Mark Foster Ex British Swimmer

Dear Mr Foster,  

I have just found out recently that we are in fact related. I've always admired you as a sportsman so I'm delighted to get this news. I was also a good a swimmer when I was young so there must be something in the blood, unfortunately I had to stop because the training at the club used to clash with my paper round job. Anyway it’s a shame I didn't know you was my nan’s cousin’s grandson before as we could have arranged a family get together or something. Having said that Mark (I presume it’s ok to call you Mark?) if you haven’t any plans for Christmas yet, you’re more than welcome to join us round my mum’s house in Chessington. As you’re family I imagine you also have a Turkey dinner and a few drinks, so it will be nothing out of the ordinary for you.

I'm guessing you are thinking I better bring a few presents or something but honestly Mark I don’t want anything much, I’ll leave a little list below just in case though. Let me know what you’re up to and we’ll arrange times and stuff.

My Christmas list

New Audi A7 Sportback RS7 (not too bothered about colour but would prefer silver).

Armani Collezioni classic Cashmere slim fit coat (Try House of Frazer).

New watch- Anything by Rolex really, maybe The Oyster Perpetual 42 mm White Gold Sky-Dweller with two time zones and innovative annual calendar, but not too fussed.

All expenses paid holiday to the Caribbean (preferably two weeks around June next year) Go to destinology.co.uk and click on luxury holidays Caribbean and any of those will do.  

Hope that gives you a bit of an idea Mark, as I said don’t go mad, just one or two from the list. Look forward to seeing you Christmas day.

All the best

O. Trout

(Your nan’s cousin’s grandson)

  

Brian May Musician Singer and Songwriter

Dear Mr May, 

I am a great admirer of your work with Queen and all the great songs you have been involved with over the years, you've worked tremendously hard to get where you are, which is more than I can say for the actual Queen, I mean what has she contributed to music, absolutely bollox all is what. I can never understand people who just sit on their arse all day doing nothing and its decent, honest, hard-working people like me and you paying for it!! Learn to play an instrument or campaign to save badgers for fuck sake!!

The reason I write to you today Brian May (May I call you Brian May?) is that you have obviously been involved in music for years as we know and more recently have become involved with badgers, now you won’t believe this but I am an aspiring musician with a love of badgers, I have just finished an album called ‘Badger love’ which consists of songs just about badgers and I'm sure you’ll be very interested in hearing it, the track listing is as follows;

1. Badger me softly
2. When a man loves a badger
3. Tadger in my badger
4. I see you badger (shaking that arse)
5. It doesn't matter if your black and white
6. I want your badger
7. Wild thing
8. Too busy thinking about my badger
9. Prickly heat
10. Come back to me badger
11. Locked up for the love of a badger

Now I've only got one copy at the moment so I'm unable to send you one but as soon as I have a spare one I’ll send it to you, just try and be patient. Also if you’re interested in collaborating on new badger material in the future I'm more than happy to do so, I think with both of our musical talent we could produce something special.

I look forward to hearing from you Brian May.

O. Trout

(HM Prison High Down)

Lady Gaga Pop Singer

Dear Miss Gaga, 

I watched your performance the other week on the X Factor and I have to say I was disappointed to see you had to perform in just your bra and knickers. This wouldn't be the first time this has happened and if I were you, I would be seriously considering getting a new wardrobe team as they keep forgetting to bring your outfit with them and poor you has to go out and sing with just your underwear on. I mean what are they getting paid for if they can’t do a simple job like this, it does no favours to your dignity whatsoever. I know exactly how you must have felt because I had a similar experience back in my school days when my mum forgot to pack my PE kit and I was made to do it in just my white pants and vest, not only that but I had a bad case of the trots as well, that was a tough day I can tell you.

Now Miss Gaga, I was wondering if you can help me, whenever I'm playing cards with the boys once a month I can’t seem to get my poker face right and I'm getting found out quite easily, leaving me nearly skint two days after pay-day. Now I know you have perfected the art of the poker face as you told everyone a few years back, so if you could possibly spare a little bit of time to help me get mine right I would be very grateful. The other week I was trying so hard to get it right that I left my cards upright on the table, so embarrassing. Also if you’re not too busy maybe you can teach me how to actually play the game as well, because to be honest Miss Gaga I don’t really have a clue, I mean I would sound a bit of a knob if I told the boys that now after nearly a year of playing it. Actually thinking about it maybe my poker face isn't the problem because they don’t know I can’t play poker, they just think I'm really shit. How foolish are they!!

