Brian May Musician Singer and Songwriter

Dear Mr May, 

I am a great admirer of your work with Queen and all the great songs you have been involved with over the years, you've worked tremendously hard to get where you are, which is more than I can say for the actual Queen, I mean what has she contributed to music, absolutely bollox all is what. I can never understand people who just sit on their arse all day doing nothing and its decent, honest, hard-working people like me and you paying for it!! Learn to play an instrument or campaign to save badgers for fuck sake!!

The reason I write to you today Brian May (May I call you Brian May?) is that you have obviously been involved in music for years as we know and more recently have become involved with badgers, now you won’t believe this but I am an aspiring musician with a love of badgers, I have just finished an album called ‘Badger love’ which consists of songs just about badgers and I'm sure you’ll be very interested in hearing it, the track listing is as follows;

1. Badger me softly
2. When a man loves a badger
3. Tadger in my badger
4. I see you badger (shaking that arse)
5. It doesn't matter if your black and white
6. I want your badger
7. Wild thing
8. Too busy thinking about my badger
9. Prickly heat
10. Come back to me badger
11. Locked up for the love of a badger

Now I've only got one copy at the moment so I'm unable to send you one but as soon as I have a spare one I’ll send it to you, just try and be patient. Also if you’re interested in collaborating on new badger material in the future I'm more than happy to do so, I think with both of our musical talent we could produce something special.

I look forward to hearing from you Brian May.

O. Trout

(HM Prison High Down)

Lady Gaga Pop Singer

Dear Miss Gaga, 

I watched your performance the other week on the X Factor and I have to say I was disappointed to see you had to perform in just your bra and knickers. This wouldn't be the first time this has happened and if I were you, I would be seriously considering getting a new wardrobe team as they keep forgetting to bring your outfit with them and poor you has to go out and sing with just your underwear on. I mean what are they getting paid for if they can’t do a simple job like this, it does no favours to your dignity whatsoever. I know exactly how you must have felt because I had a similar experience back in my school days when my mum forgot to pack my PE kit and I was made to do it in just my white pants and vest, not only that but I had a bad case of the trots as well, that was a tough day I can tell you.

Now Miss Gaga, I was wondering if you can help me, whenever I'm playing cards with the boys once a month I can’t seem to get my poker face right and I'm getting found out quite easily, leaving me nearly skint two days after pay-day. Now I know you have perfected the art of the poker face as you told everyone a few years back, so if you could possibly spare a little bit of time to help me get mine right I would be very grateful. The other week I was trying so hard to get it right that I left my cards upright on the table, so embarrassing. Also if you’re not too busy maybe you can teach me how to actually play the game as well, because to be honest Miss Gaga I don’t really have a clue, I mean I would sound a bit of a knob if I told the boys that now after nearly a year of playing it. Actually thinking about it maybe my poker face isn't the problem because they don’t know I can’t play poker, they just think I'm really shit. How foolish are they!!

Bye

O. Trout (AKA brown pants)

Michael Parkinson Broadcaster Journalist Author

Dear Mr Parkinson,

I wondered if possibly you would be kind enough to do me a favour. I have an addiction to doodling, which if you didn't know is where you have a need to scribble on something with a pen, that could be on paper, walls, desks anywhere you can find.

Now I know you do that advert on the television for life insurance for over fifties, in this you give away a free parker pen for people who enquire about it. I have tried to get one but unfortunately I don’t qualify because I'm only 30. Is there any way you could send me one? The reason I ask this is because my missus has removed all pens from my house, the local shops won’t serve me any as I am on ink watch and I owe money to people who sell pens on the black market. I know you’re a respectable figure but I'm asking you please Michael (Do you mind me calling you Michael?) I'm a desperate man in need of a scribble. If you send me this pen I promise once the inks gone I’ll get help. I've tried before Michael but people won’t take me seriously, I even went on Jeremy Kyle but he just told me to put something on the end of it. I don’t want to blackmail you or anything Michael but if you don’t send me a parker I may have to steal and people could get hurt.

My address is at the top of the page, do the right thing Parky and send me a parker.

Yours sincerely,

O. Trout

P.S If when this is over you would like to interview me I'm free most days except Friday.