Bear Grylls Adventurer, Writer and Television Presenter

Dear Mr Grylls, 

You’re a true adventurer and born survivor and I really admire the way you get yourself out of some pretty life threatening situations, people could learn a lot from you. Actually I think they probably have learnt a lot from you so forget that bit. The thing I don’t get is why in this day and age they haven’t got vending machines in the wild with light snacks and drinks in place for you to consume if you get desperate. It is something they should perhaps look into, but then comes the issue of you actually having the correct change for a Mars bar on you at the time, unless of course it is a machine that dispenses change, then your life becomes a little easier. Sorry I'm waffling on.

Now Bear (Do you mind if I call you Bear? Or would you prefer Michael as that is your actual name?) Although I have never crossed the North Atlantic, Para motored over the Himalayas or been stranded in the Australian outback, I have experienced things in my life where I have thought this must be what Bear Grylls feels like. The first incident was back in my school days when we went on a field trip to Dover Castle, I'm not sure how but I ended up losing my group and found myself alone in the countryside, after several minutes I began to panic and searched frantically for one of my friends or teachers, but to no avail. During the following minutes I began to get hungry, so I opened my lunch box and to my horror noticed that my mum had forgotten to put my sandwiches in. It was all becoming too much and I needed to get a grip, so I started to think of ways to stay alive if rescue did not surface. Thankfully after around 45 minutes and with only a packet of crisps, a yoghurt and a Mars bar consumed I was found by one of my teachers, but it was touch and go for a minute.

On another occasion back in 2006 I was holidaying with my then girlfriend on the island of Lanzarote. One day we went to the beach and I decided to go for a swim in the sea, I took with me my trusted lilo that had been everywhere with me on my ventures across Europe. Upon pushing my lilo further in before I laid on it, a sudden gust of wind took it out of my hands and blew it far out, I thought about letting it go for a second but such was my love for this lilo I was determined to get it back so I swam out after it. When I eventually caught up with it I realised I was some way from shore and even the buoy was out of reach, honestly Michael you don’t even know how alone, frightened and cold I was. Luckily a nearby boat took pity on me, gave me a Mars bar and returned me back to shore and I lived to fight another day, but it was touch and go for a minute.

Sorry I know I'm waffling again but I have got one more, this was a few years back in Benidorm on a stag do. Our first night there we went out as planned and after surviving an attack from a couple of bruisers in a bar, we carried on drinking vast amounts of alcohol. I don’t know how but I ended up on my own in the strip largely intoxicated and without a clue as to what the name of our apartment was. Having passed out in various places I woke to find I had had my wallet stolen and all my money gone. The next morning came and the scorching sun was bearing down on me, I had no money for food or drink and wondered if I’d ever see my friends again, honestly Michael you don’t even know how alone, hot and in need of water I was. After a while and feeling very weak I reached a crossroads, I had to make a decision on which way to turn, if it was the wrong one it could have been the end for me, but there suddenly in the distance and to my utter relief I saw my friends walking down the road, they bought me a fry up and a Mars bar and I lived to fight another day, but it was touch and go for a moment.

Anyway I’ll let you get on, but it just goes to show we’re not all that different me and you.

Toodle pip

O. Trout

Peter Capaldi Actor

Dear Mr Capaldi,

Congratulations on being named as the new Doctor Who, you’re a fantastic actor and deserve this opportunity.

Now I have to say I haven’t really watched a lot of Doctor Who in the past as it isn't really my cup of tea, but I have an idea that may get me and quite a few others watching. Basically Peter (Do you mind me calling you Peter?) I think you should play the role as your brilliant character in The Thick of it, Malcolm Tucker, this would mean the show would have to be broadcast a lot later in the evening due to the vast amount of swearing but I think it would be a real hit. You could say things like ‘Why don’t you get in that fucking Tardis and go back to a time when you weren't such a tosser’ and to your adversaries you could say stuff like ‘Just fuck off back to planet Skaro you Dalek prick’ or ‘Dido Humanoid, more like Dido Haemorrhoid, now fuck off out of my face’. What do you think?

You have a chat with the writers and directors of the show and I’ll have a chat with my mates down the pub and see if we can get things moving. I look forward to hearing from you Peter.

Thanks

O. Trout

Luis Suarez Footballer

Dear Mr Suarez,

I would like to say Luis (Don’t mind if I call you Luis do you?) aside from the biting of arms, the racist abuse, the diving, the conning of referees, the bad discipline,  the lack of respect to fans, fellow players and manager, you seem like an alright bloke.