Bye

O. Trout (AKA brown pants)

Michael Parkinson Broadcaster Journalist Author

Dear Mr Parkinson,

I wondered if possibly you would be kind enough to do me a favour. I have an addiction to doodling, which if you didn't know is where you have a need to scribble on something with a pen, that could be on paper, walls, desks anywhere you can find.

Now I know you do that advert on the television for life insurance for over fifties, in this you give away a free parker pen for people who enquire about it. I have tried to get one but unfortunately I don’t qualify because I'm only 30. Is there any way you could send me one? The reason I ask this is because my missus has removed all pens from my house, the local shops won’t serve me any as I am on ink watch and I owe money to people who sell pens on the black market. I know you’re a respectable figure but I'm asking you please Michael (Do you mind me calling you Michael?) I'm a desperate man in need of a scribble. If you send me this pen I promise once the inks gone I’ll get help. I've tried before Michael but people won’t take me seriously, I even went on Jeremy Kyle but he just told me to put something on the end of it. I don’t want to blackmail you or anything Michael but if you don’t send me a parker I may have to steal and people could get hurt.

My address is at the top of the page, do the right thing Parky and send me a parker.

Yours sincerely,

O. Trout

P.S If when this is over you would like to interview me I'm free most days except Friday.

Sir Bruce Forsyth Television Presenter and Entertainer

Dear Mr Forsyth,

Having tuned in to watch Strictly Come Dancing the other night, I noticed you were still very much alive and kicking, ok maybe not kicking but alive, so it is a credit to you that you’re still presenting and performing at your age. I do want to say though if you do have trouble reading off the Autocue, don’t worry people will be patient and if you’re concerned that recycling old jokes week in and week out is a problem, it’s fine, people understand that it’s difficult to come up with new ones. Also if you do need to sit down or go for a piss during the show don’t be embarrassed about it, Tess Daly is more than capable of doing the show alone for a bit.

Now Sir Bruce (Do you mind me calling you Sir Bruce?) as you have no plans to retire any-time soon, I was thinking perhaps you could update some of your catchphrases, below I have come up with a list of new ones you might be interested in using;

‘Me again’

‘Haven’t I done well?’

‘Nice to still be here to be here nice’

‘You get nothing for a pair….oh sorry wrong show’

‘You’re my favourites….who are you again?’

‘Give us a twirl….no seriously I need chocolate my blood sugar is right down’

What do you think Sir Bruce? I reckon that would go down a treat on Saturday night, feel free to use them as and when.

All the best

O. Trout

Penelope Keith Actress

Dear Mrs Keith,

Firstly I would like to say what a good actress I think you are. I remember watching the Good life when I was young and it left me with a feeling of warmth and happiness. All though the characters would often fall into problems they always had closeness with each other that left me thinking life was always like this. Then I grew up and realised that it was actually full of selfish tossers, broken dreams, stress and loneliness. But anyway how are you? I haven’t seen you on TV for a while.

Talking of seeing you Penelope (May I call you Penelope?) it is with my understanding that you live quite near to me in a village called Milford and there have, I've been told numerous sightings of you in the Godalming area. Now it’s been a quite a long time since I've seen a famous person close up so next time you're in the vicinity could you make yourself known a bit in the hope that I'm around to see. Don’t worry I'm not going to come up and pester you, I just want to say to whoever is with me or to myself, oh look it’s Penelope Keith picking up a banana seductively in Waitrose or look there’s Penelope Keith from To the Manor Born breaking up a fight outside Wetherspoons, or maybe oh look it’s that lady from the Good life getting chilli sauce down her top whilst eating a Doner pissed up outside Kebab centre. Failing that you could wear a name badge or swoon down the high street speaking loudly mentioning your own name.

See you around

O. Trout

(Village drunk)

Sebastian Vettel Formula 1 Driver

Dear Mr Vettel,

Having watched you racing in formula one, well I say watching, more hearing on the news you've won another race; I thought I could do a bit of that motor racing lark; the only problem is I have yet to pass my driving test. I was wondering if I can learn to drive in a racing car like yours and skip all the tests in normal cars, is that possible or do I have to start at the beginning? In fact maybe you could teach me? I know you’re busy and that but if you don’t ask you don’t get.

Also Sebastian (Do you mind me calling you Sebastian?) It really annoys me when people come out and say formula has become boring with you winning all the time. I totally disagree with all those people because in my opinion formula one was already boring.

Let me know about those lessons Seb.

Cheers

Ollie Trout