Miley Cyrus Actress and singer

Dear Miss Cyrus,

One of my close friends from work has a 16 year old daughter and she is absolutely crazy about acting and singing, she has been going to a performing arts school for a few years now and had started to get really good. The reason for all this is because you are her idol and she wants to be just like you. Her performance is based solely on you and her fashion and hairstyle changes when yours does, which is a lot I presume.

Now after your antics on stage last month her parents have noticed a dramatic change in her behaviour and attitude and they are very worried that this is affecting her bid to become an actress, she is going out to nightclubs nearly every night dressing provocatively and twerking, now I’m not entirely sure what twerking is and quite frankly I don’t want to know Miley (I’m calling you Miley whether you like it or not). Her parents are at a loss of what to do as she won’t seem to listen to anyone so I have taken it upon myself to write to you today.

I would be grateful if you could tell me why all of a sudden you’re a dancing sexually with next to nothing on when you are an actress and singer with whom teenage girls look up to. I know in your song you say you can’t stop and you won’t stop but I would appreciate it if you at least tried. I would like it if you could explain this to me over dinner and a bottle of wine at the Bel and Dragon bar and restaurant in Godalming, Surrey, next Friday at 7.46pm. We don’t just have to talk about this though. Oh and wear your best going out clothes because I was thinking we could hit a nightclub after dinner. Who knows maybe you could teach me this twerking thing as well haha…….actually no, no that’s not on.

Look forward to seeing you then Miley,

Ollie Trout

Sir David Attenborough Broadcaster and Naturalist

Dear Mr Attenborough,                

I would like to say firstly what an amazing broadcaster I think you are. To still be going strong at your age is really quite remarkable and when it comes to narrating a film there is no one who can capture a moment quite like you. Actually you don’t happen to offer a service to narrate a person’s life for a day do you? Because I would love to have you do that for me, my everyday life is pretty mundane, but if I was to go out drinking all day it would make it a hell of a lot more interesting I can tell you. Let me know a price Sir David (May I call you Sir David?).

Now Sir David the reason I write to you today is that I have this Polish friend called Remek and he tells me he is having real problems with wild animals getting into his loft. He has had Lions, Tigers, Zebras and even Bears getting in there, he’s not sure if there is something attracting them, or it’s a nest, but he tells me that the noise is horrendous, they’re a damaging the house and he’s unable to go up there in case they attack him. He has tried pest control but unfortunately they don’t deal with wild animals, he’s contacted Zoo’s and animal organisations but they don’t seem to be taking him seriously. I understand you’re a busy man Sir David but is there any chance you could help him out? It is well known that you are very close to animals in general and know how to talk to them so I wondered if you could perhaps have a word with them and ask them to move on. Remek would appreciate this very much as he really is at his wits end with it all.

If you could contact me A.S.A.Y.C.O.W.Y.A.F. (As soon as you can or whenever you are able to).

Thank you

O. Trout

(Village drunk)

Ben Affleck Actor, Director and Screenwriter

Dear Mr Affleck,

I think it is terribly unfair the criticism you’re getting for being cast as the next Batman, after all you haven’t even played the part yet and already people are writing you off. Don’t get me wrong when I first heard the news I was like ‘fuck off, Ben Affleck the next Batman, you got to be kidding me’. But then I thought actually no you’re an accomplished actor and should be given a chance to prove the doubters wrong.

The reason I say this Ben (Do you mind me calling you Ben?) is that I had a similar experience back in 1998 when I played the part of a clam in my local Christmas panto, Peter Pan. I only had one line and pretty much one scene but I remember the negativity towards me before I played the part. People were saying I’d be useless as a clam and that I lacked experience for such a role. This only spurred me on though Ben, so I studied clam’s intently for weeks before and watched how they behaved and how they would talk if they could. This knowledge was to prove vital come the performance and I put in a clamtastic performance (excuse the pun). I was told after that I had delivered my lines with such elegance and grace that I was in the frame for a bigger part next year.

It just goes to show Ben if you’re willing to put the effort in and ignore the bad press then you can be a success just like I was back in 1998. Let’s be honest it couldn't go any worse than that film Gigli you did with Jennifer Lopez, awful just awful.

Good luck

O. Trout

P.S Yeah I'm not sure why there was a part for a clam in Peter Pan either.

Maria Sharapova Tennis player

Dear Miss Sharapova, 

One of my close friends has a 12 year old daughter and she is absolutely crazy about Tennis, she has been playing at her local club for a number of years and had started to get really good. The reason for all this is because you’re her idol and she wants to be just like you, the way she plays is based solely on your game, she’s dyed her hair blonde, learnt Russian and even grunts loudly on court just like you, isn’t it sweet.

Talking of sweet, that brings me to the matter in hand, ever since you have brought out your new range of gummy candies called Sugarpova, she has lost interest in Tennis and sits on the couch all day watching TV and eating sweets. Her parents have already noticed an increase in her weight and her attitude has changed dramatically. They are desperate to get their child back into the sport she was so in love with only a matter of weeks ago and really don’t know where to turn, so I have taken it upon myself to write you this letter.

I would be grateful if you could tell me why you would bring out a range of sweets when you are a sportswoman with whom young children look up to. I would like it if you could explain this to me over dinner and a bottle of wine at the Bel and Dragon bar and restaurant in Godalming, Surrey next Friday at 7.46pm. We don’t have to just talk about this though. Oh and wear your best going out clothes because I was thinking we could hit a nightclub after dinner.

Look forward to seeing you then sweet cheeks.

Ollie Trout