blobby and bumping into things, it just consisted of excessive drinking, drugs, sex in someone else’s mum’s bed, fag burns in the carpet, uninvited guests and complaints from the neighbours. Now as much as all of that was enjoyable Noel (Do you mind me calling you Noel?) Some of these things could have been added to the show in order for youngsters like me back then to prepare for what a house party was really like. Anyway it’s no biggie Noel not to worry about it now.

The real reason I write to you today Noel is that I have started seeing this girl, who by the way is absolutely gorgeous looking, fantastic body and is 23 and I'm 31, but that is beside the point. She told me recently that you and her dad look very similar, the problem is I was unable to tell if you do look alike as he doesn't have your big hair, so If you were to have it cut short but keep the beard so I can see the resemblance, I in turn will send you 5 pounds sterling. Deal or no deal?

Yours sincerely

O. Trout

(Someone else’s mum’s bed)