David Moyes Former Manchester United Manager

Dear Mr Moyes,  

I know you have had a difficult time of it recently what with the sacking and the constant media attention, not to mention everyone having their opinions and taking the Mickey, you must feel so trapped. I think first and foremost you should get away for a bit and clear your head, The Sun newspaper are doing their £15 holidays again so might be worth collecting the tokens for that, best to stay away from the back pages though.

Now the reason I write to you today David (Do you mind me calling you David?) is not to go on about what happened but perhaps help you to build for the future and come back stronger after this humiliation. Around 5 years ago my mate Barry was offered a senior management role at the local Co-op, when the long serving successful manager before retired after 25 years. Baz had worked his way up from being a checkout assistant and the former boss saw potential in him and offered him the reigns. Unfortunately for Bazza it all went tits up, profits fell, staffing levels dropped and eventually he was shown the door after just 8 months in charge. But David, despite his wife and kids leaving him, losing his family home and being diagnosed with depression, Barry after 4 and a half years of hell has recently returned to work and has a job working part-time at the local Greengrocers and after not going out of the house for years, he is now socialising at the Wetherspoons in Godalming where he chats to anyone that will listen.

So I guess what I'm saying is David, if Bazza can get back on his feet again, so can you.

Chin up

Oliver Trout

(Wetherspoons Godalming)

Tinie Tempah Rapper

Dear Mr Tempah,         

I would like to say firstly, congratulations on your achievements so far in the music world. Unfortunately only one of your songs has made it onto my I-pod so far and that is Written in the Stars and to be honest I do skip it quite a lot now, but don’t be disheartened by that, it comes down to personal taste that’s all.

Now Tinie, (May I call you Tinie?) I'm not sure whether your name was supposed to reflect your personality in any way but I have it on good terms that you haven’t got a tiny temper at all and you are a very laid back, easy going guy. The reason I know this Tinie is that a friend of a friend’s husband’s cousin’s work colleague is a good mate of yours and has revealed that back in your school days you missed a bus you used to run for and instead of reacting angrily, you just patiently sat and waited for the next one to arrive. On another occasion when you found out you had got a record deal you said to your mate ‘let’s have a toast, celebration, get a glass out’, but your friend was unable to find any clean glasses and had to wash some up, but you didn't kick up at fuss, you just sat and waited calmly.

I know it’s none of my business and it’s probably too late to change your name now but I think instead of calling yourself Tinie Tempah you perhaps should have been named Large Patience, anyway no biggy.

All the best

Oliver Trout   

(Anger management counsellor)

Richard Ayoade Actor and Comedian

Dear Mr Ayoade,                

Having watched you for sometime now, that is through my television and not from a bush in your back garden, I have concluded that you are indeed a very funny man and I would firstly like to say well done on that Richard (Do you mind me calling you Richard?).

Now Richard I am an extremely funny man myself and I do mean extremely, just ask my Nepalese friend TJ, he thinks I'm hilarious, he doesn't speak much English but he gets it. Everyone at work thinks I'm funny too, they think I'm so funny that they don’t invite me on nights out with them as they feel I may spoil it by making them laugh too much, which I guess is understandable. The problem with being funny Richard and you have no doubt encountered this, is that no one ever takes you seriously even when you are trying to be, also I wondered if when you have passed on compliment to a lady..... or a man, whatever you’re into, they automatically think you’re being sarcastic.

I’d love to get together with you and discuss these issues and how we got to be so bloody funny. I am free most days except the 22^nd May when I’ll be visiting my 90 year-old Grandmother.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Oliver Trout

Kitchen Assistant

P.S This is a serious letter by the way, or is it……