Jeremy Kyle Chat Show Host

Dear Mr Kyle,  

I used to tune into your chat show on ITV quite regularly as it made me feel better about myself as a person, but over time I’ve stopped as I realised that I’m no better than some of the people you get on your show.

The reason I say this Jeremy (May I call you Jeremy?) is because for the last year or so I have become addicted to doodling and it’s threatening to ruin my marriage. Whenever I see a pen I pick it up and start to doodle, it can be anywhere, at home, work, the bank you name it and if there is no paper I’ll just scribble on a table. It has got so bad that I recently lost my job as an accountant as I wasn’t getting any work done.

My wife has taken all the pens from our house to stop me from using them but I just buy more behind her back, with me not working there is not enough money coming in and she is threatening to leave if I don’t get help. She has suggested we come on your show, but I really don’t think I want to, it’s got nothing to do with the studio audience or the millions watching at home, it is because I know exactly what you’re going to say and that’s PUT SOMETHING ON THE END OF IT!

Am I right, I’m not wrong?

Yours sincerely

Oliver Trout

David Cameron Prime Minister

Dear Mr Cameron,

When it comes to politics and the government my knowledge is very limited and whenever I'm involved in a conversation about it with people I have nothing or very little to say. If someone were to ask me what a shadow cabinet was I would probably say it was a piece of furniture that stored a dark area or shape produced by a body coming between rays of light and a surface. Any opinion I do have on politics and the government is completely flawed and not to be taken seriously.

Anyway I just wanted to say what a fantastic job I think you are doing as Prime minister. Keep up the good work.

Peace in

Oliver Trout

Taylor Swift Pop Singer

Dear Miss Swift,                

After attending your gig at London’s O2 the other night, I walked in when you were singing your song ‘I knew you were trouble’, I couldn't help but think it was aimed at me. The reason I say this is because I turned up late a little worse for wear, after spilling my drink over a disabled man, I then got into a heated altercation with a teenage girl over seating arrangements. This then led me to be ejected by staff and I went home in shame.

Now it is quite understandable that you were singing this song about me as it looked very much like I was trouble when I walked in and you knew that. I thought I better take the time to explain that I'm actually a really nice guy and this was totally out of character and that I'm not trouble when I walk in anywhere and I think you should know that……. So are we cool?

Kind regards

Oliver Trout (Head of security O2)

Ross Noble Comedian

Dear Mr Noble,        

About two years ago now I was in Starbucks having a coffee with a girl I was seeing in Guildford, when to my surprise there you were sitting in the corner with your wife and young child. Now I didn't approach you as I'm not that kind of guy, but I did turn to the girl I was seeing and say, just watch this guy his name’s Ross Noble and he’s hilarious. I was out to impress her and I knew a comic genius like you wouldn't let me down.

Time went on and we continued to look and listen discreetly but you still hadn't said anything funny, by this point I was getting a little anxious and the girl I was seeing was becoming bored. Then suddenly up you went to the counter and I thought here it is, he’s bound to say something funny now, watch this. But you just asked for some hot water and that was it, if it was a joke I didn't get it and the girl I was seeing certainly didn't.

Please Ross, I thought, as the girl I was seeing kept looking at her watch; please say something funny to stop this horrible tension. You got up again this time to leave, my hope was fading but for a brief couple of seconds I thought maybe you were planning a big finish, but no, you just smiled and thanked the staff before exiting through the door. As you teetered away in to the distance so did my dreams of love.

I'm not one to hold a grudge Ross (Do you mind me calling you Ross?), but I just wondered why you weren't being funny that day, I know you are because I've seen you on the TV. Come to think of it I haven’t seen much of you anywhere recently, are you OK?

Best wishes

Oliver Trout  

Piers Morgan Journalist and TV Host

Dear Mr Morgan,    

I’m not entirely sure but I get the feeling from your public persona that you may receive an abundance of hate mail, nasty E-mails and abusive Tweets. I’m also thinking, all though I don’t know, that you love receiving these and revel in winding people up. I have decided to do the opposite today and write you a nice letter.

