Noel Edmonds Broadcaster Presenter

Dear Mr Edmonds,  

I remember watching your show Noel’s House Party when I was younger and I used to think to myself I hope I get invited to a house party when I'm older it looks like so much fun, little did I know that this was all a smokescreen and when I did eventually start going to house parties, not once did I see a big pink clumsy figure with yellow spots and jiggling eyes shouting blobby and bumping into things, it just consisted of excessive drinking, drugs, sex in someone else’s mum’s bed, fag burns in the carpet, uninvited guests and complaints from the neighbours. Now as much as all of that was enjoyable Noel (Do you mind me calling you Noel?) Some of these things could have been added to the show in order for youngsters like me back then to prepare for what a house party was really like. Anyway it’s no biggie Noel not to worry about it now.

The real reason I write to you today Noel is that I have started seeing this girl, who by the way is absolutely gorgeous looking, fantastic body and is 23 and I'm 31, but that is beside the point. She told me recently that you and her dad look very similar, the problem is I was unable to tell if you do look alike as he doesn't have your big hair, so If you were to have it cut short but keep the beard so I can see the resemblance, I in turn will send you 5 pounds sterling. Deal or no deal?

Yours sincerely

O. Trout

(Someone else’s mum’s bed) 

Dynamo Magician

Dear Dynamo, 

I really love all that magic stuff you do and I am often left in awe when watching your programmes. You make Paul Daniels look like a bit of dick now when seeing some of the tricks you do. It’s almost fitting as well that with your name being Dynamo that you would become a magician or some kind of entertainer. That time you walked on water was quite incredible, people always bang on about that Jesus guy doing it, but I never saw any evidence, least you actually got yours on film.

Now after seeing you perform I thought I would give a magic a go and started an evening course ‘magic for beginners’, after a few weeks I thought I was getting somewhere until one night I was performing an act in which I had to have my eyes shut, when I opened them everyone including the teacher had disappeared. I subsequently lost my confidence in the whole thing and decided it just wasn't for me. It didn't help that my name is Ollie Trout, it just doesn't have that magical appeal like Dynamo.

One thing I have perfected and would like to thank you for is that walk away thing you do at the end of performing your act, where people are left wondering where you've gone. I do get accused of being quite rude though as I often leave conversations before they've finished.

All the best

Ollie Trout

(Kitchen Assistant)

Paddy Mcguinness Television Presenter and Comedy Actor

Dear Mr Mcguinness, 

You have been around for some time now and have enjoyed a successful career, most notably in the early days for your work with Peter Kay, starring in the great Phoenix Nights and of course Max and Paddy’s Road to Nowhere, not to mention a bit of stand up on the way. The thing that slightly concerns me Paddy (You’re ok with me calling you Paddy right?) is that after all this you’re probably only going to be remembered for saying ‘No lighty no likey’ on your dating show Take me out and having worked in an old people’s home for a few years now it sounds like something the residents shout when they’re starting to lose their marbles. Haha I can actually imagine you in your last days shouting that to the nurses.

Anyway going back to Take me out, I was wondering if I could take part in your show, I am a 30 year-old single male 5ft 10” brown hair blue eyes and a dick head. I'm seeking to find women who are either shallow, desperate, stupid or annoying but fit. I have been single for nearly a year now and I struggle to find these sorts of girls when I’m out with my friends who are also dick heads. I feel like your show would be perfect for me to have a cheeky fling and a holiday but who knows maybe something more.

I am also excellent in making a tit out of myself in front of women and have a good example of this back in 2001. I was on holiday with my friends in Magaluf and one evening unbeknown to me my friends put me forward for some man contest on a stage in front of hundreds of people, if I remember correctly there were around 8 guys and we had to do some challenge and the weakest in each round would get voted off until an eventual winner was crowned. I somehow managed to get through the first round which was to down a pint, now I am shit at that but some other guy was worse and got voted off. The next round was to reveal a chat up line to the lady hosting the event, no problem I thought as I’d remembered a good one I’d heard some years back, but to my horror the guy before me said my chat up line and it was met with lots of laughs. Now it was my turn and I had nothing to say and in my complete panic just said ‘show me your fuck face’ the lady looked at me in shame repeated it out to the crowd and it was met with a stunned silence, needless to say I was voted off and I trudged off stage with my tail between my legs. Not suggesting I have a tail Paddy but you know what I mean.

After this embarrassing incident nothing really fazes me so I think I would be a great candidate for your show. Also the ironic thing is I once worked as a light fitter in my local town and if people didn't’t like us we wouldn't put their lights up so that could get a special mention on the show too. I look forward to your response Paddy.

All the best

O. Trout

Olly Murs Singer Songwriter

Dear Mr Murs,    

I assume by your fairly recent song Dear Darlin that you prefer to be contacted in letter form, which is surprising and somewhat refreshing to see given the current social media frenzy we now live in.

