Dynamo Magician

Dear Dynamo, 

I really love all that magic stuff you do and I am often left in awe when watching your programmes. You make Paul Daniels look like a bit of dick now when seeing some of the tricks you do. It’s almost fitting as well that with your name being Dynamo that you would become a magician or some kind of entertainer. That time you walked on water was quite incredible, people always bang on about that Jesus guy doing it, but I never saw any evidence, least you actually got yours on film.

Now after seeing you perform I thought I would give a magic a go and started an evening course ‘magic for beginners’, after a few weeks I thought I was getting somewhere until one night I was performing an act in which I had to have my eyes shut, when I opened them everyone including the teacher had disappeared. I subsequently lost my confidence in the whole thing and decided it just wasn't for me. It didn't help that my name is Ollie Trout, it just doesn't have that magical appeal like Dynamo.

One thing I have perfected and would like to thank you for is that walk away thing you do at the end of performing your act, where people are left wondering where you've gone. I do get accused of being quite rude though as I often leave conversations before they've finished.

All the best

Ollie Trout

(Kitchen Assistant)

Paddy Mcguinness Television Presenter and Comedy Actor

Dear Mr Mcguinness, 

You have been around for some time now and have enjoyed a successful career, most notably in the early days for your work with Peter Kay, starring in the great Phoenix Nights and of course Max and Paddy’s Road to Nowhere, not to mention a bit of stand up on the way. The thing that slightly concerns me Paddy (You’re ok with me calling you Paddy right?) is that after all this you’re probably only going to be remembered for saying ‘No lighty no likey’ on your dating show Take me out and having worked in an old people’s home for a few years now it sounds like something the residents shout when they’re starting to lose their marbles. Haha I can actually imagine you in your last days shouting that to the nurses.

Anyway going back to Take me out, I was wondering if I could take part in your show, I am a 30 year-old single male 5ft 10” brown hair blue eyes and a dick head. I'm seeking to find women who are either shallow, desperate, stupid or annoying but fit. I have been single for nearly a year now and I struggle to find these sorts of girls when I’m out with my friends who are also dick heads. I feel like your show would be perfect for me to have a cheeky fling and a holiday but who knows maybe something more.

I am also excellent in making a tit out of myself in front of women and have a good example of this back in 2001. I was on holiday with my friends in Magaluf and one evening unbeknown to me my friends put me forward for some man contest on a stage in front of hundreds of people, if I remember correctly there were around 8 guys and we had to do some challenge and the weakest in each round would get voted off until an eventual winner was crowned. I somehow managed to get through the first round which was to down a pint, now I am shit at that but some other guy was worse and got voted off. The next round was to reveal a chat up line to the lady hosting the event, no problem I thought as I’d remembered a good one I’d heard some years back, but to my horror the guy before me said my chat up line and it was met with lots of laughs. Now it was my turn and I had nothing to say and in my complete panic just said ‘show me your fuck face’ the lady looked at me in shame repeated it out to the crowd and it was met with a stunned silence, needless to say I was voted off and I trudged off stage with my tail between my legs. Not suggesting I have a tail Paddy but you know what I mean.

After this embarrassing incident nothing really fazes me so I think I would be a great candidate for your show. Also the ironic thing is I once worked as a light fitter in my local town and if people didn't’t like us we wouldn't put their lights up so that could get a special mention on the show too. I look forward to your response Paddy.

All the best

O. Trout