So you listen here you beautiful, beautiful man. On the 30^th March 1965, something truly wonderful happened, you were born. You then went on to become a Journalist and a bloody good one at that. To become editor of one of Britain’s best loved newspapers The News Of The World at just 28 is a truly phenomenal achievement and won’t be bettered by anyone, ever. No one has been able to get juicy celebrity gossip quite like you over the years and you should be commended for that. I think the criticism you have got for this is terribly unfair, at the end of the day these so called Celebrities should know better than to try and have a private life.

It was only going to be a matter of time before you made it big on TV and judging talent was the perfect field for you. After all you are everything that talent represents. Then you interviewed the stars as they told their life stories, in what was an emotional rollercoaster. Truly gripping television, but without you it wouldn’t have worked.

Eventually we all knew America would get your services and there is no way they are going to let us have you back now. Oh well, at least we can still read your insightful Tweets which in no way try to provoke reaction. You truly are a triumph of human spirit.

So what have you got to say to that then Piers? (You don’t mind me calling you Piers do you?)

Kind Regards

Oliver Trout

    

Alex Jones TV Presenter

Dear Miss Jones,

I thought I’d write you a letter as I don’t bother with that Twitter nonsense and I’ve got nothing better to do with my time.

So Alex (Do you mind me calling you Alex?) you have been doing very well for yourself of late what with the success of the One Show and Let’s Dance for Comic Relief, not to mention your appearance on Strictly Come Dancing and you should be damn proud of your achievements so far.

Now I for one am very pleased that you’re doing well but I can’t help but think you may have outgrown the BBC and the One Show, it’s just a little dull and nicey, nicey. I think you need to be doing something bigger and more cutting edge. How about making a big money move to ITV? You could present a breakfast show or something and have your brother Steve Jones present it with you, it could start at 6am and finish around 8.30. If that doesn’t work out, you could end up presenting a prime time show on a Sunday evening involving, I don’t know say Phillip Schofield. Also, have you thought about maybe getting a professional footballer as a boyfriend, someone who plays for Chelsea for instance? What about John Terry or Ashley Cole they seem like trustworthy lads.

Anyway have a little think about it and let me know. Actually don’t waste money on stamps, I’ll just tune into the One Show every now and again to see if you’re still there.

All the best

Oliver Trout

Justin Bieber Pop Singer

Dear Mr Bieber,                    

I'm a 30 year old guy and I work as a bin man in my local town. Me and the lads from work, that’s Big Tone, Nutty Nige and Mad Al are all massive fans of yours. So I decided to get us all tickets to see you at the O2 in London the other week, despite the fact that it was a week night and we all had to get up for our round at 5am the next morning, we were all buzzing to see you live. Now obviously we knew it would be a late night but we weren't expecting to be kept waiting over two hours for your arrival.

Now Justin, (I'm calling you Justin whether you like it or not) I know you have had a lot of complaints about this and people are demanding a refund for a blatant lack of respect. I though am not asking for my money back, all I'm asking from you Justin is to come down the Dog and Duck in East London this Friday night and apologise to me and the lads face to face. The lads are obviously very angry and upset and I've had to put up with Nutty Nige biting through his pint glass, Mad Al ripping up train seats and Big Tone crying in my arms, now I think we all deserve an apology from you and some tickets to see your next gig and some money, I don’t think that is too much to ask. So just come down, no trouble I promise, we’ll just have a drink and a chat.

Lots of love

Ollie The Psycho Trout  

  

Arsene Wenger Arsenal manager

Dear Mr Wenger,               

I am a 30 year old man living in Surrey and have been supporting Arsenal for 31 years now. I made a subconscious decision when I was in my mothers womb that I when I entered the world I wanted to live life on the edge so I decided Arsenal would be the team I followed and I haven’t been disappointed.

Now we all know that in recent seasons things haven’t been great and the fans and media are quick to judge you on where you are going wrong. I though, am still backing you one hundred per cent. You have done wonders for this club and I believe you are still the man to lead us to future glory. There is however one thing I think you need to change Arsene (Do you mind me calling you Arsene?) and no it’s not the defence or your tactics it is the big long coat Arsene, it needs to go.