Having said that Olly (You’re cool with me calling you Olly right?) regarding the song, I don’t really know why you didn't just call, arrange to meet and tell her face to face that you miss her. It seems a very long drawn out process for you to write a letter telling her, especially with the postal service the way it is these days, how would you know she got the letter ok. Why not a Facebook message or What’s App least you know if she had seen it or not and then if she doesn't reply you can start to move on properly. You did mention that it was short and sweet so maybe there’s a reason for that, but at the end of the day no one knows what you went through so I can’t interfere too much.

Sorry to go on but I do have another query Olly, if your hands were shaking so much why were you trying to write you silly Billy! I understand you want to get this letter done and sent off but at least wait and until you've calmed down a bit. A badly written letter in my opinion just shows that not a lot of effort has been put in. If your hands were in fact shaking due to the fact you have an early case of Parkinson’s disease then I apologise wholeheartedly.

All the best

O. Trout

(Royal Mail)

Tom Daley Professional Diver

Dear Mr Daley, 

I just want to say firstly for you to come out as a homosexual on a Youtube video really must have taken a lot of courage to do, so I commend you for that. It did come as little surprise to me though Tom (Don’t mind if I call you Tom do you?) as it was my understanding, correct me if I'm wrong that you had to be gay to be involved in the professional sport of diving?

I would also like to add my input regarding the video itself, as much as it must have been difficult for you to do and with it being a serious subject, I do think on the whole it lacked creativity and humour. I think Tom to make it funnier you could have had your boyfriend bring you breakfast in bed halfway through with a pink thong on, or maybe had posters of half naked men up on your wall in the background just to make people aware before you got to the point. Another scenario could have had your mum or a member of your family interrupting halfway through and saying ‘You’re are gay! When were you planning on telling me’ or something like that, but what really would have made it for me would have been if you had done the whole video dressed like Daffyd from Little Britain, honestly it would have been hilarious.

Look I understand this was a sensitive subject and on the whole you delivered it very well but I'm a firm believer that humour in any situation makes everything better, with the exception of a funeral maybe, probably best to wait until after the service for any jokes about the deceased, you don’t want to be in that situation believe me. I guess what I'm saying is if you can’t laugh at yourself eh Tom.

All the best

O. Trout

Anne Robinson Television Presenter and Journalist

Dear Mrs Robinson,

I was round visiting my 90 year-old Grandmother the other day and after I’d eaten her out of biscuits we decided to watch a bit of TV, we came across your show The Weakest Link, now either of us had seen it before but thought we’d give it a go as there was nothing else on, plus who doesn't like a nice friendly early evening quiz show to lighten the mood.

In the hour that followed we were utterly appalled at the way you spoke to the contestants on the show, how on earth the BBC allow this to be aired is beyond me. My Grandmother and I couldn't believe what we were seeing. You asked the contestants to introduce themselves and then you just ridiculed them about their occupation and appearance, amongst other things. Yes some of them were tossers but you as a host of a prime time quiz show should have been more mature in letting it slide. Then when one of them got a question wrong you absolutely slaughtered them, I mean that’s hardly going to give them confidence for the next round of questions. Then just when we thought you couldn't be any more vicious, when one of the contestants was voted out you just said ‘you are the weakest link goodbye’. There was none of this hard luck, you did really well and thanks for being on the show!!

Now I have already sent a strongly worded letter to points of view about this but I am so disgusted that I thought I’d write to you directly. I very much doubt I will get a reply as you don’t seem a particularly nice person Anne (I'm calling you Anne whether you like it or not). I have to say my Grandmother did make a good point when she said; how would she like it if someone was to call her a shrivelled up ginger, botox induced cunt with a face like a hippo’s arse and she’s right how would you like it Anne?

Yours sincerely,

O. Trout

  

Mark Foster Ex British Swimmer

Dear Mr Foster,  

I have just found out recently that we are in fact related. I've always admired you as a sportsman so I'm delighted to get this news. I was also a good a swimmer when I was young so there must be something in the blood, unfortunately I had to stop because the training at the club used to clash with my paper round job. Anyway it’s a shame I didn't know you was my nan’s cousin’s grandson before as we could have arranged a family get together or something. Having said that Mark (I presume it’s ok to call you Mark?) if you haven’t any plans for Christmas yet, you’re more than welcome to join us round my mum’s house in Chessington. As you’re family I imagine you also have a Turkey dinner and a few drinks, so it will be nothing out of the ordinary for you.

I'm guessing you are thinking I better bring a few presents or something but honestly Mark I don’t want anything much, I’ll leave a little list below just in case though. Let me know what you’re up to and we’ll arrange times and stuff.

My Christmas list

New Audi A7 Sportback RS7 (not too bothered about colour but would prefer silver).

Armani Collezioni classic Cashmere slim fit coat (Try House of Frazer).

New watch- Anything by Rolex really, maybe The Oyster Perpetual 42 mm White Gold Sky-Dweller with two time zones and innovative annual calendar, but not too fussed.

All expenses paid holiday to the Caribbean (preferably two weeks around June next year) Go to destinology.co.uk and click on luxury holidays Caribbean and any of those will do.  

Hope that gives you a bit of an idea Mark, as I said don’t go mad, just one or two from the list. Look forward to seeing you Christmas day.

All the best

O. Trout

(Your nan’s cousin’s grandson)