Kate Middleton Duchess Of Cambridge and Prince William Duke Of Cambridge

Dear Kate and Wills, 

You don’t mind me calling you Kate and Wills do you? I know you’re royalty but I just wanted to address you like normal people, rather than put you on some kind of pedestal.

Well firstly I would like to say congratulations to you both on the birth of your son, bit gutted you didn't call him Sid as I had that name in the sweepstake at work, could have won 25 quid, but hey you win some you lose some.

I hope you’re both enjoying these precious early days with your child and are getting the privacy you deserve. Mind you it’s not like the British press to intrude too much, in fact how strange is this, on the actual day of the birth there wasn't anything else happening in the world, no other news whatsoever, spooky huh? Also there was a report on the radio that you had in fact arrived at the hospital by car, now is this true because I was shocked. I know most women who are about to go into labour arrive by parachute.

This obviously wouldn't be for a couple months, but my sister has a nine month old boy and she said to ask Kate if she would like to go with her to buggy fit on a Wednesday morning at Burys Field Park in Godalming. Maybe while they're doing that Wills we can go for a Wetherspoons breakfast in town and who knows possibly a cheeky pint. Let me know.

Yours Sincerely,

O. J Trout

(The Grand Old Duke Of Godalming)

Bill Oddie Birdwatcher, Broadcaster, Presenter, Actor and Writer

Dear Mr Oddie,

You’re obviously well known for your extensive knowledge on wildlife and love of birds etc. I wondered though, has it always been this way? The reason I ask this Bill (Do you mind if I call you Bill?) Is because I really used to despise them, waking me up at knob o'clock with their incessant tweeting. It got so bad that I started a vendetta with this one bird who would sit on the tree in my garden every morning coo-cooing. In the end I felt I had little choice but to purchase a rifle and shoot it.

In the aftermath of my actions I felt bad and thought I should take the time to find out more about our feathered friends in the hope that I could form some compassion towards them. At the end of the day anything that fly’s whether that be a bird a plane or superman really is quite amazing. The more I learnt about them the more my fascination grew and now I can happily say I'm a fully fledged member of Birdworld in Farnham.

I really wish I could get more people to see how fascinating these creatures are, I was delighted the other week when a few of the lads from work invited me down the local park to do some bird watching. Imagine my embarrassment Bill when I turned up in all the bird watching gear including binoculars and telescope only to find out they meant looking at women, I felt like a right tit. Now everyone at work thinks I'm a pervert and lunchtimes have become quite a lonely affair.

If you ever want to chat about birds, or women for that matter tweet me @Ilovebirdsandwomen.

Take it easy

Ollie Trout

Passenger Singer Songwriter

Dear Mr Rosenberg (Passenger)

I'm not sure what the reason behind the name passenger is, I think it is because you were in a band called passenger before you went solo and decided to carry on using the name passenger as a one piece, am I correct? Did you know that passenger is in fact my nickname? It all comes from me not being able to drive and poncing lifts off people, always sitting in the passenger seat…….get it? When I'm not being a passenger in someone else’s car I'm being a passenger travelling on public transport such as buses, trains, planes and anything else that entails being a passenger. So that is why I'm called passenger, hence the name passenger…….you don’t care do you.

Anyway, although I do like your song Let Her Go, after hearing it three times a day on the radio at work it’s becoming rather annoying. So I've decided to change the station in order to not hear it ever again. The trouble is I think now it’s gone from my life I might miss it, because as the saying goes….you only miss a song once you've changed the station.

All the best

Ollie Trout (Passenger)

Andy Murray Tennis Player

Dear Mr Murray,

I wanted to say firstly, congratulations on winning Wimbledon, it really is a wonderful achievement and you should be proud. I know it’s not like this country to overreact about anything whether that is the snow, the heat or the first British man to win Wimbledon in 77 years but people calling for you to get a knighthood might be stretching it a little too far.

Now Andy (I'm all right to call you Andy aren't I?) you know when people say where were you and what were you doing when an historical or tragic moment happened such as the death of Diana, 9/11, or when Scotland last qualified for the World Cup. When people ask me in years to come where were you and what were you doing when Andy Murray won Wimbledon?

I will say I was in a bar getting absolutely shitfaced, trying to concentrate on the screen, not knowing who was who and being thrown out after continuously shouting common Tim. Then waking up the next day in a bush remembering very little of the match or who in fact had actually won. That’s something to tell the grandkids eh Andy.

All the best

Oliver Trout

(Long standing member of the All England Lawn Tennis Club)

George Michael Singer Songwriter

Dear Mr Michaels,

Firstly I just want to say I hope you have fully recovered from your latest motor related setback. You know I think it’s amazing how people are quick to judge you and take the piss, but I’m not going to jump on that bandwagon today George (Don’t mind if I call you George do you?) as I have total sympathy for you.

Last Christmas I was out learning to drive with my then girlfriend, it was going well, in fact too well, I thought I was absolutely flawless, I felt alive, almost like I was driving towards the edge of heaven, but within moments I went from thinking I was Jesus, to a child, because for some inexplicable reason I decided to lean over and mutter sweet nothings in my girlfriends ear, it turned out to be a careless whisper, because suddenly wham! Straight into a bollard, I tried spinning the wheel frantically but it was too late. Maybe if I had gone a different corner it wouldn’t have happened but what’s done is done, luckily no one was seriously injured. If only I had a father figure to turn to now because the problem I have is I’m afraid to get back in a car and learn to drive, but it is something I need to do, it gives you that freedom to do what you want. I should at least give it one more try, I just need to have a bit of faith in myself.

I guess the point I’m trying to make George is that everyone has done something stupid in a car whether that be as a driver or a passenger, so don’t feel like you’re alone in this. If you ever need someone to talk to about it, I’m your man.

All the best

Ollie Trout

Christian Jessen Doctor and Television Presenter

Dear Dr Jessen,

I used to tune in to your show Embarrassing bodies quite regularly as it made me feel better about my appearance and cheered me up if I’d had a shit day, but over time I stopped as I realised that I wasn't any less freaky than some of your patients.

The reason I say this Christian (I can call you Christian can’t I?)  is that one day not too long ago when I looked down I noticed that my shin bones on each leg were very large and flat, when I then compared them to other shins I realised that I was the only one who had this disorder. Since then my life has become miserable, I can’t enjoy summer like normal people as I won’t wear shorts because I'm afraid people will point and laugh. My work colleagues have now found out and they say things to me like shin up and call me names such as Shinbig, Shindlers List and Shin Jong-Un. I fell asleep in the staff room the other day and when I woke I found plates, cups and all sorts from the store cupboard balancing on my shins, I felt like a laughing stock.  

I don’t know if you have seen this before on any other patient Christian, but if there is any advice or help you can give me to deal with this it will be much appreciated, because it really is weighing me down.

Thank you

Ollie Trout

(Shincliffe)