Now with all due respect Arsene, you are renowned for being quite stubborn and that’s not always a bad thing, but I feel you are persisting with this coat even though you know deep down it’s not good enough. Looking back to the early noughties, during our successful years, you always looked the part and were very much at the height of fashion. I just don’t think you have moved with the times to see what other touchline wear is available and this unfortunately seems to be affecting the players. I know coats aren’t cheap these days but I really think you should spend the money you have to get a new one. I’m sure with backing from the board you can find a top quality coat on the market during the summer and we can bring the glory days back to this great club. You know it makes sense Arsene.

Good luck

Oliver Trout 

Simon Cowell TV and Music Producer

Dear Mr Cowell,           

I’m thinking of auditioning for your show the X Factor, as I have an amazing, angelic singing voice. It sounds like a cross between Kesha and Johnny Rotten from the Sex Pistols. People have said when they hear me sing all the problems in their life disappear, so you could say my voice heals people.

There is one problem however Simon (I presume it’s ok to call you Simon?) I can only sing well when I’m in the shower. Now I know this isn’t going to be easy but is there any way we can have a power shower installed on the stage when I sing my song, preferably one with a door and maybe a towel rack just outside. I won’t need to be naked or anything, unless you want me to be? When I reach the live shows, which I will do because I’ve got an amazing voice, I can dress in different swimwear each week and make it raunchy by squirting shower gel over my naked torso.

Please can you do this for me Simon, please I’m begging you, it’s my dream to sing to millions in the shower, you can’t take this away from me it’s my life, it’s what I was born to do, please Simon. Please. I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours desperately

Oliver Trout

Ed Sheeran Singer/Songwriter

Dear Mr Sheeran,                        

I’m not sure if you know me, but my name is Ollie and I live in Godalming, an old market town near Gulidford in Surrey and I work as a kitchen assistant in an old people’s home. No? Ok fair enough.

I’m writing to you today because I was wondering how you were getting on with building your Lego house, the last I heard was you had picked up all the pieces and were ready to get started. The reason I ask this Ed, (Do you mind if I call you Ed?) is that I had a similar plan not so long ago. The problem is I just don’t know how to get started or if I have enough pieces, not to mention colour arrangements. To add to this stress the local council are now trying to stop me from building one as it will be a distraction for passing traffic.

If there is any advice you can give me on all of this I would appreciate it. Also one more thing, how do I paint my girlfriend by numbers and colour her in? I say girlfriend, more a girl who lives next door who one day might be my friend.  

Yours Thankfully

Oliver Trout

Geri Halliwell Former member of the Spice Girls

Dear Miss Halliwell,                   

You were without doubt my favourite Spice girl when I was growing up. Behind Emma, Victoria, and both the Mel’s. You changed the way we see women in society and brought girl power to a new level. That said, I’m still unsure whether I should be holding the door open for women or pulling the chair out for them to sit down. Am I being a gentleman or am I just patronizing them?

The real reason I write to you today Geri (Your Ok with me calling you Geri right?) is that I’m after a bit of advice. I’m thinking of reuniting my five-a-side football team Substandard Liege, with my old pals Flapper, Little Dog, Big D Nuts, Shaven and Woody, the problem is I don’t know how to start the ball rolling so to speak.

Just like you we were very successful in the late nineties and we were always number one in the table. There wasn’t a team that could get near us at the time. One day I decided that I wanted a new challenge and made a difficult decision to leave the team and start a new one. This angered the rest of the lads and although they tried to continue without me, they subsequently folded. Years have gone by and after my new team didn’t really work out I’m left with the regret of losing a great team and some good friends. This time I want to make it last forever, friendship never ends.

Now obviously you went through something similar with the girls, so I just want to know how you got on speaking terms with them again. Did you make the first move? What did you say? These are all questions I’d love for you to answer. I would say let’s go for a drink but I’m not sure my girlfriend would be too pleased, so an E-mail or letter is fine.   

