Olly Murs Singer Songwriter

Dear Mr Murs,    

I assume by your fairly recent song Dear Darlin that you prefer to be contacted in letter form, which is surprising and somewhat refreshing to see given the current social media frenzy we now live in.

Having said that Olly (You’re cool with me calling you Olly right?) regarding the song, I don’t really know why you didn't just call, arrange to meet and tell her face to face that you miss her. It seems a very long drawn out process for you to write a letter telling her, especially with the postal service the way it is these days, how would you know she got the letter ok. Why not a Facebook message or What’s App least you know if she had seen it or not and then if she doesn't reply you can start to move on properly. You did mention that it was short and sweet so maybe there’s a reason for that, but at the end of the day no one knows what you went through so I can’t interfere too much.

Sorry to go on but I do have another query Olly, if your hands were shaking so much why were you trying to write you silly Billy! I understand you want to get this letter done and sent off but at least wait and until you've calmed down a bit. A badly written letter in my opinion just shows that not a lot of effort has been put in. If your hands were in fact shaking due to the fact you have an early case of Parkinson’s disease then I apologise wholeheartedly.

All the best

O. Trout

(Royal Mail)

Tom Daley Professional Diver

Dear Mr Daley, 

I just want to say firstly for you to come out as a homosexual on a Youtube video really must have taken a lot of courage to do, so I commend you for that. It did come as little surprise to me though Tom (Don’t mind if I call you Tom do you?) as it was my understanding, correct me if I'm wrong that you had to be gay to be involved in the professional sport of diving?

I would also like to add my input regarding the video itself, as much as it must have been difficult for you to do and with it being a serious subject, I do think on the whole it lacked creativity and humour. I think Tom to make it funnier you could have had your boyfriend bring you breakfast in bed halfway through with a pink thong on, or maybe had posters of half naked men up on your wall in the background just to make people aware before you got to the point. Another scenario could have had your mum or a member of your family interrupting halfway through and saying ‘You’re are gay! When were you planning on telling me’ or something like that, but what really would have made it for me would have been if you had done the whole video dressed like Daffyd from Little Britain, honestly it would have been hilarious.

Look I understand this was a sensitive subject and on the whole you delivered it very well but I'm a firm believer that humour in any situation makes everything better, with the exception of a funeral maybe, probably best to wait until after the service for any jokes about the deceased, you don’t want to be in that situation believe me. I guess what I'm saying is if you can’t laugh at yourself eh Tom.

All the best

O. Trout

Anne Robinson Television Presenter and Journalist

Dear Mrs Robinson,

I was round visiting my 90 year-old Grandmother the other day and after I’d eaten her out of biscuits we decided to watch a bit of TV, we came across your show The Weakest Link, now either of us had seen it before but thought we’d give it a go as there was nothing else on, plus who doesn't like a nice friendly early evening quiz show to lighten the mood.

In the hour that followed we were utterly appalled at the way you spoke to the contestants on the show, how on earth the BBC allow this to be aired is beyond me. My Grandmother and I couldn't believe what we were seeing. You asked the contestants to introduce themselves and then you just ridiculed them about their occupation and appearance, amongst other things. Yes some of them were tossers but you as a host of a prime time quiz show should have been more mature in letting it slide. Then when one of them got a question wrong you absolutely slaughtered them, I mean that’s hardly going to give them confidence for the next round of questions. Then just when we thought you couldn't be any more vicious, when one of the contestants was voted out you just said ‘you are the weakest link goodbye’. There was none of this hard luck, you did really well and thanks for being on the show!!

Now I have already sent a strongly worded letter to points of view about this but I am so disgusted that I thought I’d write to you directly. I very much doubt I will get a reply as you don’t seem a particularly nice person Anne (I'm calling you Anne whether you like it or not). I have to say my Grandmother did make a good point when she said; how would she like it if someone was to call her a shrivelled up ginger, botox induced cunt with a face like a hippo’s arse and she’s right how would you like it Anne?

Yours sincerely,

O. Trout

  

Mark Foster Ex British Swimmer

Dear Mr Foster,  

I have just found out recently that we are in fact related. I've always admired you as a sportsman so I'm delighted to get this news. I was also a good a swimmer when I was young so there must be something in the blood, unfortunately I had to stop because the training at the club used to clash with my paper round job. Anyway it’s a shame I didn't know you was my nan’s cousin’s grandson before as we could have arranged a family get together or something. Having said that Mark (I presume it’s ok to call you Mark?) if you haven’t any plans for Christmas yet, you’re more than welcome to join us round my mum’s house in Chessington. As you’re family I imagine you also have a Turkey dinner and a few drinks, so it will be nothing out of the ordinary for you.

I'm guessing you are thinking I better bring a few presents or something but honestly Mark I don’t want anything much, I’ll leave a little list below just in case though. Let me know what you’re up to and we’ll arrange times and stuff.