Now I understand you’re unhappy at Liverpool at the moment and are looking to get a transfer, the club however are refusing to let you go. With Wayne Rooney and Gareth Bale in similar situations it’s hard not to feel sorry for you footballers. I just don’t think you get enough support, everyone is so engrossed in what’s going on in their own lives that they forget what you poor footballers are going through. There is this guy I know who lost both his legs in an accident and now is in a wheelchair, he could no longer work so he ended up struggling financially. He lost his house as he couldn't afford the mortgage and now lives in a bedsit, both his parents then died within weeks of each other, his wife left him for his brother and all the bloke does is moan. I've tried to make him see that if he takes the time to look around he’ll notice that there are people a lot worse off than him, people such as yourself for instance. I just wish there was more we could do to help.

I hope things work out for you especially as I'm a big Arsenal fan and would love to see you playing for us next season, I think the change would do you good. Having said that we also play in red and don’t win anything.

All the best

O. Trout

(Godalming bus shelter)

Justin Timberlake American Actor, Singer/Songwriter

Dear Mr Timberlake,

When that boy band you were in, I think it was called N-Sync split up back in 2002 or something like that, I thought we would never see you, JC, Chris, Joey and Lance again, not that I knew the names, somebody told me. I was obviously very upset about this; I mean someone I knew was very upset. The thought of not having N-Sync around was heartbreaking for this person. Never again would they hear classic songs such as Tearin Up My Heart, Bye Bye Bye, It’s Gonna Be Me, Pop, You Drive Me Crazy, I’ll Never Stop and This I Promise You. Least I think those were the names of the songs, I’m only going by what people have told me. Although we haven’t heard much from the others you have gone on to be very successful, so well done for that Justin. (You’re ok with me calling you Justin right?)

The reason I write to you today Justin is that I wondered if I could have a good old chin-wag with you about mirrors. There are a lot of questions I would like to ask you and also to see if you share some of my thoughts on the matter. Things like do you believe in the whole 7 years bad luck if you break one, do you think in some mirrors you look better than in others, how many mirrors do you think an average household should own, that sort of thing. You seem like you are quite knowledgeable in this area so I would love to get your opinions.

If you could perhaps meet me at the Bel and Dragon bar and restaurant in Godalming, Surrey next Friday week at 3.46pm, that would be fantastic. No need to wear a suit and tie, smart casual is fine.

All the best

O.T

Kirsty Young Crimewatch Presenter

Dear Mrs Young,

I'm writing to you today because you seem like a trustworthy person who can perhaps understand my situation. Now I'm pretty sure you would have already come across this story on Crimewatch but I'm going to explain it to you from my point of view.

My name is Oliver and just over a year ago my then girlfriend and I were driving back from a trip to Cornwall. We decided to stop for some lunch at Route 303 an American restaurant in Hointon, upon arrival the place was relatively quiet and in turn we didn't have to wait long for our food. As we were eating we noticed the place was getting busier and busier, then by the time we had finished it was full. The staff struggled to cope with this sudden onslaught and began to lose the plot, our empty plates hadn't been collected for a good 20 minutes and any hope of a dessert menu was disintegrating. When I managed to attract the attention of the waitress I asked for the bill, she said sure and off she went, a further 10 minutes went by and still no bill so I asked again and alas nothing. I didn't know it at the time but I then made a decision that would change my life forever. I decided amongst the chaos to walk out without paying as my reluctant girlfriend followed, not one member of staff noticed and we fled the scene quickly.

At first I think I was on some kind of emotional high, the adrenalin was pumping and I felt alive, I know I had done wrong but it felt so right. In the months that followed though I became consumed with guilt and paranoia, I thought about going back and paying but I knew that it was too late. I was expecting the police to turn up at the door and arrest me at any moment. The walls were closing in and I knew it, so one day in my complete madness I went on the run, leaving my family, friends and job behind. I spent the little amount of money I had staying in cheap B&B's across the country and it wasn't long before I was sleeping rough. A month went by and still I hadn't been caught, I knew I had to sort myself out as my health was starting to deteriorate. I decided to head to a small town called Godalming, where I knew an old friend lived, luckily he took pity on me and let me stay. I managed to get myself a job and get back on my feet, I now go by the name of Ollie, my hair is a couple of inches longer and I wear sunglasses and a hat when I'm outdoors as to hide my identity.

Unfortunately the guilt is still controlling me so I've decided to admit to this heinous crime and come clean once and for all. I understand you may have to inform the police about this but I was wondering is there any way I can just pay the outstanding bill of £21.80 and for it all to be forgotten about. I'm not a bad person Kirsty (May I call you Kirsty?) I made a mistake and I really don’t want to pay for it, apart from the £21.80 of course.

If there is any advice or support you can give me, it will be much appreciated.

Yours Desperately,

Ollie (was Oliver) Trout