Yours sincerely,

Oliver Trout

Heston Blumenthal Chef

Dear Mr Blumenthal,

I am a massive fan of your work and have been for many years, you've really revolutionised the way in which we see food and are an inspiration to aspiring chefs. You have certainly opened my eyes to all the wonderful things you can do with food. I used to wolf my dinner down as soon as it was ready to eat and that would be that, now I look and admire it for five minutes, play around with it and think of elaborate names to call it. Then I realise it has actually gone cold and I have to make it again, but that’s not the point it’s the experimentation which makes it so much more interesting.

Now I work in a kitchen at an old people’s home so it’s difficult to be outrageous with food ideas as the residents are very set in their ways, they like what they like and boy do they let you know about it. At home though I can experiment as much as I like and having been concocting some crazy dishes of my own some of which Heston (Is it OK to call you Heston?) you may be interested in using. The first one I came up with just the other week, I was hungry so I decided to make myself a cheese and ham sandwich, I saw that we had both wholemeal bread and white bread available so in the heat of the moment thought why not use a slice of each, I then buttered both slices and added the cheese and ham, if you thought that was crazy enough I then noticed we had some coleslaw in the fridge and added it to the sandwich. My friends and family thought I was nuts but when they tried it they loved it. I then set about naming this unusual lunchtime snack and came up with the ‘Cheese, Ham and Coleslaw on Wholemeal and White Bread Spectacular’.

The second one I've called the Pork Sword, I mean it’s just a title at the moment but I’m thinking pork in the shape of swords.

Now Heston, I'm quite willing to let you have these as your own without charge, but some recognition of my work would be much appreciated. I look forward to hearing your reply and any questions on the recipes I will be happy to answer.

Yours experimentally,

Oliver Trout
(Kitchen Assistant)  

Bill Murray American Actor

Dear Mr Murray,  

I’m from England in the UK, near London and would just like to say what a wonderful actor I think you are. I’ve enjoyed watching many of your films over the years from Ghostbusters to Lost in Translation and believe me when I say you are very well received in this country.

There is however one thing that is driving me to despair Bill (Don’t mind if I call you Bill do you?). I’ve been watching your film Groundhog Day over and over and over since it came out way back in 1993 and I still don’t get what it’s all about. If there is any way in which you can shed some light on this I would be extremely grateful, because it really is doing my head in.

Yours sincerely

Oliver Trout

Alexander Armstrong Actor/Comedian and presenter of quiz show Pointless

Dear Mr Armstrong,                  

                              I am a huge fan of your daytime quiz show, Pointless. I’m not sure if it is technically your show, but if it is then, congratulations because when you come home after a crap day at work, have a cup of tea and learn stuff that doesn’t really matter, that’s television at its best. The way you and Richard bounce off each other with your comedy is magnificent and can only be really matched by Sam and Mark who in their hey day on TMI had me laughing so much I ended up missing the whole weekend. Which reminds me maybe you could invite them onto one of your celebrity shows? I’m sure they’re not doing much these days and would jump at the chance. That would be one hell of a Pointless.

                              Anyway the reason I write to you today Alexander (may I call you Alexander?) is that I often recommend the show to various people most of whom reply by saying I’m not really interested, I haven’t got the time or do I know you? Imagine my delight when I got a call from my sister the other day saying she had watched the show and really enjoyed it. ‘Great!’ I said. ‘But there’s one thing’ she said ‘Why has Alexander got such big ears?’ Now I’d like to say my sister is 6 years old but she’s actually 32. ‘Why?’ I said ‘Why? It’s not like they thought; you know what would make this show more interesting? Give the host some fake big ears! There isn’t really a lot he can do about it Sarah!’ That’s my sister’s name.

                              This then got me thinking, maybe this is all make up and those ears aren’t real and maybe Richard isn’t really that tall, he’s just on stilts. What if the jokes they tell are being read off an autocue and the celebrities they have aren’t A list. Is Central African Republic really a country? These are questions that I would be grateful for you to answer Alexander, as nothing is making much sense to me anymore, my life has become…. for want of a better word, pointless. Please help.

                              Kind regards

                              Oliver Trout

                               

Gary Barlow Singer/Songwriter and X Factor judge

Dear Mr Barlow,           

I am writing you this letter with regard to your performance on the previous season of X Factor. Sorry it’s a little late but I was ill with the flu at the turn of the year. Then after that incurred terrible pain with my wisdom tooth, not to mention endless woman trouble, which I'm sure you can relate to eh Gary? (Don’t mind if I call you Gary, do you?). Anyway I won’t bore you with all that now.