My Christmas list

New Audi A7 Sportback RS7 (not too bothered about colour but would prefer silver).

Armani Collezioni classic Cashmere slim fit coat (Try House of Frazer).

New watch- Anything by Rolex really, maybe The Oyster Perpetual 42 mm White Gold Sky-Dweller with two time zones and innovative annual calendar, but not too fussed.

All expenses paid holiday to the Caribbean (preferably two weeks around June next year) Go to destinology.co.uk and click on luxury holidays Caribbean and any of those will do.  

Hope that gives you a bit of an idea Mark, as I said don’t go mad, just one or two from the list. Look forward to seeing you Christmas day.

All the best

O. Trout

(Your nan’s cousin’s grandson)

  

Brian May Musician Singer and Songwriter

Dear Mr May, 

I am a great admirer of your work with Queen and all the great songs you have been involved with over the years, you've worked tremendously hard to get where you are, which is more than I can say for the actual Queen, I mean what has she contributed to music, absolutely bollox all is what. I can never understand people who just sit on their arse all day doing nothing and its decent, honest, hard-working people like me and you paying for it!! Learn to play an instrument or campaign to save badgers for fuck sake!!

The reason I write to you today Brian May (May I call you Brian May?) is that you have obviously been involved in music for years as we know and more recently have become involved with badgers, now you won’t believe this but I am an aspiring musician with a love of badgers, I have just finished an album called ‘Badger love’ which consists of songs just about badgers and I'm sure you’ll be very interested in hearing it, the track listing is as follows;

1. Badger me softly
2. When a man loves a badger
3. Tadger in my badger
4. I see you badger (shaking that arse)
5. It doesn't matter if your black and white
6. I want your badger
7. Wild thing
8. Too busy thinking about my badger
9. Prickly heat
10. Come back to me badger
11. Locked up for the love of a badger

Now I've only got one copy at the moment so I'm unable to send you one but as soon as I have a spare one I’ll send it to you, just try and be patient. Also if you’re interested in collaborating on new badger material in the future I'm more than happy to do so, I think with both of our musical talent we could produce something special.

I look forward to hearing from you Brian May.

O. Trout

(HM Prison High Down)

Lady Gaga Pop Singer

Dear Miss Gaga, 

I watched your performance the other week on the X Factor and I have to say I was disappointed to see you had to perform in just your bra and knickers. This wouldn't be the first time this has happened and if I were you, I would be seriously considering getting a new wardrobe team as they keep forgetting to bring your outfit with them and poor you has to go out and sing with just your underwear on. I mean what are they getting paid for if they can’t do a simple job like this, it does no favours to your dignity whatsoever. I know exactly how you must have felt because I had a similar experience back in my school days when my mum forgot to pack my PE kit and I was made to do it in just my white pants and vest, not only that but I had a bad case of the trots as well, that was a tough day I can tell you.

Now Miss Gaga, I was wondering if you can help me, whenever I'm playing cards with the boys once a month I can’t seem to get my poker face right and I'm getting found out quite easily, leaving me nearly skint two days after pay-day. Now I know you have perfected the art of the poker face as you told everyone a few years back, so if you could possibly spare a little bit of time to help me get mine right I would be very grateful. The other week I was trying so hard to get it right that I left my cards upright on the table, so embarrassing. Also if you’re not too busy maybe you can teach me how to actually play the game as well, because to be honest Miss Gaga I don’t really have a clue, I mean I would sound a bit of a knob if I told the boys that now after nearly a year of playing it. Actually thinking about it maybe my poker face isn't the problem because they don’t know I can’t play poker, they just think I'm really shit. How foolish are they!!

Bye

O. Trout (AKA brown pants)

Michael Parkinson Broadcaster Journalist Author

Dear Mr Parkinson,

I wondered if possibly you would be kind enough to do me a favour. I have an addiction to doodling, which if you didn't know is where you have a need to scribble on something with a pen, that could be on paper, walls, desks anywhere you can find.

Now I know you do that advert on the television for life insurance for over fifties, in this you give away a free parker pen for people who enquire about it. I have tried to get one but unfortunately I don’t qualify because I'm only 30. Is there any way you could send me one? The reason I ask this is because my missus has removed all pens from my house, the local shops won’t serve me any as I am on ink watch and I owe money to people who sell pens on the black market. I know you’re a respectable figure but I'm asking you please Michael (Do you mind me calling you Michael?) I'm a desperate man in need of a scribble. If you send me this pen I promise once the inks gone I’ll get help. I've tried before Michael but people won’t take me seriously, I even went on Jeremy Kyle but he just told me to put something on the end of it. I don’t want to blackmail you or anything Michael but if you don’t send me a parker I may have to steal and people could get hurt.

My address is at the top of the page, do the right thing Parky and send me a parker.

Yours sincerely,

O. Trout

P.S If when this is over you would like to interview me I'm free most days except Friday.