Sam Smith Singer/Songwriter

Dear Mr Smith,                         

I would like to say firstly well done on your achievements so far in the music world; it’s refreshing to see genuine talented artists such as yourself do well in a business that has been riddled with manufactured pop garbage such as One Direction. Having said that I do quite like that song they did called ‘Best Song Ever’ and that other one wasn’t bad, I think it’s called ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ not to mention ‘Stories Of My Life’ and of course who could forget ‘Live While We’re Young’ and Kiss You, especially live at the O2…..I would imagine.

Anyway Sam (Do you mind if I call you Sam?) the reason I write to you today is regarding your song Money on my mind, where you say you don’t have money on your mind and you do it for the love. Now I’m pleased for you Sam I really am but I’m in the complete opposite situation, I got money on my mind all the time, trying to pay the rent each month and the gas bills just gone up again. I can’t say I do it for the love either, I mean don’t get me wrong Sam I don’t hate my job but to be frankly honest I wouldn’t be doing it if I didn’t have to.

Now I’m not asking you for any money Sam as I’m not that kind of guy but I did wonder if I could use you the basis of your song to make a spoof music video? It will be called ‘Mummy on my mind’ and it will feature a toddler enjoying himself at nursery, the playground etc, basically saying he doesn’t have his mum on his mind because he’s having far too much fun. I’m currently in the process of writing the lyrics and I really think it could be a money spinner, what do you think?

Let me know Sam

Cheers

Oliver Trout

Kitchen Assistant

Frank Skinner Comedian

Dear Mr Skinner,                                             

You have been making people laugh for a number of years now, myself included and whenever I've been involved in a conversation about you for whatever reason in the past I haven’t heard a bad word said, so well done on that front Frank (Do you mind if I call you Frank?).

Having said all that Frank, I work in an old people’s home as a Kitchen Assistant or Chef as I like to tell people and we listen to Absolute radio most days, this is except on Saturday mornings when a few members of the kitchen team object to listening to your show. I have confronted them about this and the main reason is that you ramble on too much and not enough music is played and that you are preferred on the TV rather than the radio.

I do not share this opinion Frank and would obviously love to be listening to your show, but unfortunately I miss out every week due to the sense of humour failure of my fellow colleagues. This means every Saturday I am forced to listen to repeats of 70’s dance classics and passenger ‘let her go’ on Heart radio and quite frankly Frank I've had enough.

If there is anyway you could help me out Frank by maybe sending out a message to the kitchen crew at Sunrise senior living in Guildford, perhaps asking them to listen to your show even if it’s for one week…… wait a minute I just thought we won’t even be tuned in to hear the message because will be listening to fucking Toby Anstis on Heart, oh forget it!

Cheers Anyway

Oliver Trout

(Chef)

Roy Hodgson England Manager

Dear Mr Hodgson,                                     

I know everyone is quick to question where you went wrong and what team you should have played etc etc but I’m not going to jump on that bandwagon today Roy (Do you mind if I call you Roy?). However I would like to suggest if I may what line up you should go for on the plane home.

I think you should go with three up top, say Sterling, Sturridge and Rooney, with Rooney in the middle as an experienced flyer can settle the nerves of the other two not so experienced flyers. Behind them I think you should have the three Liverpool players Gerrard, Henderson and Johnson, they all know each other well so it will be good banter, I think Gerrard given his age should be on the aisle seat as he may need to go to toilet more than the others, better keep a check on Johnson as he may be caught sleeping quite a lot. Then I’d go with Baines, Jageilka and Lampard, this I would imagine will be an intelligent well behaved group, with plenty of reading taking place, I would have put Cahill next to Jageilka but I really don’t think they sit well together. The rest Roy I would trust your instincts on, although I would give Alex Oxlade Chamberlain plenty of leg room given the injury, maybe stick him next to Fraser Forster as the two players that didn’t feature in the world cup and they can muse about how if they played things would have been different.

Anyway Roy, it’s up to you at the end of the day, it’s not like you’ve let anyone down so far.