First off I would like to say I don’t often tune into the X Factor as it’s not really my cup of tea, but this year I thought I’d give it a go and wow it certainly was entertaining! The judges in particular caught my eye, the Irish one I think his name is Louie Spence, was hilarious, especially when he pretended to know what he was talking about and how he often repeated himself and copied phrases like some excited but rather annoying child. Also it didn’t seem to matter to him whether you were a singer, producer or after show cleaner -you deserved to be on that stage.

Now I’ve never seen a PussyCat Doll before but they are beautiful to look at, truly stunning. No idea what an earth she was talking about but it doesn’t matter when she looks like that eh Gaz? (You’re alright with me calling you that aren’t you?). Then there was Tulisa and she wasn’t afraid to voice her opinion! It’s just a shame that when she did open her mouth you got a horrible whiff of cigarettes coming through your TV screen, but you soon put her straight on that one eh Gazza. (You’re cool with Gazza right?).

This then brings me on to you. Someone who knew exactly what they were talking about and why wouldn’t you, having been in Boyzone all those years. You always put your opinion across in a detailed professional manner and stuck to your guns when the others disagreed. There is however one minor problem regarding your pronunciation of the word performance. You repeatedly throughout the series said preformance as opposed to the correct way of performance. It’s no biggie, but something you can maybe rectify in the future. At the end of the day nobody’s prefect and prehaps it was a case of nerves or force of habit. Anyway it’s just a little heads up and I wish you all the best for the future. Right I’m off for a fag, catch you later Gazzamataz (I’ve gone too far with that haven’t I?).

Kind regards

Oliver Trout 

Ronnie Corbett Actor and Comedian

Dear Mr Corbett,                              

Having finished my Christmas dinner on Christmas day, which is a tradition in our family, I was feeling a little low and not as full as I had hoped, due to the fact that my Mum had forgotten the stuffing, something which I would perhaps have not let bother me had she not forgotten the pigs in blankets only two years previous. It was becoming an all too familiar story and I couldn’t help but think that next year it will be the turkey that’s missing. I sat back on the sofa, turned on the TV and began to simmer down slowly from this latest setback.

As I flicked through the channels, bypassing the usual repeats such as You’ve Been Framed, if you’ve seen someone fall over once, you’ve seen it a thousand times, I then came across your sketch show The One Ronnie, ‘Ah, this is it’ I thought, nothing like a trusted comedy legend like yourself to cheer me up, I laughed away as the brilliantly thought out sketches came thick and fast and all the turmoil from stuffing gate had all but left my mind. Good old Corbett, he’s saved Christmas day!

My laughter turned to anger and resentment though when I came across the sketch with you dressed as a dog looking for work. That, Ronnie (can I call you Ronnie?), was a sketch very familiar to the one I have been working on in my quest to become a comedy writer. Not only that, there was a sketch with you and David Walliams as superheroes which also very closely resembled yet another sketch I was putting together, well only the fact that you were superheroes but that’s not the point.

If you think for one second that climbing into people’s brains and stealing their thoughts is a good way of pursuing your illustrious career, you are very much mistaken. You may be a comedy genius, alongside Ronnie Barker, with the amazing Two Ronnies lasting an incredible sixteen years, which includes sketches that will live long in the memory and comedy timing which is second to none. A particular favourite of mine being the four candles sketch, gets me every time, just brilliant….er anyway this has been very damaging to my plans and if I’d had any stuffing with my Christmas dinner it would have been knocked out of me for sure. But mark my words Corbett you haven’t heard the last of me. I’ll be back and it won’t be long before you’ll have to step aside for a new king of comedy. Just to clarify, that’s me.

That said, you are a legend and if you wish to meet with me and discuss my fledgling career as a comedy writer I am free every Wednesday afternoon, apart from the 9^th April as I have a dental appointment. I eagerly await your response.

And so it’s goodnight from me.

Oliver Trout