Safe journey

Oliver Trout

David Moyes Former Manchester United Manager

Dear Mr Moyes,  

I know you have had a difficult time of it recently what with the sacking and the constant media attention, not to mention everyone having their opinions and taking the Mickey, you must feel so trapped. I think first and foremost you should get away for a bit and clear your head, The Sun newspaper are doing their £15 holidays again so might be worth collecting the tokens for that, best to stay away from the back pages though.

Now the reason I write to you today David (Do you mind me calling you David?) is not to go on about what happened but perhaps help you to build for the future and come back stronger after this humiliation. Around 5 years ago my mate Barry was offered a senior management role at the local Co-op, when the long serving successful manager before retired after 25 years. Baz had worked his way up from being a checkout assistant and the former boss saw potential in him and offered him the reigns. Unfortunately for Bazza it all went tits up, profits fell, staffing levels dropped and eventually he was shown the door after just 8 months in charge. But David, despite his wife and kids leaving him, losing his family home and being diagnosed with depression, Barry after 4 and a half years of hell has recently returned to work and has a job working part-time at the local Greengrocers and after not going out of the house for years, he is now socialising at the Wetherspoons in Godalming where he chats to anyone that will listen.

So I guess what I'm saying is David, if Bazza can get back on his feet again, so can you.

Chin up

Oliver Trout

(Wetherspoons Godalming)

Tinie Tempah Rapper

Dear Mr Tempah,         

I would like to say firstly, congratulations on your achievements so far in the music world. Unfortunately only one of your songs has made it onto my I-pod so far and that is Written in the Stars and to be honest I do skip it quite a lot now, but don’t be disheartened by that, it comes down to personal taste that’s all.

Now Tinie, (May I call you Tinie?) I'm not sure whether your name was supposed to reflect your personality in any way but I have it on good terms that you haven’t got a tiny temper at all and you are a very laid back, easy going guy. The reason I know this Tinie is that a friend of a friend’s husband’s cousin’s work colleague is a good mate of yours and has revealed that back in your school days you missed a bus you used to run for and instead of reacting angrily, you just patiently sat and waited for the next one to arrive. On another occasion when you found out you had got a record deal you said to your mate ‘let’s have a toast, celebration, get a glass out’, but your friend was unable to find any clean glasses and had to wash some up, but you didn't kick up at fuss, you just sat and waited calmly.

I know it’s none of my business and it’s probably too late to change your name now but I think instead of calling yourself Tinie Tempah you perhaps should have been named Large Patience, anyway no biggy.

All the best

Oliver Trout   

(Anger management counsellor)

Richard Ayoade Actor and Comedian

Dear Mr Ayoade,                

Having watched you for sometime now, that is through my television and not from a bush in your back garden, I have concluded that you are indeed a very funny man and I would firstly like to say well done on that Richard (Do you mind me calling you Richard?).

Now Richard I am an extremely funny man myself and I do mean extremely, just ask my Nepalese friend TJ, he thinks I'm hilarious, he doesn't speak much English but he gets it. Everyone at work thinks I'm funny too, they think I'm so funny that they don’t invite me on nights out with them as they feel I may spoil it by making them laugh too much, which I guess is understandable. The problem with being funny Richard and you have no doubt encountered this, is that no one ever takes you seriously even when you are trying to be, also I wondered if when you have passed on compliment to a lady..... or a man, whatever you’re into, they automatically think you’re being sarcastic.

I’d love to get together with you and discuss these issues and how we got to be so bloody funny. I am free most days except the 22^nd May when I’ll be visiting my 90 year-old Grandmother.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Oliver Trout

Kitchen Assistant

P.S This is a serious letter by the way, or is it……

Mary Berry Food Writer and Television Presenter

Dear Mrs Berry,                

I have never watched the Great British bake off as it’s not really my cup of tea and cake, but I know people who have and they tell me how good it is and how they admire your input on the show, so keep up the good work Mary (May I call you Mary?).

The reason I write to you today Mary is that we are having our own bake off competition at work on Tuesday week and wondered if you would be kind enough to judge it for us. I know you’re probably very busy cooking and you’ll have stuff in the oven and that, but if you don’t ask you don’t get.

We are Sunrise Senior Living an elderly people’s home in Peasmarsh near Guildford, so if you do come along, we might be able to sort out some kind of discount on a room for you.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Ollie Trout

Pastry Chef